Chazz Michael Michaels quotes
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"This is my brother!! And this is my brother's new girlfriend. And she is NOT a whore!!"
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"Think of it as a boob handshake.... between me and your lady's boo -- look, that's not coming out right, just call me back so I can explain, okay?? It's me, Chazz."
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Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck!
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"I'll get inside your face."
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[The title of a book of poetry he published] "Let Me Put My Poems In You."
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"We didn't even get to second base.... well, maybe I did...."
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"Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating... BOOM!!"
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"They carve it out of illegal whale bone."
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"I see you still look like a 15 year old girl, but not hot!!"
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"If we went to a Halloween party as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me."
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"I swear to god, if you cut my head off...."
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"That, young man, is how babies are made!!"
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"Can one of y'all pass me a biscuit??" [While running on a treadmill]
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"Throw me some chicken!!" [While running on a treadmill eating a biscuit]
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"No exaggeration, I couldn't love a human baby as much as I love this brush."
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"For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows."
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"Okay, but start up there at the crotch.... that's a better access point."
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"Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole."
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"Hey, Nancy Kerrigan?? You an official here?? Because you have officially given me a boner. I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear."
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"It's not gonna matter cuz' you're flat in front like Ken!!"
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"How'd it go with your lady?? Carve up any ice.... with your wiener??"
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"Personal philosophy -- clothing optional."
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"It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out there on the ice."
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"Hey, I was on Quaaludes, I don't even remember Oslo. But I remember Boston.... and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named."
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"They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them."
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"I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, and Gary said, 'Hey, I've got a third ball.'" [vomits]
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"Damn it. I just threw up in here people. That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion!! In fact we all are -- oh, encore -- " [vomits]
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"Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!" [vomits]
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"Don't make me kill her!!"
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"...I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women..."
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"I am never satisfied. It's a curse."
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"We love you, Denver!! City by the bay.... John Denver!!"
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"SNOWFLAKE!!"
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"Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from Hell, okay?? We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott."
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"Troubled childhood?? If you call being a nine year old kid with a thirty-five year old girlfriend troubled."
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[Leaving a message on Jimmy's answerphone] "Hey, turdface. I've just taken every single one of your teddy bears and I've stuffed them down my pants!!"
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"Was it good for you, Stockholm?? 'cause it was good for me, let's have a smoke!!"
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" These guys put the bone in Zamboni"
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"Hi!.......YIKES.........sorry......."