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Chris Washington: [about Andre Hayworth] He's different.
Rod Williams: No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
Chris Washington: It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
Rod Williams: Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the **** up outta there, man! You in some Eyes Wide Shut situation. Leave, mother**** - [cell phone line goes dead]
Rod Williams: No shit! Why is he dressed like that?
Chris Washington: It's not that, it's everything. He came to the party with a white woman like 30 years older than him.
Rod Williams: Sex slave! Oh, shit! Chris, you gotta get the **** up outta there, man! You in some Eyes Wide Shut situation. Leave, mother**** - [cell phone line goes dead]
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Chris Washington: [about Rose's parents] Do they know... Do they know I'm black?
Rose Armitage: No. Should they?
Chris Washington: It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
Rose Armitage: "Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman." Black...
Chris Washington: You said I was the first black guy you ever dated?
Rose Armitage: Yeah, so what?
Chris Washington: Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
Rose Armitage: You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for Obama a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely ****ing suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
Chris Washington: I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.
Rose Armitage: No. Should they?
Chris Washington: It seems like...something you might want to, you know...mention.
Rose Armitage: "Mom and Dad, my uh, my black boyfriend will be coming up this weekend, and I just don't want you to be shocked because he's a blackman." Black...
Chris Washington: You said I was the first black guy you ever dated?
Rose Armitage: Yeah, so what?
Chris Washington: Yeah, so this is uncharted territory for them. You know I don't want to be chased off the lawn with a shotgun.
Rose Armitage: You're not going to. First of all, my dad would have voted for Obama a third time if he could have. Like, the love is so real. I'm only telling you that because he is definitely going to want to talk to you about that, and it will definitely ****ing suck. But that's because he's a lame dad more than anything else. They are not racist. I would have told you. I wouldn't be bringing you home to them. Think about that for just two seconds.
Chris Washington: I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah good.
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Chris Washington: I didn't even want to tell you.
Rod Williams: What?
Chris Washington: I got hypnotized last night.
Rod Williams: ****, get the **** outta here!
Chris Washington: No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
Rod Williams: Bro I don't care if the bitch is Iyanla Vanzant, okay? She can't fix my mother****ing life. You ain't getting in my head.
Chris Washington: I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
Rod Williams: Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you ****in' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a ****in' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
Chris Washington: Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
Rod Williams: Look, Jeffrey Dahmer was eating the shit out of ****s' heads. Okay? But that was after he ****ed the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like "I'm a suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit." No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
Chris Washington: Thanks for that image right there, man.
Rod Williams: Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on A & E. That is real life.
Chris Washington: Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
Rod Williams: It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's ****in' the shit out of 'em.
Rod Williams: What?
Chris Washington: I got hypnotized last night.
Rod Williams: ****, get the **** outta here!
Chris Washington: No. Yo, yo, yeah it's to quit smoking. But Rose's mom's a psychiatrist, so ...
Rod Williams: Bro I don't care if the bitch is Iyanla Vanzant, okay? She can't fix my mother****ing life. You ain't getting in my head.
Chris Washington: I know, she caught me off guard, right? But it's cool because... I'm cured. It worked!
Rod Williams: Bro, how you not scared of this, man? Look they could have made you do all types of stupid shit. They have you ****in' barking like a dog. Flyin' around like you a ****in' pigeon, lookin' ridiculous. Okay? Or, I don't know if you know this. But, white people love making people sex slaves and shit.
Chris Washington: Yeah I'm pretty sure they are not a kinky sex family, dog.
Rod Williams: Look, Jeffrey Dahmer was eating the shit out of ****s' heads. Okay? But that was after he ****ed the heads. Do you think they saw that shit coming? Hell no, okay? They were coming over there like "I'm a suck a little dick, maybe jiggle some balls or shit." No. They didn't get a chance to jiggle shit because their heads was off their bodies. Yeah they still sucked the dick, but without their heads. It was weird detached heads shit. You know, that's Jeffrey Dahmer's business.
Chris Washington: Thanks for that image right there, man.
Rod Williams: Hey man, I'm not making this shit up. I saw it on A & E. That is real life.
Chris Washington: Yo, and the black people out here too. It seems like they all missed the movement.
