Meet the Parents quotes

View Quote Bob: Oh, my God! What's that smell?
Jack: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing.
Greg: Jack, I told you. It wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Jack: Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chrissakes!
Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

View Quote Denny: [climbing in the window] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here?
Greg: Hi! I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend.
Denny: What? Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude?
Greg: No, dude, no. No, no, she said I could come up here, maybe borrow some clothes from you.
Denny: Do me a favor. Close the door.
Greg: Okay.
Denny: Quick. Tell anybody I wasn't here?
Greg: No, they think you're asleep.
Denny: Yeah, so, it's all good. You scared me.
Greg: Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh?
Denny: No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do. Oh! You need some clothes.
Greg: Yes, that would be-- that would be great.
Denny: Glad to hook you up. All right?
Greg: Cool. Like what you done with the crib. [looking at a poster] Oh, L'il Kim. She's phat. [Denny stares at him, confused.] P-H phat.
Denny: Yeah, I think these ought a do it. All right, here you go, chief. All right! Enjoy!
Greg: Thanks a lot, Denny. No problem. Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right? I'll keep it on the lowdown.
Denny: Down low.
Greg: No doubt.

View Quote Dina: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg: Oh, just like its spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina: F-Focker.
Jack: Hmm, Focker.

View Quote Dina: Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Jack: Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
Greg: What? No! What-What-What poem?
Dina: You see, when Jack had to retire...for health reasons...
Jack: That's a bunch of malarky. Honey, I'm fine.
Dina: The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he...sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Pam: Please, we really wanna hear it.
Greg: Poem, poem. Please!
Jack: Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate...and put it next to the urn.
Greg: Nice.
Dina: It's very special.
Jack: "My Mother" by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven, but you were also an angel of God, and He needed you too. Selfishly I tried to keep you here...while the cancer ate away your organs...like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face...nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet...in heaven.
Pam: Daddy, that's beautiful.
Dina: It always gets me.
Greg: Amazing. So-So--So much love, yet also so much information.

View Quote Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.
Greg: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.
Greg: No, I'm not-- Hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg: I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline, you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?
Flight Attendant: I can assure you that your bag...will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.
Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No.
Greg: No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole...and listen to me when I say that I am finished...with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we--
Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.
Flight Attendant: Sir!
Greg: I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir--
Greg: If you would take a second...and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now...and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

View Quote Greg: [about the song Puff the Magic Dragon] Great song.
Jack: Yeah, one of my favorites.
Greg: Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
Jack: What do you mean?
Greg: You know, the whole drug thing.
Jack: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Greg: Some people think that...to "puff the magic dragon" means to-- They're really, uh-- to smoke-- to smoke-- a marijuana cigarette.
Jack: Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Greg: Right.
Jack: Are you a pothead, Focker?
Greg: No! No.
Jack: What?
Greg: No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm-- I'm not-- I-- I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.
Jack: Yes or no, Greg?
Greg: No. Yes. No.

View Quote Greg: Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
Pam: Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think?
Greg: Sure. I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. [Chuckles] I'm serious. I saw some beech wood outside. He's very handy. He's an extremely handy and crafty craftsman. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but--
Pam: Come on.
Greg: Seriously. Seriously. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Pam: Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out.
Greg: Why not?
Pam: I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you.
Greg: That's a good explanation.
Pam: Think so?
Greg: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Thought you'd like that.

View Quote Greg: Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Pam: Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago.
Dina: Your daddy's found his new best friend. You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
Pam: He did? Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it?
Jack: What's so weird about it? Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. That's right.
Greg: That's incredible. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet?
Jack: Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet, and then once he got used to it, I took it away.
Greg: Yeah, makes sense.
Dina: But I don't think he likes it. I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury. I had to move all my potted plants off the floor.
Greg: Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
[The family stares at him blankly.]
Jack: He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Yeah.
[Long pause]
Greg: Ah, right. Opposable-- I didn't think about that.

View Quote Greg: Wow! It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop.
Kevin: Yeah, it's always been kind of a hobby. I whittled that out of beech wood.
Greg: Huh. It's beautiful.
Kevin: Yeah.
Greg: So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? Carpentry?
Kevin: I guess I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?
Greg: Hmm.
Jack: Greg's Jewish.
Kevin: Are you?
Greg: Yeah.
Kevin: Mm-hmm. Well, so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.

View Quote Greg: Your dad has totally turned you against me.
Jack: I didn't turn her against you. You did that to yourself.
Greg: Jack, please. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here.
Jack: I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty.
Greg: Oh, honesty? You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty. Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack.
Pam: What's he talking about, Dad?
Greg: Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets...inside the circle of trust, Jack.
Jack: I don't know what you're talking about.
Greg: You don't? Huh? What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding.
Pam: You are?
Greg: Round and round we go, Jack. Hey. I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous...in the parking lot of the Oyster Bay Drug and Sundry. You know what I'm talking about. Where the guy gave you the passports and the do****ents. Or how about your little phone call in Thai?
Dina: Jack can't talk Thai.
Greg: Oh, no, Dina. Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well. I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired. He's still very much in the C.I.A.

View Quote Jack: Greg, how come you don't like cats?
Greg: I don't not like cats. I-I just-- I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know--Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of--
Jack: You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
Greg: I--
Jack: You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.
Greg: Huh.

View Quote Jack: Greg, would you like to say grace?
Pam: Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
Jack: You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.
Greg: No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.
Pam: Okay.
Greg: O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle...and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts...for the...smorgasbord...You have so aptly lain at our table this day...and each day...by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly...day by day...by day. Amen. Amen.
Dina: Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Jack: Thank you, Greg. That was interesting too.

View Quote Jack: He's right. My cover's blown. I-I-I am planning...a secret operation the day after the wedding.
Pam: What?
Jack: A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob. You stupid son of a bitch! You just blew it!
Greg: What?
Jack: Ko Samui is an island off the coast of Thailand! That guy I was meeting in the parking lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent. He was giving me their visas.
Bob: Wow, Thailand. Thanks a lot, J.B. That's something.
Jack: Don't mention it. I just, um--
Larry: You know, if this nursing thing doesn't work out, Focker, I'd say you definitely have a career in espionage.

View Quote Jack: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg: Of course, yeah.
Jack: Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

View Quote Jack: Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Greg: Okay.
Jack: [to Jinx] One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart?
Pam: I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
Greg: [Chuckles nervously] Pam, I don't hate cats. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Yeah, yeah.
Dina: [Mouthing] I am too.
Jack: Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
Greg: No! I don't. I don't hate cats at all.
Jack: That's okay. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
Greg: I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?