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Captain Spaulding quotes

Well, what do I owe ya?...What? From Africa to here, a dollar eighty-five? That's an outrage. I told you not to take me through Australia. You know it's all ripped up. You should have come right up the Lincoln Boulevard.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

[singing] Hello, I must be going
I cannot stay
I came to say
I must be going...

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Wait a minute. I think you're right. It is pretty bad. As a matter of fact, it's one of the frowziest looking joints I've ever seen....Where did you get your wallpaper? You're letting this place run down, and what's the result? You're not getting the class of people that you used to. Why, you've got people here now that look like you. Now, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll put up a sign outside - Placed Under New Management. We'll set up a seventy-five-cent meal that will knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge 'em anything we want. Now, sign here and give me your check for fifteen hundred dollars. Now, I want to tell you, madam, that with this insurance policy you are provided for your little ones and for your old age, which will be here in a couple of weeks now - if I'm any judge of horse flesh.

Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.

The gates swung open and a Fig Newton entered.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse] Ever since I've met you, I've swept you off my feet. Something has been throbbing within me, oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you...Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?...It's just my way of telling you that I love you, that's all.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Yes, I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life. Well, three anyway. You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette, and that's just the kind of a girl I crave. We three would make an ideal couple. Why, you've got beauty, charm, money. You have got money, haven't you? 'Cause if you haven't, we can quit right now.

[to audience] Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a tintity voice, reminds me of poor old Moslin. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!

Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine.

You think it's a mystery now, wait 'til you see it tomorrow...That's me. Captain Yard of Scotland Spaulding. I always get my women or painting.

[to the audience] Well, all the jokes can't be good! You've got to expect that once in a while.

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