Multiple Characters quotes
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Pre Movie Warning: "If you are reading this, then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all who claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity, you will become a statistic. You have been warned ... Tyler."
Taken from split-second "pop-up" warning that appears at the beginning of the DVD
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Chloe: Well, I'm still here, but I don't know for how long. That's as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I've got some good news: I no longer have any fear of death. But I am in a pretty lonely place. No one will have sex with me. I'm so close to the end, and all I want is to get laid for the last time. I have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants and amyl nitrate ...
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Narrator: Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you?
Tyler Durden: C'mon, do me this one favor.
Narrator: Why?
Tyler Durden: Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been in a fight. You?
Narrator: No, but that's a good thing.
Tyler Durden: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars. So come on – hit me, before I lose my nerve.
Narrator: This is crazy.
Tyler Durden: So go crazy. Let 'er rip.
Narrator: I don't know about this.
Tyler Durden: I don't either. Who gives a shit? No one's watching. What do you care?
Narrator: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to hit you?
Tyler Durden: That's right.
Narrator: What, like in the face?
Tyler Durden: Surprise me.
Narrator: This is so ****ing stupid ...
[He swings and connects with Tyler's head]
Tyler Durden: Mother****er! You hit me in the ear!
Narrator: Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.
Tyler Durden: Ow, Christ ... why the ear, man?
Narrator: Guess I ****ed it up ...
Tyler Durden: No, that was perfect!
[He punches the Narrator in the stomach]
Tyler Durden: C'mon, do me this one favor.
Narrator: Why?
Tyler Durden: Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been in a fight. You?
Narrator: No, but that's a good thing.
Tyler Durden: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars. So come on – hit me, before I lose my nerve.
Narrator: This is crazy.
Tyler Durden: So go crazy. Let 'er rip.
Narrator: I don't know about this.
Tyler Durden: I don't either. Who gives a shit? No one's watching. What do you care?
Narrator: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to hit you?
Tyler Durden: That's right.
Narrator: What, like in the face?
Tyler Durden: Surprise me.
Narrator: This is so ****ing stupid ...
[He swings and connects with Tyler's head]
Tyler Durden: Mother****er! You hit me in the ear!
Narrator: Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.
Tyler Durden: Ow, Christ ... why the ear, man?
Narrator: Guess I ****ed it up ...
Tyler Durden: No, that was perfect!
[He punches the Narrator in the stomach]
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[One of the Narrator's teeth falls out]
Narrator: ****.
Tyler Durden: Hey, even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.
Narrator: ****.
Tyler Durden: Hey, even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.
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Narrator: When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just ...
Marla Singer: ... waiting for their turn to speak?
Marla Singer: ... waiting for their turn to speak?
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Richard Chesler (reading a piece of paper): The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club?
Narrator (voice-over): I'm half asleep again. I must've left the original in the copy machine.
Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club ... is this yours?
Narrator: Huh?
Richard Chesler: Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
Narrator (pauses): Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that ... is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
Narrator (talking slowly): And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Narrator (voice-over): Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.
[He snatches the piece of paper from Richard's hands]
Narrator (voice-over): And I used to be such a nice guy.
Narrator: Or maybe you shouldn't bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.
[Phone rings]
Narrator (into phone): Compliance and Liability ...?
Marla Singer: My tit's gonna rot off.
Narrator (to Richard Chesler): Would you excuse me? I need to take this.
Narrator (voice-over): I'm half asleep again. I must've left the original in the copy machine.
Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club ... is this yours?
Narrator: Huh?
Richard Chesler: Pretend you're me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
Narrator (pauses): Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that ... is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
Narrator (talking slowly): And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Narrator (voice-over): Tyler's words coming out of my mouth.
[He snatches the piece of paper from Richard's hands]
Narrator (voice-over): And I used to be such a nice guy.
Narrator: Or maybe you shouldn't bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.
[Phone rings]
Narrator (into phone): Compliance and Liability ...?
Marla Singer: My tit's gonna rot off.
Narrator (to Richard Chesler): Would you excuse me? I need to take this.
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[Narrator's bags have just been confiscated]
Narrator: Was it ticking?
Airport Security Officer: Actually, throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.
Narrator: Sorry, throwers?
Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor. But ... every once in a while [looks around, leans in conspiratorially] ... it's a dildo. [leans back] Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinite article, "a dildo", never ... your dildo.
Narrator: I don't own a dildo!
Narrator: Was it ticking?
Airport Security Officer: Actually, throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.
Narrator: Sorry, throwers?
Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor. But ... every once in a while [looks around, leans in conspiratorially] ... it's a dildo. [leans back] Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinite article, "a dildo", never ... your dildo.
Narrator: I don't own a dildo!
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Tyler Durden: OK, any historic figure.
Narrator: I'd fight Gandhi.
Tyler Durden: Good answer.
Narrator: How about you?
Tyler Durden: Lincoln.
Narrator: Lincoln?
Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.
Narrator: I'd fight Gandhi.
Tyler Durden: Good answer.
Narrator: How about you?
Tyler Durden: Lincoln.
Narrator: Lincoln?
Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.
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Tyler Durden: Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate, you can make napalm?
Narrator: No, I did not know that. Is that true?
Tyler Durden: That's right. One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.
Narrator: Really ...?
Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.
Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met. ... See, I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving ...
Tyler Durden: Oh, I get it. It's very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: ... Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up, then. Right up. [gets up from seat] Now, a question of etiquette: as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?
Narrator: No, I did not know that. Is that true?
Tyler Durden: That's right. One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.
Narrator: Really ...?
Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.
Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met. ... See, I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving ...
Tyler Durden: Oh, I get it. It's very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: ... Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up, then. Right up. [gets up from seat] Now, a question of etiquette: as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?
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Narrator: He was the guerilla terrorist in the food service industry.
[The Narrator looks at Tyler, who's urinating in a pot]
Tyler Durden: Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.
Narrator: Apart from seasoning the lobster bisque, he farted on the meringue, sneezed on braised endive, and as for the cream of mushroom soup, well ...
Tyler Durden (snickers): Go ahead. Tell 'em.
Narrator: You get the idea.
[The Narrator looks at Tyler, who's urinating in a pot]
Tyler Durden: Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.
Narrator: Apart from seasoning the lobster bisque, he farted on the meringue, sneezed on braised endive, and as for the cream of mushroom soup, well ...
Tyler Durden (snickers): Go ahead. Tell 'em.
Narrator: You get the idea.
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Tyler Durden: We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: **** Martha Stewart! Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic; it's all going down, man. So **** off with your sofa units and your Strinne green stripe patterns. I say, never be complete. I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: **** Martha Stewart! Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic; it's all going down, man. So **** off with your sofa units and your Strinne green stripe patterns. I say, never be complete. I say, stop being perfect. I say, let's evolve, and let the chips fall where they may.
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Narrator: Tyler was a night person. While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked. He had one part time job as a projectionist. See, a movie doesn't come all on one big reel. It comes on a few. So someone has to be there to switch the projectors at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins. If you look for it, you can see these little dots come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen.
Tyler Durden: In the industry, we call them cigarette burns.
Narrator: That's the cue for a changeover. He flips the projectors, the movie keeps right on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea.
Tyler Durden: And why would anyone want this shit job?
Narrator: Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.
Tyler Durden: Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.
Narrator: So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in reel three, that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film.
[The audience is watching the film, the pornography flashes for a split second]
Narrator: Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.
Tyler Durden: A nice, big **** ...
[Several audience members look rattled, a little girl is crying]
Narrator: Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.
Tyler Durden: In the industry, we call them cigarette burns.
Narrator: That's the cue for a changeover. He flips the projectors, the movie keeps right on going, and nobody in the audience has any idea.
Tyler Durden: And why would anyone want this shit job?
Narrator: Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.
Tyler Durden: Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.
Narrator: So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in reel three, that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film.
[The audience is watching the film, the pornography flashes for a split second]
Narrator: Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.
Tyler Durden: A nice, big **** ...
[Several audience members look rattled, a little girl is crying]
Narrator: Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.
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Narrator: You know, what I really think is it's time you got out of here.
Marla Singer: Yeah. Don't worry, I'm leaving.
Narrator: Not that we don't love your little visits.
Marla Singer: You know, you are such a nutcase I can't even begin to keep up.
Marla Singer: Yeah. Don't worry, I'm leaving.
Narrator: Not that we don't love your little visits.
Marla Singer: You know, you are such a nutcase I can't even begin to keep up.
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Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.
Woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?
Narrator: You wouldn't believe.
Woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?
Narrator: A major one.
Woman on plane: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?
Narrator: You wouldn't believe.
Woman on plane: Which car company do you work for?
Narrator: A major one.
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Narrator: What are you talking about? This is not a ****ing piece of evidence! This is a person! He's a friend of mine, and you're not going to bury him in the ****ing garden.
Angel Face: He was killed serving Project Mayhem, sir.
Narrator: This is Bob.
Steph: But in Project Mayhem, we have no names.
Narrator: No, listen to me. This is a man and he has a name, and it's Robert Paulson, okay?
Mechanic: Robert Paulson.
Narrator: He is dead now, because of us, all right? You understand that?
[Everyone stares at Narrator]
Mechanic: I understand. In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name. His name is Robert Paulson.
Steph: His name is Robert Paulson.
Narrator: Stop it! Shut up!
All Space Monkeys: His name is Robert Paulson!
All Space Monkeys (louder): His name is Robert Paulson! His name is Robert Paulson!
Narrator: This is all over with!
Angel Face: He was killed serving Project Mayhem, sir.
Narrator: This is Bob.
Steph: But in Project Mayhem, we have no names.
Narrator: No, listen to me. This is a man and he has a name, and it's Robert Paulson, okay?
Mechanic: Robert Paulson.
Narrator: He is dead now, because of us, all right? You understand that?
[Everyone stares at Narrator]
Mechanic: I understand. In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name. His name is Robert Paulson.
Steph: His name is Robert Paulson.
Narrator: Stop it! Shut up!
All Space Monkeys: His name is Robert Paulson!
All Space Monkeys (louder): His name is Robert Paulson! His name is Robert Paulson!
Narrator: This is all over with!
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Narrator: Testicular cancer should be no contest.
Marla Singer: You know, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls.
Narrator: You're kidding.
Marla Singer: I don't know. Am I?
Marla Singer: You know, technically, I have more of a right to be there than you. You still have your balls.
Narrator: You're kidding.
Marla Singer: I don't know. Am I?