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Taxi Driver: Welcome to New York! Go and **** a dick!
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Dylan: Breasts.
Jamie: Really? I think they're so tiny.
Dylan: They're still breasts.
Jamie: Thank you!
Jamie: Really? I think they're so tiny.
Dylan: They're still breasts.
Jamie: Thank you!
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Dylan: I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.
Tommy: Who's that? That headhunter?
Dylan: Uh-huh.
Tommy: What, you guys going out now?
Dylan: No, no, no, we're just friends. We're... messing around a little bit.
Tommy: What do you mean?
Dylan: Sleeping together. But it's just sex.
Tommy: That never works, bro. She's a girl. Sex always means more to them even if they don't admit it.
Dylan: Jamie's different.
Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
Dylan: No penis.
Tommy: Then she's no different.
Tommy: Who's that? That headhunter?
Dylan: Uh-huh.
Tommy: What, you guys going out now?
Dylan: No, no, no, we're just friends. We're... messing around a little bit.
Tommy: What do you mean?
Dylan: Sleeping together. But it's just sex.
Tommy: That never works, bro. She's a girl. Sex always means more to them even if they don't admit it.
Dylan: Jamie's different.
Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
Dylan: No penis.
Tommy: Then she's no different.
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Dylan: What do you know about women, anyway?
Tommy: Dude, I've turned down more tail than you'll ever have.
Dylan: Yeah, bro - you're gay!
Tommy: But the offers keep rolling in, naturally. Look at me! And hey, I love women. They're beautiful, majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures. Smart, empathetic, far superior to men in every way. And if I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day. But me likes ****, so I'm strickily-dickily.
Tommy: Dude, I've turned down more tail than you'll ever have.
Dylan: Yeah, bro - you're gay!
Tommy: But the offers keep rolling in, naturally. Look at me! And hey, I love women. They're beautiful, majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures. Smart, empathetic, far superior to men in every way. And if I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day. But me likes ****, so I'm strickily-dickily.
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Jamie: Why don't they ever a make a movie about what happens after they kiss?
Dylan: They do, it's called porn.
Dylan: They do, it's called porn.
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Police officer: This is the LAPD. You are trespassing. Get down from the sign.
Jamie: We gotta jump.
[Jamie jumps down from the sign]
Jamie: Dylan, jump!
Dylan: I'm f-frozen!
Police officer: Come on, get down! Sir, this is your last warning.
Jamie: Use the ladder!
Dylan: I have a fear of heights! Also, he-he-helicopters! They don't make sense to me!
Jamie: What do you mean you have a fear of heights? Why would you come up here?
Dylan: You called me a pu-pussy!
Jamie: We gotta jump.
[Jamie jumps down from the sign]
Jamie: Dylan, jump!
Dylan: I'm f-frozen!
Police officer: Come on, get down! Sir, this is your last warning.
Jamie: Use the ladder!
Dylan: I have a fear of heights! Also, he-he-helicopters! They don't make sense to me!
Jamie: What do you mean you have a fear of heights? Why would you come up here?
Dylan: You called me a pu-pussy!
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[after he spills coffee on his pants, Dylan is asking another employee for a replacement pair] I'm your boss! Give me your pants!
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[repeated line] Still not gay?
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A work ethic. I love it! That is why this country is still number one. Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China. Thank God for Bangladesh!
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Are you trying to dig your way to China?
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Everybody, this is Dylan. He's from L.A. [Everybody boos him] He's the reason I can afford all this beer! [Everybody cheers him]
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I have the perfect body for Photoshop. This [face] gets more angular, these [legs] get longer and this [nose] gets way more Christian.
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I'm emotionally unavailable.