What on God's green earth are you doing?
A letter.
Looks more like a piecemeal ransom note. May I? "Dear Dolores"... D-E-A-R. [taps paper] This is an animal. "I'm meeting all the highly leading citizens of the town. People that use big words, all of them. But you know me, I get by. I'm a good bullshitter." Two Ts in bullshitter. "As I'm writing this letter, I'm eating potato chips, and I'm starting to get thirsty. I washed my socks and dried them on the TV. I should have... brung... the iron..." You know this is pathetic, right?

