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Captain O'Hagen quotes

I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says shenaningans!

These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

That's it, you're off the road, never again. [Sir, it was not my fault!] And neither was the God-damn school bus! There was a time when we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.

Drunk enough to kick your ass!

Rabbit: Oh look, a bar of soap.
Farva: Oh ho ho, Shit I got you good you ****er!
Mac:(with mocking voice and fake lisp) Awesome prank Farva.

Foster: Aw, Mac, you ****er!
Mac: Gree-tings. (Laughs) You guys are too slow.
Foster: You killed my dummy.
Thorny: Mac, now I'm going to pay you. But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew it was you the whole time.
Mac: Aw, Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie. It sets a bad example.

Thorny: Foster, where are your shoes?
Foster: What, are you the shoe police now?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar. Lets go.
Foster: Your black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That's brown magic.

O'Hagen: I just got off the phone with Tom McCardle From the budget committee. This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.
Thorny: What? They can't lump us in with that ****in' Martian.
O'Hagen: We're all in the same boat, fellas.
Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.
Thorny: Yeah, his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.
Foster: Which wouldn't make them shenanigans, at all, really.
Mac: (Irish voice) Evil shenanigans!
O'Hagen: I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy that says 'shenanigans!'
Mac: Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigan's?
Mac, Foster and Thorny: Oh, no! (Laughing) (Mac hands O'Hagen his gun.)
Farva: You're talking about Shenanigan's, right?

Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
Farva: It's powdered sugar.
Police Chief Grady: The lice ... hate the sugar. So anyway ...
Farva: [Interrupting] It's delicious.

Mac: Come in Radio.
Farva: Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.
Mac: Don't call me Unit 91, Radio.
Farva: ...Are we done?
Mac: Yeah okay Radio. We got a suspicious vehicle, White Caprice, Vermont Plates, Tijuana, Gringo, Oner, Fiver, Zero
Farva: Roger, checking...Unit 91 that license plate belongs to a local Spurburry police vehicle.
Mac: It does?! OH MY GOD!!!
Farva: ...Very funny 91.


Thorny: Son do you know why I pulled you over?
Driver: Uhhh...
Thorny: Littering and... Littering and... Littering and... [the rest of the car joins in, cauisng the kid in the back to freak out from the echoes] smoking the reefer. [holds up bag of marijuana]
Driver: Oh, officer, thats not ours.
Kid in back: [deep groan] Candy bars.
Thorny: Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you boys smoke the whole bag.
Kid in Back: Please, no.
Rabbit: Please, yes.

German Man: I'm sorry officer for the speeding violation, I'm so used to driving on the autobahn.
German Woman: Ich finde er sieht auf Shaun Cassidy schön. [I think he looks like Shaun Cassidy.]
German Man: Ja, das finde ich, yummi yummi. [I think so too, yummi yummi.]
Rabbit: Do you know why I pulled you over?
German Man: Because we were going way too fast.
Rabbit: Ja.
German Man: Ja. Well the thing is I cannot afford to have another ticket on mein Porsche. Is there something I could do for you, or perhaps something my wife could do? Perhaps there is something you would like to do to her?
German Woman: Maybe some hard spanking und cuffing is in order.

Passenger: You didn't eat both those bags did you!

Kid in back: [mouth full of shrooms] Call Guinness!


Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into microphone] Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.
Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?
Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good. [into microphone] Don't spit in that cop's burger.
Farva:' Yeah, thanks.
Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.

Dimpus Burger Guy Uhh, right. Beverage?

Farva Gimme a liter o' cola

Dimpus Burger Guy (into the mic) Liter Cola? Do we sell Liter Cola?

Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva.

Farva: I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!

Dimpus Burger Guy (to Farva) I don't know what that is!

Farva (enraged and grabbing the Dimpus Burger Guy) Liter is french for give me my ****in' cola before I break vous ****in' lip!

Rabbit Wait, so the local cops are selling Afghany grass to the Canadians? Assholes.

Thorny No Rabbit, it's coming in from Canada.

Rabbit Ah! Canadian grass. (nods) Assholes.

Thorny The local mothers are running protection for 'em.

Rabbit Oh. I guess I'm the asshole then...


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