Hercules (1997) quotes

View Quote "Fabulous party. Y'know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself."

View Quote "Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured. (Pain and Panic grab him) Ah! I've been captured! Hey, watch the glasses."

View Quote Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even-- [notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals] What are those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.
Hades: I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, [up in flames] ...and you... are wearing... HIS MERCHANDISE!?!?!
[suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking a Hercules drink, Panic then notices that Hades is angry]
Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades, entirely up in flames, screams; a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]

View Quote Hades: Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm--
Fates: (all at once) Late!
Fate 1 (Lachesis): We knew you would be.
Fate 2 (Clotho): We know everything!
Fate 1: Past.
Fate 2: Present!
Fate 3 (Atropos): And future. [elbows Panic] [whispering] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

View Quote Hades: Zeusy, I'm home!!
Zeus: Hades, you are behind THIS?!
Hades: You are correct, sir!

View Quote Hera: Hercules, oh...! [starts sobbing]
Zeus: (roaring) NO! [voice echoes]
(Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus)
[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]
Nessus: [looms over him] Step aside, two-legs.
Hercules: [awkwardly] Pardon me, my good, uh... sir, but I demand you release that young...
Meg: Keep moving, junior.
Hercules: ...lady. But... aren't you... a damsel in distress?
Meg: [struggling in Nessus' grip] I'm a damsel... Ugh! I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

View Quote Meg: Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules!
[Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]
Panic: Hercules... oh... why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I dunno... maybe we owe him money?
Hades: What... was that name... again?
Meg: Hercules.
Hades: [turns red with fury, then turns away, still red hot] OH!!!
Meg: [continuing seemingly without noticing Hades] He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.
Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to--?
(They both spot Hades reaching for them)
Both: OH, MY GODS!
Pain: Run for it!
Hades: (grabs them) So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?!
Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
Panic: Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... [Hades chokes him] very popular name nowadays!
Pain: "Remember like a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!"
Hades: I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel... who can louse it up... is waltzing around... IN THE WOODS! [literally explodes with rage]

View Quote Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.
Pain: You mean, if he finds out!
Panic: Of course he's gonna-- If... if is good.

View Quote The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: [excitedly] Yes! Hades rules!
The Fates: A word of caution to this tale...
Hades: [stops short] Excuse me?
The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[The Fates laugh, then disappear]
Hades: [his head goes fiery red with rage] WHAT?! [calmly] Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine.

View Quote Zeus: So, Hades! You finally made it! How's things in the underworld?
Hades: [sarcastically] Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloomy, and there's always-- Hey! Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do?

View Quote [Hades approaches the very spot where the Titans are imprisoned]
Hades: Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?!
Titans: ZEUS!!
Hades: [releases them] And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?!
Titans: [punch through the ground] DESTROY HIM!
Hades: Good answer.

View Quote [Phil just explained to Hercules that Meg is a traitor]
Phil: She's a fraud! She's been playing you for a sap!
Hercules: "Come on, Phil. Stop kidding around."
Phil: "I'm NOT kidding around!
Hercules: I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to--"
Phil: Kid, you're missing the point!
Hercules: "Point is: I LOVE her."
Phil: "She don't love YOU!"
Hercules: "You're crazy!"
Phil: "She's nothing but a two-timin'--"
Hercules: STOP IT!
Phil: --no good, LYIN, SCHEMING--
Hercules: [hits Phil] SHUT UP!!!
[Phil crashes into a pile of weights and chains potentially on the ground; Then he looks at him, on the verge of tears, then he gets up; Hercules is shocked of what he has done]
Hercules: Phil, I... I didn't mean... Oh, I'm- I'm sorry.
Phil: Okay. Okay. That's it. Won't face the truth? Fine.
Hercules: "Phil, wait. Where are you going?"
Phil: "I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home.
Hercules: "FINE! G-GO! I don't- I don't need you." [Starts lifting a heavy weight]
Phil: [stops and looks back] I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. [Hercules stops lifting] Not the all-time chump. [He leaves, and Hercules looks back at Phil with guilt]

View Quote [the Titans think they are on their way to Olympus]
Hades: Uh, guys? [the titans face Hades; points at Olympus] Olympus would be that way.
[the titans head off to Olympus]

View Quote [about Meg] She's a fraud!

View Quote [after Pegasus blows out his flaming hair] Whoa! Is my hair out?!