Dialogues quotes
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Mrs. Pea****: Shouldn't we wait for the other guest?
Yvette: I will keep something warm for him.
Miss Scarlet: What did you have in mind, dear?
Col. Mustard: I prefer Kipling myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
Miss Scarlet: Sure, I'll eat anything.
Wadsworth: I'm merely a humble butler.
Col. Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Mrs. White: Are you a doctor?
Professor Plum: I am, but I don't practice.
Miss Scarlet: But practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Pea****?
Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on. You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Un-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier, that's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you're right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not "one plus TWO plus one plus one."
Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... SHUT UP! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Yvette: I will keep something warm for him.
Miss Scarlet: What did you have in mind, dear?
Col. Mustard: I prefer Kipling myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
Miss Scarlet: Sure, I'll eat anything.
Wadsworth: I'm merely a humble butler.
Col. Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Mrs. White: Are you a doctor?
Professor Plum: I am, but I don't practice.
Miss Scarlet: But practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Pea****?
Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on. You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Un-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier, that's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you're right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not "one plus TWO plus one plus one."
Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... SHUT UP! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
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Col. Mustard: You lure men to their deaths, like a spider with flies!
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Col. Mustard: Right!
Col. Mustard: Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother; the shock would have killed her!
Mrs. White: Oh. Well, that would be quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.
Mrs. White: Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green: Very funny.
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Col. Mustard: Right!
Col. Mustard: Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother; the shock would have killed her!
Mrs. White: Oh. Well, that would be quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.
Mrs. White: Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green: Very funny.
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
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Mrs. Pea****: Yvette, is there a little girls' room in the hall?
Yvette: Oui, oui, madame.
Mrs. Pea****: No, I just I want to powder my nose, thank you.
Mr. Green: So how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Col. Mustard: Certainly not!
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet!
Col. Mustard: Well, you tell them it's not true!
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Prof. Plum: Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No that's not true.
Mr. Green: A-ha! So it is true!
Wadsworth: A double negative!
Col. Mustard: Double negative? You mean you have [audibly whispers] photographs?!
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof-positive; I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Col. Mustard: That's right!
Wadsworth: You see? Just like the Mounties, we always get our man!
Mr. Green:: Mrs. Pea**** was a man?!
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Yvette: Oui, oui, madame.
Mrs. Pea****: No, I just I want to powder my nose, thank you.
Mr. Green: So how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Col. Mustard: Certainly not!
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet!
Col. Mustard: Well, you tell them it's not true!
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Prof. Plum: Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No that's not true.
Mr. Green: A-ha! So it is true!
Wadsworth: A double negative!
Col. Mustard: Double negative? You mean you have [audibly whispers] photographs?!
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof-positive; I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Col. Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Col. Mustard: That's right!
Wadsworth: You see? Just like the Mounties, we always get our man!
Mr. Green:: Mrs. Pea**** was a man?!
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
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Mr. Green:: Does the FBI make a habit of cleaning up after multiple murders?
Wadsworth: Yes! Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Mrs. White: He was deranged, he was... lunatic. He didn't seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared!
Mrs. White: Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never RE-appeared!
Mrs. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Cop: This man is drunk. Dead drunk!
Miss Scarlet: Dead right!
Cop: You're not going to drive home, are you?
Prof. Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll...we'll...we'll get him a car!
Prof. Plum: A long black car!
Miss Scarlet: [Elbows him in ribs.] A limousine!
Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something.
Wadsworth: [Dismissively] Ah yes, the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
Prof. Plum: Well, ladies first.
Mrs. Pea****: No, no, no. You go first.
Prof. Plum: No, I insist.
Mrs. Pea****: No, I insist.
Prof. Plum: Well, what are you afraid of? A fate worse than death?
Mrs. Pea****: No, just death. Isn't that enough?
Yvette: Go on. I'll be right behind you.
Mr. Green:: That's why I'm nervous.
Mrs. White: Oh no! Nobody can get into that position!
