Fletch Lives quotes

View Quote (narrating) All I needed now was a computer. And a ten year old kid to teach me how to use it.

View Quote Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit.

View Quote It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man.

View Quote (narrating) The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going to hold anything against her, it wouldn't be her father.

View Quote (narrating) Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes... Larry Holmes could've figured that one out.

View Quote I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it.

View Quote What can I do to y- for you?

View Quote "I was on my gazebo, on the roof, making some repairs, and I was struck by lightning...and I've had migraine headaches and blurred vision ever since then but praise the Lord that was my lucky day because ever since then, I've had the healing power. Amen, God bless you. Thank you very much. Good night. Yes? What happened? Yes?

View Quote I believe Louisana is the Pelican State.

View Quote They multiply by masturbation.

View Quote I've been foolishly squandering my salary on food and heat.

View Quote S****! S****! S****! Go back to where you're from!

View Quote These walls are deplaning at an alarming rate!

View Quote You shouldn't wear so much eye shadow. It makes you look slutty.

View Quote (narrating) The morgue proved to be a dead end. But I guess it is for most people.

View Quote (narrating) When I got back, there was a cozy fire in the fireplace...and on the roof, and on the porch. It was great.

View Quote (narrating) Over the years, I found Mr. Underhill's credit card to be a useful tool, much like Underhill himself.

View Quote (narrating) I never liked guns, especially when they're pointed at me.

View Quote Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee Schwartz.

View Quote KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be.

View Quote Announcer: Lets welcome our guest healer Mr. Claude Henry Smoot

View Quote Sheriff: Were y'all doin' drugs?
Fletch: Just Bogle.
Sheriff: Bogle? What's Bogle?
Fletch: It's a very popular drug. Made from grapes.
Sheriff: You're under arrest.
Fletch: What's the charge?
Sheriff: Pissin' me off.
Fletch: Is that a felony or a misdimeanor?

View Quote Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: Erwin, admit that you are a sinner.
Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned.
Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya!
Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal.

View Quote Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste?
Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit.
Fletch: Where?... Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.
Frank: Uh, there's only one.

View Quote Fletch: (flirting) Hey Betty, how about lunch at the In N' Out Burger?
Betty Dilworth: (disgusted) No.
Fletch: Okay, forget the burger, how about just the In N' Out?
(she sneers at him)
Fletch: Ok, how about just the In?

View Quote (Fletch, dressed as a nerdy businessman, has walked into a biker bar)
Fletch: Name's Ed... Ed Harley.
Joe Jack: Ed... you sure you're in the right place?
Fletch: I think so!
Joe Jack: (mocking) Think so!
(all laugh)
Joe Jack: Ed...
(frowning)
Joe Jack: What are you doing in here?
Fletch: I'll give you a hint... Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
(all stare)
Fletch: You don't get it?
Joe Jack: (grabs Fletch) No, Ed... you're the one that doesn't get it.
Fletch: Ed HARLEY. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles!
Joe Jack: (shocked) You own the company?
Fletch: Well, my granddaddy started it, then my Daddy screwed Davidson out of his half, and now I own the whole thing.
Joe Jack: (really shocked) Harley-Davidson, no shit?
Fletch: No shit!
Joe Jack: (smiling broadly) Hey, everybody! Ed the Third here owns Harley-Davidson! We're the Nazis from Natchez!
(all cheer, embrace Fletch)

View Quote Doorman: Name?
Fletch: Ah...Irwin M Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.
Doorman: Address?
Fletch: 7.

View Quote Man on Computer: Who are you?
Fletch: Hello, I'm Peter Lemon-Jello and they told me to tell you your house is on fire.
Man on Computer: Thank you!! Good bless you!!
Fletch: (to himself) Thank you for beliving this shit!

View Quote Fletch: It's a championship Laker watch.
Cindy Mae: Oh, are you a Laker?
Fletch: I used to date one - only thing I have to remember him by.

View Quote Cindy Mae: (Turbulence) Oh Lord, what was that?
Fletch: We just clipped a Piper Cub. Pilot's okay, I just saw him parachuting.

View Quote Calculus Entropy: How do you do? I be Calculus Entropy, you be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher?
Fletch: I be Fletch, Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.

View Quote Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started.
Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts.
Fletch: I'll bet.

View Quote Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything?
Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you?

View Quote Ben Dover: Take your pants off.
Fletch: I don't even know your name.
Ben Dover: Bend over.
Fletch: Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo.

View Quote Fletch: What're you in for?
Ben Dover: Moleseting a dead horse.
Fletch: Well..I can't see what's so wrong with that.....did the horse object?

View Quote Calculus Entropy: Guess you'll be movin' in with me.
Fletch: Thanks, Cal. Look at the bright side. You won't have to bother dusting anymore.

View Quote Hamilton "Ham" Johnson: So tragic when this happens to somebody so young and healthy. Was she feeling alright last night?
Fletch: She felt great to me.

View Quote Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: You don't suppose I used too many photographs of myself do you?
Fletch: No, no. Worked for the Ayatollah.

View Quote Old Fella: You're cute! What's your name little lady?........
Fletch: Peggy Lee, Peggy Lee Zorba

View Quote Guard: Sir this is a restricted area!
Fletch: I'm happy for ya, most people live in terrible neighborhoods.

View Quote Supervisor: And you are?
Fletch: I are pissed!

View Quote Sheriff: You care ta make a statmunt?
Fletch: (Sighs) Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

View Quote Southern Belle: (to Fletch) They sure do love you Colonel.
Fletch: (looking at her bosom) And I love them, too!

View Quote Cindy Mae: What did you say you name was?
Fletch: Nostradamus.
Cindy Mae: Nostra Damus? I love the Fightin' Irish.

View Quote Real Estate Agent: I can see you're disappointed.
Fletch: No, not at all. A little speckling and some napalm and this place could make a nice mausoleum.