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[Sal sits in an armchair, watching his warehouse be raided on the news.]
Sal Maggio: Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.
[Waffles, Louis' puppy growls]
Louis: Shh! Waffles!
Charlie: Sal, we can explain...
Sal Maggio: (cuts Charlie off) As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. You chose not to take the Maggio name; I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at interventions, did I?
Charlie: No, Salvatore, you didn't. In fact...
Sal Maggio: In fact, I happened to buy a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. [Gestures at the TV] $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you would be dead by now.
Charlie: Look, Sal, we know that you're upset.
Sal Maggio: It's not your fault.
Charlie: What?
Sal Maggio: A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. (To his men) Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.
Louis: Excuse me? Sal? You said he was a mouse, and he had chicken blood. So that would be mouse blood, not chicken blood. Right? [Sal looks at him annoyed; awkwardly] My bad, Sal. I'll be here if you need me.
Louis: Hey, what's in here, man?
[Louis opens the envelope and Frankie pinches Louis' ear unexpectedly]
Frankie Lombardo: You will not look in that envelope under any cir****stances, understood?
Louis: I can't hear you--
Frankie Lombardo:[shouts loud enough for Louis to hear him] UNDERSTOOD!?
Louis: [understands him better] Oh, yeah.
Louis: [sobbing hysterically]Charlie? CHARLIE!
Charlie: What?
Louis: The kangaroo got the money!
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Louis: I put the money in the jacket! And the jacket on the kangaroo! And now he hoppin' away!
Charlie: The kangaroo has the money?
Louis: Uh-huh.
Charlie: The kangaroo has Salvatore's $50,000?
Louis:...Yeah.
Charlie: WHO PUTS A JACKET ON A KANGAROO?!
Louis: A DEAD KANGAROO! HE WAS DEAD, CHARLIE!
[Blue, the pilot Louis and Charlie hired, crashed his biplane after being hit with a tranquilizer dart intended for Jackie Legs]
Charlie: Are you okay?
Louis: Yeah.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Louis: Yeah.
Charlie: Good. Because I am gonna beat you soft, Louis!
Louis: Like this is my fault?!
Charlie: First rule of aviation: You never shoot the pilot!
Blue: [Abruptly sitting up] Assume crash positions!
Louis: [Gesturing at the plane] Blue, we already crashed!
Blue: [Looking around] Oh. No worries then.
[In a dream Charlie is having]
Charlie: [sees Kangaroo Jack] It's you.
Kangaroo Jack: Yeah, it's me. Love the jacket Charlie. It's hard enough to fit my shoulders. Nice! How did you know red was my favorite color?
Charlie: You can talk!
Kangaroo Jack: And I can sing. [singing from "Rapper's Delight] I said a hip hop/Hippie to the hippie/The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it/To the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie/To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.
Charlie: This is great!
Kangaroo Jack: ... see I am Jackie Legs and I like to say, "Hello" / To the black to the white...
Charlie: Jackie? Mr. Legs, if you would find your way clear to give me back my money?
Kangaroo Jack: Money? Oh, you mean that money...
[A pack of kangaroo are messing around with the money]
Charlie: Stop that. Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please! If Sal finds out...
Sal Maggio: (as a kangaroo) If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?
Charlie: Sal?
Sal Maggio: I ask you to do something for me! This is not that!
Charlie: It wasn't my fault, it was Louis!
Louis: (as a kangaroo) Say what? My fault?! That's how you pay me back after I saved your life?!
Charlie: Louis?
Louis: Next time you drownin' in the ocean... CALL FREE WILLY! Let Willy set you free! You know what, Sal? You were right about him. Chicken blood!
Sal Maggio: Smell it on his father. Smell it on him. Chicken blood.
Kangaroo Jack: Oy! Chicken blood!
Kangaroo Jack, Louis, and Sal Maggio: [chanting] Chicken blood! Chicken blood! Chicken blood!
[Charlie wakes up]
Frankie Lombardo: [****s his pistol; points it at Charlie] This is from Sal Maggio. He's very disappointed in you, Charlie.
Charlie: Frankie! We got the money. We got it back! [Picks up the package] We got it!
Frankie Lombardo: [Shakes his head] You don't get it, do ya, Charlie? Sal's not disappointed because he cares about the money. He's disappointed because you two aren't dead! What do think he was payin' Smith 50 grand for?
Louis: You mean to tell me that we traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?
Frankie Lombardo: [Smiles grimly] Yeah. You two were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, eh?
Charlie: Not on our part.
Frankie Lombardo: [Prepares to shoot Charlie and Louis] Say good night.
Sal Maggio: Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.
[Waffles, Louis' puppy growls]
Louis: Shh! Waffles!
Charlie: Sal, we can explain...
