Arsenic and Old Lace quotes

View Quote Abby: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?
Mortimer: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

View Quote Cab Driver: I'm not a cab driver. I'm a coffeepot!
Dr. Einstein: Where am I? Oh, here I am.
Dr. Einstein: We got a hot stiff on our hands!
Martha: One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.
Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Police Sgt. Brophy: They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.
Reporter: Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.
Abby: Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
Dr. Einstein: [hat falling across his eyes] Well, I'm off to Panama. Bon voyage!

View Quote Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Mortimer: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
Dr. Einstein: [agonizing] How can anybody be so stupid!

View Quote Dr. Einstein: Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride.
Jonathan: He said I looked like Boris Karloff!

View Quote Elaine: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
Mortimer: One thing at a time!

View Quote Elaine: But, Mortimer — Niagara Falls.
Mortimer: [distracted] It does? Well, let it.

View Quote Elaine: Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next.
Mortimer: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here?
[He pushes her out and slams the door]

View Quote Jonathan: And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan: Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein: I cannot pull myself together without a drink!

View Quote Jonathan: Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein.
Elaine: Dr. Einstein?
Jonathan: Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Elaine: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar—
Jonathan: I am Jonathan Brewster!

View Quote Jonathan: Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
Teddy: I beg your pardon. Who are you?
Jonathan: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy: No, you're not Wilson, but your face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now — perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.

View Quote Jonathan: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.
Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!

View Quote Mortimer: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
Abby: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.

View Quote Mortimer: Men don't just get into window seats and die!
Abby: Of course not, dear. He died first.
Mortimer: But how?
Abby: The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this, Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!

View Quote Mortimer: Teddy's killed a man, darlings!
Martha: Oh, nonsense!
Mortimer: But there's a body in the window seat.
Abby: Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer: You know?
Martha: Of course.
Abby: Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.
Mortimer: But...but...
Abby: Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer: Forget?!
Abby: We never dreamed you'd peek.

View Quote Mortimer: Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor.
Teddy: Dr. Livingstone?
Dr. Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone?
Mortimer: Uh, that's what he presumes.