Prof. Plum: Sure they can, let me show you. [Climbs on top of her.]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
Mr. Boddy: What are they all doin' here?
Wadsworth: Eating dinner.
Mr. Green: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?!
Cop: Let me out of here! Let me out, you have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty...and MURDER!
Wadsworth: [Opens door.] What do you mean - murder?
Cop: I just said that so you would open the door.
Wadsworth: Help yourself to a drink, if you like. Not the cognac, just in case.
Cop: Just in case of what?
[Col. Mustard looks into the study.]
Col. Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. Pea****: Everything all right?
Col. Mustard: Yep, two corpses, everything's fine.
Mrs. White: Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?!
Prof. Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?
Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.
Prof. Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.
Col. Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
Mrs. Pea****: [hysterically] Oh, who cares, that guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up, for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are TWO DEAD BODIES, IN THE STUDY!
All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Mr. Green: Well, he couldn't have been dead.
Prof. Plum: He was! At least I thought he was. But, what difference does it make now?
Miss Scarlet: Makes quite a difference to him!
Col. Mustard: Which room's this?
Miss Scarlet: Search me.
Col. Mustard: Okay. [He proceeds to pat Miss Scarlet down like some kind of masher.]
Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me!
Mr. Green: I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: I know, so I choose to expose myself.
Col. Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth: No.
Col. Mustard: So there is someone else in the house?
Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said 'no' meaning 'yes'.
Col. Mustard: No meaning yes? Look, I want a straight answer: is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?
Wadsworth: Um...no.
Col. Mustard: "No" there is? Or "no" there isn't?
Wadsworth: Yes.
Col. Mustard: Well there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in the house.
Wadsworth: I told you there isn't.
Col. Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anyone else?
Wadsworth: Either! Or, both.
Col. Mustard: Look, would you just give me a clear answer?
Wadsworth: Certainly! What was the question?
Col. Mustard: Is there anybody else in the house?!
All: NO!!!
Colonel Mustard: There's very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.
Prof. Plum: Pairs?
Col. Mustard: Yes.
Prof. Plum: Wait a minute! Suppose that one of us is the murderer. If we split up into pairs, whichever one of us is left with the killer might get killed!
Colonel Mustard: Then we will have discovered who the murderer is!
Mrs. Pea****: But the other half of the pair would be DEAD!
Colonel Mustard: This is war Pea****! Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that!
Mrs. Pea****: But look what happened to the cook!
Miss Scarlet: Well to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.
Prof. Plum: Oh yeah? [Takes a pen and notepad from his pocket] What's the phone number?
[from the third ending]
[Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth, who reveals himself to be Mr. Boddy]
Mr. Boddy: Good shot, Green!
[Wadsworth slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm]
Mr. Boddy: Oh, VERY good...
[Dies.]
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Wadsworth: Yes! Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Mrs. White: He was deranged, he was... lunatic. He didn't seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared!
Mrs. White: Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never RE-appeared!
Mrs. White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Cop: This man is drunk. Dead drunk!
Miss Scarlet: Dead right!
Cop: You're not going to drive home, are you?
Prof. Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll...we'll...we'll get him a car!
Prof. Plum: A long black car!
Miss Scarlet: [Elbows him in ribs.] A limousine!
Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something.
Wadsworth: [Dismissively] Ah yes, the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
Prof. Plum: Well, ladies first.
Mrs. Pea****: No, no, no. You go first.
Prof. Plum: No, I insist.
Mrs. Pea****: No, I insist.
Prof. Plum: Well, what are you afraid of? A fate worse than death?
Mrs. Pea****: No, just death. Isn't that enough?
Yvette: Go on. I'll be right behind you.
Mr. Green:: That's why I'm nervous.
Mrs. White: Oh no! Nobody can get into that position!
Prof. Plum: Sure they can, let me show you. [Climbs on top of her.]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
Mr. Boddy: What are they all doin' here?
Wadsworth: Eating dinner.
Mr. Green: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?!
Cop: Let me out of here! Let me out, you have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty...and MURDER!
