Multiple Characters quotes
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Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
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Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.
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Bob Barker: Alright, Happy. Nice and easy... That was not nice and easy.
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Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.
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Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car, she's dead.
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car, she's dead.
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Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
[Happy pours fast food over the woman's head]
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!
[Happy pours fast food over the woman's head]
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!
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Mover #1: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club. Look at this stupid thing.
Mover #1: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover #1: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover #1: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover #1: That's unbelieveable.
Mover #2: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that! Ow!
Mover #1: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover #2: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club. Look at this stupid thing.
Mover #1: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover #1: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover #1: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover #1: That's unbelieveable.
Mover #2: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that! Ow!
Mover #1: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover #2: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.
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Chubbs: Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
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Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, my God!
Chubbs: Yeah. Tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, my God!
Chubbs: Yeah. Tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
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Happy Gilmore: [after hitting a hole-in-one] He shoots, he scores! Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.
Chubbs: Good plan.
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Virginia: Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a hole-in-one on a par four!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a hole-in-one on a par four!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.
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Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. What do ya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
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Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy: Why don't I just go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may! What do you say?
Happy: Why don't I just go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may! What do you say?
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Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn't break it, I was merely testing its durability, and I placed it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.
Happy Gilmore: I didn't break it, I was merely testing its durability, and I placed it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.
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Grandma: Sir, um, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.
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Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.
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Mr. Larson: Trying to reach the green from here Shooter?
Shooter: That's not possible, sir.
Mr. Larson: I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
Shooter: [turning around] Well that's good for Happy Gilmo-- (turns around and sees Mr. Larson) My God!
Shooter: That's not possible, sir.
Mr. Larson: I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
Shooter: [turning around] Well that's good for Happy Gilmo-- (turns around and sees Mr. Larson) My God!
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Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What's going on?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What's going on?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.
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Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
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Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
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Happy Gilmore: That guy's driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!
Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!
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Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face]
Happy Gilmore: You like that old man? You want a piece of me?!
Bob Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch!
[Bob chokes happy and punches him 3 times]
Bob Barker: I think you've had enough. No?
[Bob kicks Happy in the face]
Bob Barker: Now you've had enough, bitch!
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face]
Happy Gilmore: You like that old man? You want a piece of me?!
Bob Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch!
[Bob chokes happy and punches him 3 times]
Bob Barker: I think you've had enough. No?
[Bob kicks Happy in the face]
Bob Barker: Now you've had enough, bitch!
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Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.
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Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
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Chubbs: It's all in the hips, yeah, it's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
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Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams did have a beard.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams did have a beard.
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Mr. Larson: [after Shooter hits the ball off Mr. Larson's foot] That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.