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Rosemary: I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.
Olive: Why?
Rosemary: Because I was a slut. I slept with a whole bunch of people. A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.
Olive: Mom!
...
Olive: Can you not see that I'm a mess?
Rosemary: No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you'll handle this the same way I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. But you're much smarter than I am, so you'll come out of this much better than I did.
Olive: Thank you, Mom.
Olive: Why?
Rosemary: Because I was a slut. I slept with a whole bunch of people. A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.
Olive: Mom!
...
Olive: Can you not see that I'm a mess?
Rosemary: No, you're not, Olive. You're wonderful. And you'll handle this the same way I did. With an incontrovertible sense of humor. But you're much smarter than I am, so you'll come out of this much better than I did.
Olive: Thank you, Mom.
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Rosemary: That boy from yesterday just dropped this off for you...
Olive: Well, put it in the pile of gifts from my other suitors.
Rosemary: He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little incredibly gay...
Olive: Dyed in the wool homosexual, that boy is.
Rosemary: I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex partner...
Olive: We are not dating, Mom.
Rosemary: ...and don't worry about not making us grandparents. Although we were kind of hoping you'd get "knocked up" so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time.
Olive: Bye now...
Rosemary: You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time, actually... a long time...
Olive: Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you didn't marry and have children with him!
Rosemary: [Giggles] No.
[Olive sarcastically imitates laughing]
Rosemary: No, no. Your father is as straight as they come. A little too straight, if you know what I mean, girlfriend.
Olive: I don't...
Olive: Well, put it in the pile of gifts from my other suitors.
Rosemary: He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little incredibly gay...
Olive: Dyed in the wool homosexual, that boy is.
Rosemary: I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite sex sex partner...
Olive: We are not dating, Mom.
Rosemary: ...and don't worry about not making us grandparents. Although we were kind of hoping you'd get "knocked up" so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time.
Olive: Bye now...
Rosemary: You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time, actually... a long time...
Olive: Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you didn't marry and have children with him!
Rosemary: [Giggles] No.
[Olive sarcastically imitates laughing]
Rosemary: No, no. Your father is as straight as they come. A little too straight, if you know what I mean, girlfriend.
Olive: I don't...
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Todd: [referring to the student protesters] Screw all these people, Olive!
Olive: Haven't you heard? I already did.
Olive: Haven't you heard? I already did.
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[on webcam, about Todd] I might even lose my virginity to him. I don't know when it will happen. You know, maybe in five minutes, or tonight, or six months from now, or maybe on the night of our wedding. But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business.
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[On webcam] And here you all are. Waiting for me outside the bedroom door for me to kiss Todd. Listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon. Paying me to lie for you, and calling me every name in the book. And you know what? It was just like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Except that's the one thing movies don't tell you: how shitty it feels to be an outcast. Warranted or not.
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[to Brandon as she removes her panties] Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?
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[to Marianne] We've had nine classes together since Kindergarten...ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't because you called it science fiction and refused to go.
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[to Olive] You've made your bed...I just hope for your sake, you've cleaned the sheets.
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[voiceover] The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building. Pretty cutting edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous. Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah! But don't worry. This isn't one of those tales, though it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal things. So, let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast-size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now.
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Jesus tells us to love everyone, even the whores and the homosexuals. But it's so hard, it's so hard because they keep doing it, over and over again.
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That's the one thing that trumps religion...capitalism.
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Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.