Empire Records quotes

View Quote A.J.: Joe, I need to ask your advice. Now I know you know a lot about love and women and all that sort of thing...
Joe: Oh, yeah, my wife left me for another woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave at gunpoint. Does this qualify me?
A.J.: Oh yeah, definitely.

View Quote A.J: What's with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from Karate Kid. What's with you today?
Lucas: What's with today, today?

View Quote Debra: [Reading the new Musictown rules] No visible tattoos.
Gina: No revealing clothing.
Debra: We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.
Gina: Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, certainly with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new Neo-Nazi boot camp makeover, the boys will come a-runnin'.
Debra: Let's not fight, let's just rip [both start tearing lists of rules]

View Quote Gina: [about Debra having shaved her head] Well, Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!
Debra: God, that is so clever. You know, I swear you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.
Gina: And you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so it's probably good you went with that.

View Quote High Roller: That's an 18,000 dollar bet, you sure you know what you're doin', kid?
Lucas: I know this, that if I win this roll, I will save the place that I work from being sold, and the jobs of my friends that work there. Thus striking a blow at all that is evil and making this world a better place to be in.
Lady at Craps Table: Huh?
Lucas: ...And I'll buy you guys a drink. [Lady smiles]

View Quote Jane: What are you doing later?
Joe: I don't know. I'm either going to jail or hell. I can't decide.

View Quote Joe: Where's the money, Lucas?
Lucas: Joe, the money is gone.
Joe: I know it's GONE, where's it gone to?
Lucas: Atlantic City.
Joe: Atlantic City. ...Is it coming back from Atlantic City?
Lucas: I... I don't think so.
Joe: What's it doing in Atlantic City?
Lucas: Recirculating.
Joe: Recirculating?
Lucas: Yeah.
Joe: Lucas, listen to me. I told Mitchell Beck that you forgot to deposit the money. I told Mitchell that the money was still here.
Lucas: Joe, that's not true. It's in Atlantic City... I swear!
Joe: Shut up, sit down, and don't you move.
Lucas: [sitting down] It could be in other cities by now...
Joe: Oh, shut up! Under no cir****stances do I want you to leave that couch... unless it's to get me $9000, and then you bring it here to me, okay?
Lucas: Okay. You know, I think things are gonna be all right now, Joe.
Joe: Oh? And what makes you think that.
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

View Quote Warren: Who glued these quarters down?
A.J.: I did.
Warren: What the hell for, man?
A.J.: I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.

View Quote [Joe is talking to the police about Warren]
Joe: [to Warren] How old are you?
Warren: Old enough to kick your butt through your skull and splatter your brains on the wall.
Joe: [to the cops on the phone] Yeah, he's a juvenile.