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Dave Spritz quotes

That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing.


The first time I was struck with something, it was a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment. [pause] I'm fast food.


Here's the thing: if you want your father to think you're not a silly ****, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove, because if you do that, that's what he will think. Unless you're a nobleman or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not.


[Thinking, while looking at a woman's butt while waiting to cross the street] Man, I'd like to put my face in there. Right in there. Tartar sauce. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. That's when you know it's cold. I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce. A lot of guys don't. Well maybe they do. Maybe that's just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Neil Young. ****, it's cold. Neil Young. Why am I thinking about Neil Young? Neil Diamond. Neil... There's not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks. I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I haven't had a Spanish omelette in a long time. Here we go.


The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases we're required to use to single the program out. It gets under people's skin. Spritz Nipper. But the whole thing about all of it, all the getting hit with stuff, the whole thing is, who gets hit with a ****ing pie, anyway? Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson? Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it. But this is like the ninth time I got--- [pause] clowns get hit with pies.


I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground railroad. I'll bet you a million ****ing dollars.


I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man.


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