Wadsworth: [Opens door.] What do you mean - murder?
Cop: I just said that so you would open the door.
Wadsworth: Help yourself to a drink, if you like. Not the cognac, just in case.
Cop: Just in case of what?
[Col. Mustard looks into the study.]
Col. Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. Pea****: Everything all right?
Col. Mustard: Yep, two corpses, everything's fine.
Mrs. White: Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?!
Prof. Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?
Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.
Prof. Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.
Col. Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
Mrs. Pea****: [hysterically] Oh, who cares, that guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up, for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are TWO DEAD BODIES, IN THE STUDY!
All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Mr. Green: Well, he couldn't have been dead.
Prof. Plum: He was! At least I thought he was. But, what difference does it make now?
Miss Scarlet: Makes quite a difference to him!
Col. Mustard: Which room's this?
Miss Scarlet: Search me.
Col. Mustard: Okay. [He proceeds to pat Miss Scarlet down like some kind of masher.]
Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me!
Mr. Green: I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: I know, so I choose to expose myself.
Col. Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
Col. Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth: No.
Col. Mustard: So there is someone else in the house?
Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said 'no' meaning 'yes'.
Col. Mustard: No meaning yes? Look, I want a straight answer: is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?
Wadsworth: Um...no.
Col. Mustard: "No" there is? Or "no" there isn't?
Wadsworth: Yes.
Col. Mustard: Well there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in the house.
Wadsworth: I told you there isn't.
Col. Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anyone else?
Wadsworth: Either! Or, both.
Col. Mustard: Look, would you just give me a clear answer?
Wadsworth: Certainly! What was the question?
Col. Mustard: Is there anybody else in the house?!
All: NO!!!
Colonel Mustard: There's very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.
Prof. Plum: Pairs?
Col. Mustard: Yes.
Prof. Plum: Wait a minute! Suppose that one of us is the murderer. If we split up into pairs, whichever one of us is left with the killer might get killed!
Colonel Mustard: Then we will have discovered who the murderer is!
Mrs. Pea****: But the other half of the pair would be DEAD!
Colonel Mustard: This is war Pea****! Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that!
Mrs. Pea****: But look what happened to the cook!
Miss Scarlet: Well to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.
Prof. Plum: Oh yeah? [Takes a pen and notepad from his pocket] What's the phone number?
[from the third ending]
[Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth, who reveals himself to be Mr. Boddy]
Mr. Boddy: Good shot, Green!
[Wadsworth slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm]
Mr. Boddy: Oh, VERY good...
[Dies.]
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
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Yvette [upon being assigned to search the attic]: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark, will anyone go with me?
Colonel Mustard: I will.
Prof. Plum: I will.
Mr. Green: [turning away] No thank you.
[from the third ending]
Mr. Green: YOU'RE Mr. Boddy!
[Wadsworth chuckles]
Prof. Plum: Wait a minute! So who did I kill?
Wadsworth: My butler.
Prof. Plum: Oh, shucks.
Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't THAT bad.
Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next!
Miss Scarlet: Oh?
[Everyone looks at accusingly Colonel Mustard]
Colonel Mustard: I said IF! IF!
[The cop has just inspected the study and lounge, where the guests have disguised the bodies so it looks like they are making love. Wadsworth does not know this, and sees the cop exiting the lounge.]
Wadsworth: Officer!
Cop: You're too late, I've seen it all.
Wadsworth: You have? I can explain everything!
Cop: You don't have to.
Wadsworth: I don't?
Cop: Don't worry! There's nothing illegal about any of this!
Wadsworth: Are you sure??
Cop: Of course! This is America!
Wadsworth: I see...
Cop: It's a free country! Don't you know that?
Wadsworth: I didn't know it was THAT free.
[Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard have entered the lounge through the secret passage. The secret passage has closed behind them, the lounge door is locked from the outside, and Wadsworth has lost the key to the lounge door]
Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!
Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard: LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
Miss Scarlet: [Looking at negatives] Very pretty. Would you like to see these, Yvette? They might shock you!
