Jay quotes

View Quote Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.

View Quote I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this ****ing face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this ****ing face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the **** I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little **** [referring to Silent Bob], none of you little ****s out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little ****. Then I rub my nose with it.

View Quote In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.

View Quote All you mother****ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna **** your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax ****s who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then all you mother****s are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

View Quote Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!

View Quote Zoinks, yo!

View Quote I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some ****in titties floppin around, yeah!

View Quote Hey. Get the **** off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.

View Quote Holy ****, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the ****in' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey ****s'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!

View Quote [Trying to talk his way out of a drug bust] What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the ****ing stink nuggets!

View Quote Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

View Quote Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole ****ing lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What.

View Quote Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

View Quote [the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves] Yo. You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that. [pulls out a bag of rolled up joints] We call them Doobie Snax.

View Quote I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a ****in' cartoon. [the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]

View Quote [clears throat] And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know ****in' Jay and Silent Bob? The ****in' mack daddys of ****in' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that youse guys are a couple of little [emphatically to Silent Bob] ****holes!" [both laugh]

View Quote Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

View Quote Die, you super-monkey ****.

View Quote Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.

View Quote [after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".

View Quote [Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe] Just like Winnie the Pooh.

View Quote [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the ****. I must be the craftiest mother****er alive.

View Quote [singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey. [laughs] Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.

View Quote [singing outside the Stop N Go] I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls