Batman Returns quotes

View Quote Ice Princess: The tree lights up and then I push the button. No, no, wait, wait! I press the button and then the tree lights up, I press the button and then the tree lights up...

View Quote [Max Shreck meets the Penguin for the first time]
Penguin: Hi.
[Max gasps, as if about to comment on Penguin's appearance]
Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
Max: [to himself] My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
[The Penguin goes through umbrellas concealing various weapons]
Penguin: Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
Max: [regains confidence] Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
[Penguin loosens an umbrella featuring a hypnotic spiral. He then spins it, making the spiral twirl.]
Penguin: Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
Max: [regarding the umbrella] Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
Penguin: No. Just give you a splitting headache!
Max: Well it's not working--
[Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max with a deafening gunshot; Max reels back in alarm]
Penguin: [cackles] You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
[He indicates a hole up to the surface]
Penguin: Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
Max: [skeptical] And exactly why am I gonna help you?
[One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
Penguin: Ah, what have we here?...
[He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
Penguin: First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max: [not worried] That could've come from anywhere.
Penguin: What about the do****ents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max: If there were such do****ents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
Penguin: [grins] Good idea...
[He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
Penguin: ... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max: [rattled] Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"...
[He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand]
Penguin: [scarily cheerful voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
[Max considers briefly]
Max: You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
[He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
Selina Kyle: Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
Max: Actually, it's a lot like that.
Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
Batman: I tried to save you.
Catwoman: Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Penguin: Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman: You might be right.
Josh: There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
Penguin: It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
Josh: (to himself, confused) Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
[After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
Penguin: My babies... they missed me...
Henchman: Great speech, Oswald--
Penguin: [knocks him aside] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!!!!
one of Penguin's men: I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
(Penguin shoots him)
Penguin: No! IT'S A LOT! (kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river)
Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman: Things change.

View Quote (last words in the film) Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.

View Quote (responding to Alfred's comment about "security" when repairing the Batmobile) Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"

View Quote (to Catwoman after she says she hasn't eaten all day) Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.

View Quote (When the Batmobile doesn't compact like it should) Alright, now I'm a little worried.

View Quote [about his parents] I just want to know... why they did what they felt they had to do... to a child who was born... a little different. A child... who spent his first Christmas - and many since - in a sewer...

View Quote [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!

View Quote [after a failed attempt to kill Batman] He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!

View Quote [fighting Batman] You're just jealous 'cause I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!

View Quote [Poisoned by toxic waste after falling into the sewer water, he aims an umbrella (normally armed with a gun) at Batman, only to reveal a child-entertainer one] AUGH! SHIT! I PICKED THE CUTE ONE... UGH, AGHH!... This heat's gettin' to me... AUGH... I'll murder you momentarily... [chokes] But first... I need a cold drink of iced water... [falls over gurgling and choking, dead]

View Quote [seeing Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been looking for.

View Quote [showing up at Max's party] You didn't invite me, so I crashed!

View Quote [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless AS a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle-scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!

View Quote [to Batman, after they both encounter Catwoman] I saw her first. Gotta fly!