Yvette: Non, merci. I am a lay-dee.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a "lay-dee"?
Prof. Plum: What sort of pictures are they?
Col. Mustard: They are MY pictures and I'd like them back, please.
Wadsworth: Why would anyone want to kill him twice?
Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary.
Col. Mustard: That's what we call overkill.
Prof. Plum: That's what we call psychotic.
Colonel Mustard: Looks like a secret passage.
Miss Scarlet: Shall we see where it goes?
Colonel Mustard: What the hell. I'll go first... I've had a good life.
Miss Scarlet: Why has the car stopped?
Professor Plum: It’s frightened.
Mrs. Pea****: So what does your husband do?
Mrs. White: Nothing.
Mrs. Pea****: Nothing?
Mrs. White: Well, he just lies around on his back all day.
Miss Scarlet: Sounds like hard work to me.
Mrs. White: I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.
Mr. Green: Me, too.
Col. Mustard: And me.
Miss Scarlet: Not me.
Wadsworth: You’re not being blackmailed?
Miss Scarlet: Oh I’m being blackmailed all right. But I did what I’m being blackmailed for.
Wadsworth: And Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel’s pay.
Col. Mustard: I don’t. I came into money during the war when I lost my mommy and daddy.
Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...
Everybody else: Too late!
Colonel Mustard: I will.
Prof. Plum: I will.
Mr. Green: [turning away] No thank you.
[from the third ending]
Mr. Green: YOU'RE Mr. Boddy!
[Wadsworth chuckles]
Prof. Plum: Wait a minute! So who did I kill?
Wadsworth: My butler.
Prof. Plum: Oh, shucks.
Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't THAT bad.
Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next!
Miss Scarlet: Oh?
[Everyone looks at accusingly Colonel Mustard]
Colonel Mustard: I said IF! IF!
[The cop has just inspected the study and lounge, where the guests have disguised the bodies so it looks like they are making love. Wadsworth does not know this, and sees the cop exiting the lounge.]
Wadsworth: Officer!
Cop: You're too late, I've seen it all.
Wadsworth: You have? I can explain everything!
Cop: You don't have to.
Wadsworth: I don't?
Cop: Don't worry! There's nothing illegal about any of this!
Wadsworth: Are you sure??
Cop: Of course! This is America!
Wadsworth: I see...
Cop: It's a free country! Don't you know that?
Wadsworth: I didn't know it was THAT free.
[Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard have entered the lounge through the secret passage. The secret passage has closed behind them, the lounge door is locked from the outside, and Wadsworth has lost the key to the lounge door]
Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!
Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard: LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
Miss Scarlet: [Looking at negatives] Very pretty. Would you like to see these, Yvette? They might shock you!
Yvette: Non, merci. I am a lay-dee.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a "lay-dee"?
Prof. Plum: What sort of pictures are they?
Col. Mustard: They are MY pictures and I'd like them back, please.
Wadsworth: Why would anyone want to kill him twice?
Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary.
Col. Mustard: That's what we call overkill.
Prof. Plum: That's what we call psychotic.
Colonel Mustard: Looks like a secret passage.
Miss Scarlet: Shall we see where it goes?
Colonel Mustard: What the hell. I'll go first... I've had a good life.
Miss Scarlet: Why has the car stopped?
Professor Plum: It’s frightened.
Mrs. Pea****: So what does your husband do?
Mrs. White: Nothing.
Mrs. Pea****: Nothing?
Mrs. White: Well, he just lies around on his back all day.
Miss Scarlet: Sounds like hard work to me.
Mrs. White: I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.
Mr. Green: Me, too.
Col. Mustard: And me.
Miss Scarlet: Not me.
Wadsworth: You’re not being blackmailed?
Miss Scarlet: Oh I’m being blackmailed all right. But I did what I’m being blackmailed for.
Wadsworth: And Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel’s pay.
Col. Mustard: I don’t. I came into money during the war when I lost my mommy and daddy.
Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...
Everybody else: Too late!