Animal House quotes

View Quote Boon: [to Katy] I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's got to be a very special girl.
Larry: Look, you don't have to...
Boon: Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude.
Katy: You mean you want someone who'll screw on the first date.
Boon: Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.
Larry: Hey!
Boon: What'd I say?

View Quote D-Day: Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.
Otter: Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You ****ed up - you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.
Flounder: [crying] That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?
Otter: I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and in the morning, it was gone. We report it to the police, D-Day takes care of the wreck, the insurance company buys your brother a new car.
Flounder: Will that work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.
Bluto: [thrusting six-pack into Flounder's hands] My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.
D-Day: [firing up blow-torch] There you go now, just leave everything to me.

View Quote Dean Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg: You're talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the BALLS and kick those punks off campus.
Greg: What do you intend to do sir? Delta's already on probation.
Dean Wormer: They are?
Greg: Yes, sir.
Dean Wormer: Oh. Then as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!
Greg: Double Secret Probation, Sir?
Dean Wormer: There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency. Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. You live next door. Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like you, right? [Greg nods] The time has come for someone to put their foot down. And that foot is me.

View Quote Dean Wormer: Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!
Otter: What a tool.
Dean Wormer: I didn't get that, son, what was that?
Otter: Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."
Dean Wormer: Put a sock in it, son, or else you'll be outta here like shit through a goose.

View Quote Dean Wormer: Where are the other two - Stratton and Schoenstein?
Hoover: We can't find them, sir. We looked everywhere, but-
Dean Wormer: Never mind. Did you boys see your grade point averages yet?
Hoover: They're not posted yet, sir.
Dean Wormer: I've seen them. Mr. Kroger, two C's, two D's and an F - that's a 1.2 grade average. Congratulations, Kroger, you're at the top of the Delta pledge class.
[Bluto gives Kroger a congratulatory nudge]
Dean Wormer: Mr. Dorfman.
Flounder: Hellooooo.
Dean Wormer: 0.2. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House - 1.6. Four C's and an F. A fine example you set. Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu- [looks up to see that Bluto has stuck pencils up his nose] Mr. Blutarsky. Zero POINT zero. Now I want you to tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein exactly what I'm about to tell you right now.
Hoover: And what's that, sir?
Dean Wormer: You're out! Finished at Faber! Expelled! I want you off this campus at 9:00 Monday morning! And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft boards and told them that you are now all, ALL eligible for military service.
[Flounder's mouth flutters]
Dean Wormer: Well? [Flounder opens his mouth a bit] WELL? [Flounder opens his mouth some more] OUT WITH IT! [Flounder vomits on Dean Wormer]

View Quote Flounder: I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.
Boon: Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.

View Quote Greg Marmalard: [screaming] Come outta there, you bas****!
Otter: [in falsetto] Who is it?
Greg Marmalard: You know damn well who it is!
Otter: I'm sorry. You'll have to come back later. I'm doing the dishes.
[Otter climbs out of the converted car. Greg is about to attack him.]
Otter: Greg! Look at my thumb!
[Greg stares at Otter's thumb, and Otter clobbers him with his other hand.]
Otter: Gee, you're dumb.

View Quote Greg: I'm not going to say Omega's the best house on campus, but a lot of outstanding guys figure they'll pledge Omega or won't pledge at all. We do have more than our share of campus leaders, something that never looks bad on your permanent record.
Chip: Sure. Everybody says Omega's the best, but I hate to seem...you know, pushy.
Greg: Let the unacceptable candidates worry about that, because after tonight, they're....

View Quote Guy with guitar: [singing] I gave my love a cherry / That had no stone / I gave my love a chicken / That had no bones / I gave my love a story / That had no end / I ga...
Bluto: [grabs the guitar and smashes it against the wall repeatedly, then hands the splinters back] Sorry.

View Quote Hoover: Have you seen Boon?
Katy: He disappeared when we got here. He's probably upstairs talking to Otter.
Hoover: No doubt.
Katy: [to Larry] They're well-known homosexuals.
Hoover: Have another beer, Larry. She's just kidding.

View Quote Hoover: Kent is a legacy, Otter. His brother was a '59, Fred Dorfman.
Flounder: He said legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.
Otter: Oh, well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet-case.
Otter & Boon: Like Fred.

View Quote Hoover: We're in trouble. I just checked with the guys at the Jewish house and they said that every one of our answers on the Psych test was wrong.
Boon: Every one? [looks at Bluto and D-Day] Those assholes must have stolen the wrong ****ing exam!

View Quote Jennings: Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel.
Boon: How long you been workin' on it?
Jennings: Four and a half years.
Larry: It must be very good.
Jennings: It's a piece of shit. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?
Boon: Yeah.
Jennings: You ever smoked before?
Boon: Sure.
Katy: When did you ever smoke pot?
Boon: I've done a lot of things you don't know about.

View Quote Larry: [to Jennings, while high] Okay. That means that our whole solar system could be, like one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being. [Jennings nods] This is too much! That means one tiny atom in my fingernail could be--
Jennings: Could be one little tiny universe.
Larry: Could I buy some pot from you?

View Quote Larry: Before we go any further, there's something l have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.
Clorette: You've never made out with a girl before?
Larry: I've never done what I think we're going to do in a minute. I sort of did once--
Clorette: That's okay. Neither have I. besides, I lied to too.
Larry: Yeah? What about?
Clorette: I'm only 13!