Johnny English quotes

View Quote Bough: Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough: That was me, sir.
Johnny English: Oh, good.

View Quote Johnny English: [picks up a pen on the secretary's desk] This reminds me of the old service issue ballpoint. I remember every agent used to carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye but, click it twice... [clicks the pen twice and a missile shoots out of the pen and hits the secretary, who collapses]

View Quote Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?
Johnny English: I'm gonna sit in the flat.

View Quote Lorna Campbell: [watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him] You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
Johnny English: No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
[he chuckles, then notices Sauvage standing behind him]
Johnny English: Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage: Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell: Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage: Enchant?.
[Johnny stammers in embarrassment]
Pascal Sauvage: And of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.

View Quote Pegasus: Everything in order, English?
Johnny English: I think you'll find it's more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England. [a bomb detonates behind him]

View Quote Pegasus: It's an unmitigated disaster, English!
Johnny English: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus: Well we need to get these jewels back, and fast! Tell me about this assailant, because when they searched the building later, there was no sign of him.
Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English. Oh, this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
Johnny English: Well, he was... big.
Roger: Hair colour?
Johnny English: [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl] Orange.
Pegasus: Orange?!
Johnny English: And curly. Frizzy, actually. An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two I would say at the most, and a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.
Roger: Which cheek?
Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
[Pegasus shows him the likeness; it resembles a cross between a pirate and a clown]
Johnny English: AH! Oh, that's him. An uncanny resemblance.

View Quote [after landing on the wrong building, which happens to be a hospital, and taking the medical staff hostage]
Johnny English: Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
Doctor: What are you talking about?
Johnny English: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
[everyone looks out of the window; Jonny turns to see a giant SAUVAGE sign on the next building with Bough staring at him from the window]
Bough: [over com-link] Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?

View Quote [English has infiltrated a hospital, mistakingly believing it to be Sauvage's HQ]
Johnny English: My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man: They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English: Bas****.

View Quote [Johnny and Bough are in a dark tunnel]
Johnny English: It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough: How?
Johnny English: The Benodin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough: I see, sir. And?
Johnny English: The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough: Brilliant.
Johnny English: However, you must always sing in E-flat.
Johnny English: [singing] E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--
Bough: Is it working, sir?
Johnny English: Extremely well, thank you.
Johnny English: [singing] Thanks for all the joy that-- [Johnny hits the tunnel wall] Oh!

View Quote [the Archbishop prepares to coronate Sauvage]
Archbishop: I crown you--
[Johnny swings from the chandelier and forces Sauvage out of the seat, seconds before the Archbishop lowers the crown onto his head]
Archbishop: --King.
[the whole world watches, astonished by what has just happened]

View Quote A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.

View Quote Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.

View Quote Clearly, the aptly-named English is a fool.

View Quote Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming - look busy"?

View Quote Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.