Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) quotes

View Quote Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.

View Quote Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.

View Quote Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.

View Quote The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

View Quote Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!

View Quote Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?
Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?
Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!

View Quote Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

View Quote The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmative, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.
The Operator: We're gonna make it.

View Quote The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

View Quote The Queen: Kiss me quick!
The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?

View Quote Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
Victor Shakapopulis: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?

View Quote [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

View Quote Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

View Quote Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?

View Quote I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."