Sal Maggio: (cuts Charlie off) As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. You chose not to take the Maggio name; I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at interventions, did I?
Charlie: No, Salvatore, you didn't. In fact...
Sal Maggio: In fact, I happened to buy a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. [Gestures at the TV] $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you would be dead by now.
Charlie: Look, Sal, we know that you're upset.
Sal Maggio: It's not your fault.
Charlie: What?
Sal Maggio: A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. (To his men) Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.
Louis: Excuse me? Sal? You said he was a mouse, and he had chicken blood. So that would be mouse blood, not chicken blood. Right? [Sal looks at him annoyed; awkwardly] My bad, Sal. I'll be here if you need me.
Louis: Hey, what's in here, man?
[Louis opens the envelope and Frankie pinches Louis' ear unexpectedly]
Frankie Lombardo: You will not look in that envelope under any cir****stances, understood?
Louis: I can't hear you--
Frankie Lombardo:[shouts loud enough for Louis to hear him] UNDERSTOOD!?
Louis: [understands him better] Oh, yeah.
Louis: [sobbing hysterically]Charlie? CHARLIE!
Charlie: What?
Louis: The kangaroo got the money!
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Louis: I put the money in the jacket! And the jacket on the kangaroo! And now he hoppin' away!
Charlie: The kangaroo has the money?
Louis: Uh-huh.
Charlie: The kangaroo has Salvatore's $50,000?
Louis:...Yeah.
Charlie: WHO PUTS A JACKET ON A KANGAROO?!
Louis: A DEAD KANGAROO! HE WAS DEAD, CHARLIE!
[Blue, the pilot Louis and Charlie hired, crashed his biplane after being hit with a tranquilizer dart intended for Jackie Legs]
Charlie: Are you okay?
Louis: Yeah.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Louis: Yeah.
Charlie: Good. Because I am gonna beat you soft, Louis!
Louis: Like this is my fault?!
Charlie: First rule of aviation: You never shoot the pilot!
Blue: [Abruptly sitting up] Assume crash positions!
Louis: [Gesturing at the plane] Blue, we already crashed!
Blue: [Looking around] Oh. No worries then.
[In a dream Charlie is having]
Charlie: [sees Kangaroo Jack] It's you.
Kangaroo Jack: Yeah, it's me. Love the jacket Charlie. It's hard enough to fit my shoulders. Nice! How did you know red was my favorite color?
Charlie: You can talk!
Kangaroo Jack: And I can sing. [singing from "Rapper's Delight] I said a hip hop/Hippie to the hippie/The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it/To the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie/To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.
Charlie: This is great!
Kangaroo Jack: ... see I am Jackie Legs and I like to say, "Hello" / To the black to the white...
Charlie: Jackie? Mr. Legs, if you would find your way clear to give me back my money?
Kangaroo Jack: Money? Oh, you mean that money...
[A pack of kangaroo are messing around with the money]
Charlie: Stop that. Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please! If Sal finds out...
Sal Maggio: (as a kangaroo) If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?
Charlie: Sal?
Sal Maggio: I ask you to do something for me! This is not that!
Charlie: It wasn't my fault, it was Louis!
Louis: (as a kangaroo) Say what? My fault?! That's how you pay me back after I saved your life?!
Charlie: Louis?
Louis: Next time you drownin' in the ocean... CALL FREE WILLY! Let Willy set you free! You know what, Sal? You were right about him. Chicken blood!
Sal Maggio: Smell it on his father. Smell it on him. Chicken blood.
Kangaroo Jack: Oy! Chicken blood!
Kangaroo Jack, Louis, and Sal Maggio: [chanting] Chicken blood! Chicken blood! Chicken blood!
[Charlie wakes up]
Frankie Lombardo: [****s his pistol; points it at Charlie] This is from Sal Maggio. He's very disappointed in you, Charlie.
Charlie: Frankie! We got the money. We got it back! [Picks up the package] We got it!
Frankie Lombardo: [Shakes his head] You don't get it, do ya, Charlie? Sal's not disappointed because he cares about the money. He's disappointed because you two aren't dead! What do think he was payin' Smith 50 grand for?
Louis: You mean to tell me that we traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?
Frankie Lombardo: [Smiles grimly] Yeah. You two were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, eh?
Charlie: Not on our part.
Frankie Lombardo: [Prepares to shoot Charlie and Louis] Say good night.
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[Louis keeps smashing the jeep into termite mounds] Be careful Louis! You almost missed one!
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[Witnessing Jackie Legs' "death" of being hit by Charlie and Louis' jeep] Oh god. I killed a kangaroo. I never saw it. It's such a beautiful animal. It's the national symbol of Australia, and I've killed it.
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Can you hold on a second? We're having a very intimate non-gay moment.
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I'm gonna name my first son after you. "Crazy-Ass White Boy".