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Adam: For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: [refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?
Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
Beetlejuice: Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)
Beetlejuice: [back to normal] You like it?
Beetlejuice: [refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?
Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
Beetlejuice: Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)
Beetlejuice: [back to normal] You like it?
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Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother.
Lydia: Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Lydia: Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
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Delia: I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.
Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
Lydia: I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
Delia: This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
Charles: Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
Lydia: My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.
Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
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Dumb Football Player #1: Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived.
Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno: Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
[they come back into the office later]
Dumbest Football Player: Coach?
Juno: What?
Dumbest Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
Juno: How did you guess?
Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived.
Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno: Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
[they come back into the office later]
Dumbest Football Player: Coach?
Juno: What?
Dumbest Football Player: I don't think we survived that crash.
Juno: How did you guess?
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Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
Delia: Charles...
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
Delia: Charles...
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
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Lydia: [On the new house] Delia hates it. [sees a huge spider on a web] I could live here.
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Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Adam: You've read our book?
Lydia: Yeah.
Adam: You can follow it?
Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Adam: You've read our book?
Lydia: Yeah.
Adam: You can follow it?
Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
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Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe. [Gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- [Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here?
Lydia: [Sighing sadly] I want to get in.
Beetlejuice: [Confused] ...why?
Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe. [Gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- [Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here?
Lydia: [Sighing sadly] I want to get in.
Beetlejuice: [Confused] ...why?
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[About her stepmother, Delia] She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
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[realizing that Adam and Barbara are ghosts] The funeral. God. You guys really are dead.
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[To Charles] I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will GO INSANE AND I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME!!!
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Don't mind her. She's still upset that someone dropped a house on her sister.
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I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
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My whole life is a darkroom. [Slowly, for effect] One. Big. Dark. Room.