The King of Comedy quotes

View Quote Secretary: Is Mr. Langford expecting you?
Pupkin: Yes, I don't think he is.

View Quote Woman: You're Jerry!! You know something? [She giggles] I undress in front of you every night and Larry here doesn't mind at all.
Larry: I can't get anything started with her until you're off the air. Your show is ruining my sex life, Jerry.
Langford: Well then, you'll just have to put on a better show than I do.

View Quote [on tape] Now, Jerry. Before I begin, I just want to thank you for listening to this material and for the opportunity that you've given me. You know, lots of people think that guys like you, you know, people who have made it, lose their feeling for struggling young talent such as myself. But now I know from experience that those people are just cynics, embittered by their own failure. I know, Jerry, that you're as human as the rest of us, if not more so.

View Quote [to Jerry] Jesus, they certainly don't give you very good protection, do they? Look at you here. Who the hell is watching you? Any one of these freaks could just walk right up to you and do whatever he wants.

View Quote [to Langford] I've got so much to tell you I just don't know what to begin with. Are you okay? [Langford mumbles, as he is bound and gagged] Good. Tell me if you're not. I guess you're wondering why I do stuff like this. I think it's because I'm a Leo, but my shrink says I'm pathologically rebellious and self-destructive. You don't think I'm self-destructive, do you? [Langford mumbles again] I knew you wouldn't. That's 'cause you're the only person in the world who really understands me.

View Quote [to Pupkin, about Langford] All of a sudden, with a gun on him, he wants to make up and be friends. And, once he's out the door, what happens then?

View Quote [to Rita, about Marilyn Monroe] She wasn't a great actress but she had a real gift for comedy. She died tragically, you know, alone, like so many of the world's most beautiful women. I'm going to see that doesn't happen to you, Rita.

View Quote [to Rita] You going to spend the rest of your life in that place? Is that what you really want, talking about nothing with nothings? I thought you wanted something a little better than that and that's what I'm offering. Every King needs a Queen, Rita. I want you to be mine. What do you say?

View Quote A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry couldn't make it this evening. Well, he's tied up -- and I'm the one who tied him. [laughter] You think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business -- by hijacking Jerry Langford. [laughter] I'm not kidding. Right now, Jerry Langford is strapped to a bedstead somewhere in the middle of this city. [laughter] Go ahead. Laugh. But the fact is ... I'm here. Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding and you'll think I was crazy. But I figured it this way: better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime!

View Quote This wasn't an easy decision for me, Jerry, believe me. For one thing, I knew it meant we could never be friends again and that hurt me It's hard to lose a friend, even one who has let you down. You always hope you can patch things up. You know, a guy like me doesn't make friends that easily. Why didn't you just listen to the tape when I asked you? Then I wouldn't have to be doing all this. Was it really too much to expect -- a few minutes of your time to listen to something I'd worked on my whole life?