Rod Williams: It's because they probably hypnotized. Look bro, all I'm doin' is connectin' the dots. I'm takin' what you presented to me, okay? I'm gonna tell you this, I think that mom is puttin' everybody in a trance and she's ****in' the shit out of 'em.
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Chris Washington: Why us? Why black people?
Jim Hudson: Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.
Jim Hudson: Who knows? People want to change. Some people want to be stronger...faster...cooler. Black is in fashion.
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Dean Armitage: [opening the door to show the back yard] And now for the piece de resistance. The field of play. I love it. The nearest house is across the lake. Total privacy. [they see Walter working in the yard] I know what you're thinking.
Chris Washington: What?
Dean Armitage: Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché.
Chris Washington: I wasn't going to take it there.
Dean Armitage: Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
Chris Washington: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Dean Armitage: By the way, I would have voted for Obama for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.
Chris Washington: What?
Dean Armitage: Come on, I get it. White family, black servants. It's a total cliché.
Chris Washington: I wasn't going to take it there.
Dean Armitage: Well you didn't have to, believe me. Now, we hired Georgina and Walter to help care for my parents. When they died I just couldn't bear to let them go. But boy, I hate how it looks.
Chris Washington: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Dean Armitage: By the way, I would have voted for Obama for a third term if I could. Best president in my lifetime. Hands down.
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Dean Armitage: Here, you're going to love this. My Dad's claim to fame. He was beat by Jesse Owens in the qualifying round for the Berlin Olympics in 1936. Those were the ones where...
Chris Washington: Owens won in front of Hitler.
Dean Armitage: Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
Chris Washington: Not great for your dad, though.
Dean Armitage: Yeah. He almost got over it.
Chris Washington: Owens won in front of Hitler.
Dean Armitage: Yes, what a moment, what a moment. I mean, Hitler's up there with all his perfect Aryan race bullshit. This black dude comes along and proves him wrong in front of the entire whole world. Amazing.
Chris Washington: Not great for your dad, though.
Dean Armitage: Yeah. He almost got over it.
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Jeremy Armitage: Yo man, where are you going? The party is just starting.
Chris Washington: I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
Missy Armitage: Would anyone like tea?
Chris Washington: No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
Missy Armitage: Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
[Chris looks at Rose]
Rose Armitage: His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
Chris Washington: Sorry.
Missy Armitage: How terrible.
Chris Washington: Rose, the keys.
Rose Armitage: I'm looking.
Dean Armitage: What is your purpose, Chris?
Chris Washington: What?
Dean Armitage: In life. What is your purpose?
Chris Washington: Right now it's finding those keys.
Dean Armitage: Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
Rose Armitage: I'm looking.
Dean Armitage: Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
Rose Armitage: [digging in her purse] I don't know where they are.
Chris Washington: Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! Rose, now, now! The keys!
[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]
Jeremy Armitage: Whoa be careful bro.
Chris Washington: What the ****?
Jeremy Armitage: I didn't do anything.
Chris Washington: What the **** is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
[long pause]
Rose Armitage: [holds up the keys] You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?
Chris Washington: I'm just putting the bags in the car, man.
Missy Armitage: Would anyone like tea?
Chris Washington: No I'm good. We're leaving, actually.
Missy Armitage: Really? Why? Is there something wrong?
[Chris looks at Rose]
Rose Armitage: His dog got really sick, so he has to be at the vet first thing in the morning.
Chris Washington: Sorry.
Missy Armitage: How terrible.
Chris Washington: Rose, the keys.
Rose Armitage: I'm looking.
Dean Armitage: What is your purpose, Chris?
Chris Washington: What?
Dean Armitage: In life. What is your purpose?
Chris Washington: Right now it's finding those keys.
Dean Armitage: Fire. It is a reflection of our own mortality. We are born, we breathe and then we die.
Rose Armitage: I'm looking.
Dean Armitage: Even the sun will die someday. But we are divine. We are the gods trapped in cocoons.
Rose Armitage: [digging in her purse] I don't know where they are.
Chris Washington: Rose, give me those keys. Give me those keys! Rose, now, now! The keys!
[Jeremy swings a lacrosse stick at Chris, who pushes him away]
Jeremy Armitage: Whoa be careful bro.
Chris Washington: What the ****?
Jeremy Armitage: I didn't do anything.
