View Quote
Benedict: I understand you are interested in drug dealers.
Jack: Yes.
Danny: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.
Jack: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?
Jack: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.
Benedict: Who's asking?
Jack: [shows police badge] The Tin Man.
Benedict: Well, Tin Man, suppose you hit the bricks.
Jack: Nah, they're the wrong color.
Benedict: Are they? Oh dear, by all means let's change them. Would arterial red suit you? [motions behind them, they turn to see guard dogs] Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained. [snaps fingers, the dogs form in a pyramid] I snap my fingers again and sometime tomorrow, you emerge from several canine recta. Or you and Toto can go back to the land of Oz. Questions?
Jack: Yeah... two of them. [casually lights cigar] Why am I wasting my time on a dimestore putz like you, when I could be doing something more dangerous... like rearranging my sock drawers? And two - how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?
[Benedict's guard dogs whimper]
Benedict: [pausing before revealing smiley-face glass eye] Have a nice day.
Jack: Yes.
Danny: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye.
Jack: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else?
Jack: Yeah, take off your sunglasses.
Benedict: Who's asking?
Jack: [shows police badge] The Tin Man.
Benedict: Well, Tin Man, suppose you hit the bricks.
Jack: Nah, they're the wrong color.
Benedict: Are they? Oh dear, by all means let's change them. Would arterial red suit you? [motions behind them, they turn to see guard dogs] Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained. [snaps fingers, the dogs form in a pyramid] I snap my fingers again and sometime tomorrow, you emerge from several canine recta. Or you and Toto can go back to the land of Oz. Questions?
Jack: Yeah... two of them. [casually lights cigar] Why am I wasting my time on a dimestore putz like you, when I could be doing something more dangerous... like rearranging my sock drawers? And two - how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs?
[Benedict's guard dogs whimper]
Benedict: [pausing before revealing smiley-face glass eye] Have a nice day.
View Quote
Danny: Wait. Where are you going?
Jack: I'll be back. Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny: That's what you always say.
Jack: I do.
Danny: Everybody keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kinda like...your calling card.
Jack: I'll be back. Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny: That's what you always say.
Jack: I do.
Danny: Everybody keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kinda like...your calling card.
View Quote
Ripper: Hey, Jack. What kept you?
Jack: Are you alright, Danny?
Danny: Yes, sir.
Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me. But I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.
Jack: [throws gun away] There, now it's between you and me. Let the boy go.
Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next.... You throw the gun away. Right, we did that part... [lays down axe] Then, you tell me to let the kid go... Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end? [tosses Danny off the building]
Jack: Are you alright, Danny?
Danny: Yes, sir.
Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me. But I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece.
Jack: [throws gun away] There, now it's between you and me. Let the boy go.
Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next.... You throw the gun away. Right, we did that part... [lays down axe] Then, you tell me to let the kid go... Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end? [tosses Danny off the building]
View Quote
Tough Asian Man: May I help you?
Jack: Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
Tough Asian Man: I beg your pardon?
Jack: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
[The Tough Asian Man closes the house door]
Jack: Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
Tough Asian Man: I beg your pardon?
Jack: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
[The Tough Asian Man closes the house door]
View Quote
[At school, Danny Madigan is daydreaming of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Hamlet; he is confronting Claudius about the death of his father]
Hamlet: [lights a cigar] Hey, Claudius....you killed my father. [picks Claudius up] Big mistake.
[He hurls him, screaming, through a window]
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! And, Hamlet is taking out the trash!
[Hamlet is shown killing people with skulls and swords]
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince!
Hamlet: Who said I'm fair? [produces a submachine gun and shoots him, plus several other soldiers]
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince goodnight!
Hamlet: To be, or not to be. [lights a cigar] Not to be.
[An explosion occurs behind him]
Hamlet: [lights a cigar] Hey, Claudius....you killed my father. [picks Claudius up] Big mistake.
[He hurls him, screaming, through a window]
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! And, Hamlet is taking out the trash!
[Hamlet is shown killing people with skulls and swords]
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince!
Hamlet: Who said I'm fair? [produces a submachine gun and shoots him, plus several other soldiers]
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince goodnight!
Hamlet: To be, or not to be. [lights a cigar] Not to be.
[An explosion occurs behind him]
View Quote
[Benedict has drawn his revolver on his own boss after Slater thwarts his plans again]
Vivaldi: What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend, now you turn a... [makes twirling motion with finger] 360 on me?!
Benedict: 180, you stupid spaghetti-slurping cretin! 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started.
Vivaldi: [confused] ...What?
Benedict: Trust me. [shoots Vivaldi]
Vivaldi: What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend, now you turn a... [makes twirling motion with finger] 360 on me?!
Benedict: 180, you stupid spaghetti-slurping cretin! 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started.
Vivaldi: [confused] ...What?
Benedict: Trust me. [shoots Vivaldi]
View Quote
[After shooting a pedestrian dead] HELLO!? I've just shot somebody and I did it on purpose!
View Quote
[Directly to the audience] If God were a villain - he'd be me.
View Quote
[To Danny Madigan] I should tell you that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.
View Quote
Gee, did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun!
View Quote
Hey, you want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres!
View Quote
Iced that guy...to cone a phrase.
View Quote
No sequel for you...
View Quote
Put a sock in it! I don't care who does what to your Hershey highway. And stop shouting, I'm not deaf! You know why you are shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes. And you know what else? I am the hero. SO SHUT UP!
View Quote
Silent but deadly.