Beavis and Butthead Do America quotes

View Quote Agent Bork: They're not on the bus.
Agent Flemming: These people know something. I want full cavity searches--everyone. Go deep on 'em
Agent Bork: Agent Hurly.
Agent Flemming: I tell you, Bork, these guys are smart, damn smart. They're probably a hundred miles away by now.

View Quote Agent Fleming: Shut up! You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.
Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
Agent Fleming: That's better. Yes?
Agent Bork: We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank and come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father. Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.

View Quote Agent Flemming: Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.

View Quote Agent Flemming: Well, look what we have here. You two make me sick. Book 'em, Bork.
Dallas Grimmes: You don't have anything on us, and you know it.
Agent Flemming: Oh, I don't, huh? How about lewd conduct? Maybe indecent exposure. Here's what's gonna happen. One of you is going to make a deal and get me the unit. The other can spend the next 60 years in jail.
Muddy Grimmes: That's where you're wrong, boy. Me and my wife are back together, and you will never...
Dallas Grimmes: He stole the unit! Said he put it in some kid's pants.
Muddy Grimmes: Why you damn LITTLE FOUR-LEGGED-- HEY! TAKE IT EASY! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR...

View Quote Beavis: [after spitting soda on Mr. Anderson's TV] Aaaahh! This crap is warm!
Butt-head: Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.
Beavis: Aaah, no! Dammit!

View Quote Beavis: [starting to hallucinate] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!
Butt-head: Uh?, Okay.
Beavis: This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video! [hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body] Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!

View Quote Beavis: Are you threatening ME?

View Quote Beavis: Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.
Butt-head: Cool. I gotta take a dump. [they go inside confession booths]
Butt-head: Uh... Where's the toilet? [in a church confession booth]
Man: I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?
Beavis: A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.
Man: Um, now?
Beavis: Yeah. Do it. [the man hits himself]
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.

View Quote Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!
Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.
Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!
Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!
Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!
Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.
Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
Bus Driver: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS! ONCE MORE AND I'LL--UNH!
Beavis: KICK YOUR ASS!

View Quote Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, are we gonna die?
Butt-head: Uh... Probably.

View Quote Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?
Butt-head: Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.
Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.
Butt-head: Butt dumpling.
Beavis: Turd burglar.
Butt-head: Uhhh... ass goblin.
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
Butt-head: Uh, yep.
Beavis: 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.
Butt-head: [giggles] Tool.
Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

View Quote Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.

View Quote Beavis: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.

View Quote Beavis: Yeah, this is her.
Little Old Lady: Oh, she looks lovely.
Beavis: I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, uh... you know, heh heh, get down.
Little Old Lady: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
Beavis: Really? I poop too much.
Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.
Beavis: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.
Little Old Lady: Tired? Oh, well, I know all about tired, dear. I have just the thing for ya. Here, take a couple of these. They perk me right up.
Beavis: Thanks. Tastes like crap. What else ya got?
Little Old Lady: Oh, go right ahead. Help yourself.
Butt-head: So, uh, huh huh... goin' to Las Vegas?
Girl: Hi. We're serving dinner now. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.
Beavis: Piccata. Titicaca....
Man: Excuse me? Does the gumbo have corn in it?
Beavis: I am Cornholio. I need piccata for my bung-hole.
Girl: You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
Beavis: Are you threatening me? My bung-hole will not wait. Bungholio.
Butt-head: Uh, hey, I got a beer. Want some?
Pilot: Get the hell out of the ****pit!
Butt-head: Huh huh, you said...
Pilot: Now!

View Quote Bill Clinton: In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Butt-head: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?
Beavis: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.
Bill Clinton: Cool, huh?
Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.