Chris Washington: What the **** is going on? Where are those keys, Rose?
[long pause]
Rose Armitage: [holds up the keys] You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?
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Missy Armitage: [to a hypnotized Chris] How do you feel now?
Chris Washington: I can't move.
Missy Armitage: You can't move.
Chris Washington: Why can't I move?
Missy Armitage: You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
Chris Washington: Wait, wait, wait.
Missy Armitage: Sink... Now you're in the Sunken place.
Chris Washington: I can't move.
Missy Armitage: You can't move.
Chris Washington: Why can't I move?
Missy Armitage: You're paralyzed. Just like that day when you did nothing. You did nothing. Now...sink into the floor.
Chris Washington: Wait, wait, wait.
Missy Armitage: Sink... Now you're in the Sunken place.
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Rod Williams: [about the missing Andre Hayworth] But Chris say he is acting real different.
Detective Latoya: Different how?
Rod Williams: This dude is from Brooklyn, huh? He don't dress like this.
Detective Latoya: I didn't use to dress like this.
Rod Williams: Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
Detective Latoya: That would explain the clothes... Alright. [she laughs] Oh Lord, Rod Williams from TSA.
Rod Williams: I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
Detective Latoya: Try me.
Rod Williams: I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.
Detective Latoya: Different how?
Rod Williams: This dude is from Brooklyn, huh? He don't dress like this.
Detective Latoya: I didn't use to dress like this.
Rod Williams: Plus he is married to a white woman twice his age.
Detective Latoya: That would explain the clothes... Alright. [she laughs] Oh Lord, Rod Williams from TSA.
Rod Williams: I know, I know, I know, but I'm trying to work towards this. Look, What I'm about to tell you going to sound crazy. You ready?
Detective Latoya: Try me.
Rod Williams: I believe they've been abducting black people... brainwashing them, making them work for them as sex slaves and shit. Sorry about the shit.
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Rod Williams: I mean, I told you not to go in that house.
Chris Washington: How you find me?
Rod Williams: I'm T.S... mother****in'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... ****in' handled.
Chris Washington: How you find me?
Rod Williams: I'm T.S... mother****in'-A. We handle shit. That's what we do. Consider this situation... ****in' handled.
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Rod Williams: I'm mad at you because you never take my advice.
Chris Washington: Like what?
Rod Williams: Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?
Chris Washington: Like what?
Rod Williams: Like don't go to a white girl's parents' house. What is she doin'? Lickin' your balls or somethin'?
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[Detective Latoya has brought in two other detectives to hear the story]
Rod Williams: Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]
Detective Latoya: Don't ever, ever say that I don't do nothing anymore. Oh white girls... they get you every time.
Rod Williams: Then he sent me some weird pictures... I'm like 'Oh man that's Andre Hayworth'... this dude been missing for 6 months. Right? So I do all my research you know cause as a TSA agent... you know, you guys are detectives, you know, I got the same training. We might know more than y'all sometimes, you know cause we are dealing with some terrorist shit, so... but that's a totally different story. So look I, I go do my... my detective work, right? And I start putting pieces together. And see this is what I came up with. They're probably abducting black people, brainwashing them and making them slaves. Or sex slaves. not just regular slaves, but sex slaves and shit. See? I don't know if it's the hypnosis that's making 'em slaves or what not, but all I know is they already got two brothas we know and there could be a whole bunch of brothas they got already. What's the next move?
[after a few seconds pause, the detectives look at each other and start laughing]
Detective Latoya: Don't ever, ever say that I don't do nothing anymore. Oh white girls... they get you every time.
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[about Rose and Chris hitting a deer on the way] You know what I say? I say one down, a couple hundred thousand to go. I don't mean to get on my high horse, but I'm telling you I do not like the ****ing deer, I'm sick of it, they're taking over, they're like rats, they're destroying the ecosystem. I see a dead deer on the side of the road and I think to myself 'That's a ****ing start.'
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Look, look Chris, tell me this okay? How can I get in shit trouble for patting down an old lady? It's a damn standard procedure. Gary just thinks that. If an elderly bitch is ****ing elderly, she can't hijack no mother****ing plane. [Chris laughs] See, wait, wait, now, I know you're ****ing laughing. I'm serious, come on man. The next 9/11 is going to be on some geriatric shit.