Caddyshack quotes

View Quote Carl: I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bent.
Ty: I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.
Carl: This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt at night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff. [hands his joint] Here, take a puff on this big ole' Bob Marley joint.
Ty: Oh, I couldn't possibly, well maybe one.
[Starts coughing uncontrollably]
Carl: It's a little harsh...Here. [hands him bottle of wine] Cannonball it, Cannonball! Cannonball comin' through, Cannonball!

View Quote Carl: Make yourself comfortable.
Ty: No, I don't want to stick to anything.

View Quote Carl: People say I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living.
Ty: People don't say that about you...as far as you know.

View Quote Carl: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie: A looper?
Carl: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

View Quote Chuck: Hey, what kind of shit is this?
Spaulding: It's the best, man. I got it from a N**ro.
Lacey: You're probably so high already you don't even know it.

View Quote Czervik: [after a bird spears Ty's golf ball in midair] Don't worry. It's good luck.
Ty: In Haiti!

View Quote Czervik: Hey! Can you make a bullshot?
Tony: Can you make a shoe smell?
Czervik: [giving him $20] Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

View Quote Czervik: Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil! Come here, honey! And loosen up! You're a lot of woman, you know? You wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Mrs. Smails: You! You! You're no gentleman!
Czervik: I'm no doorknob, either.

View Quote Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: DAMN!
Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

View Quote Czervik: You guys are brothers?
Tony: Yeah.
Czervik: Is this a family business, or what? They say for ltalians this is skilled labor, you know that?
Tony: No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire. My doctor told me to get out and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.
Czervik: You're a funny kid. What time are you due back in Boys Town?

View Quote Danny: Did you take the Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior in high school?
Ty: Yes, I took it. They said I should be a fire-watcher. What are you supposed to be?
Danny: An underachiever.

View Quote Danny: Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?
Lacey: Depends on what's underneath.

View Quote Danny: Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?
Ty: Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
Danny: Danny. When you were my age, did you ever have trouble deciding what you wanted to do with your life?
Ty: No, I've never had that problem. Why?
Danny: Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.
Ty: Do you take drugs?
Danny: Every day.
Ty: Good. So what's the problem?

View Quote Danny: How about we go swimming?
Maggie: I don't have the swimwear. Besides, I've never swum.
Danny: I'll teach you.
Maggie: Why don't you come on in and help me sort my holy cards first?

View Quote Danny: I haven't even told my father I'm not gonna get that scholarship. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
Ty: I'm not quite sure where they are.