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[as Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate]
Centurion: Hail Caesar!
Pontius Pilate: Hail.
Centurion: Only one survivor, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Ah. Thwow him to the floow.
Centurion: What, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Thwow him... to the floow.
[the lead centurion nods to the others who are carrying Brian, so they will throw him to the floor according to Pilate's orders]
Pontius Pilate: Now... What is youw name, Jew?
Brian: Brian, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Bwian, eh?
Brian: No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!
Pontius Pilate: Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Centurion: Has what, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Spiwit.
Centurion: Yes, he did, sir.
Pontius Pilate: [confused] No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...
Centurion: Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]
Pontius Pilate: So... You dawe to waid us?
Brian: To what, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
Centurion: [slaps Brian again; then, mocking Pilate's Rhotacism] Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?
Pontius Pilate: What?
Centurion: Thwow him to the floow again, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...
Brian: I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
Pontius Pilate: A Woman?
Brian: No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]
Pontius Pilate: So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian: He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]
Pontius Pilate: ...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!
Brian: Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]
Pontius Pilate: Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he...
Pontius Pilate: No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!

[ as Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate ] Centurion: Hail Caesar! Pontius Pilate: Hail. Centurion: Only one survivor, sir. Pontius Pilate: Ah. Thwow him to the floow . Centurion: What, sir? Pontius Pilate: Thwow him... to the floow . [ the lead centurion nods to the others who are carrying Brian, so they will throw him to the floor according to Pilate's orders ] Pontius Pilate: Now... What is youw name, Jew? Brian: Brian, sir. Pontius Pilate: Bwian , eh? Brian: No no, Brian . [ the lead centurion slaps him ] Ow! Pontius Pilate: Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit . Centurion: Has what, sir? Pontius Pilate: Spiwit . Centurion: Yes, he did, sir. Pontius Pilate: [ confused ] No no, spiwit 's, um... Bwavado ... A touch of dawing-do ... Centurion: Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [ Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian ] Pontius Pilate: So... You dawe to waid us? Brian: To what, sir? Pontius Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion , vewy woughly ! Centurion: [ slaps Brian again; then, mocking Pilate's Rhotacism ] Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow , sir? Pontius Pilate: What? Centurion: Thwow him to the floow again, sir? Pontius Pilate: Oh yes, thwow him to the floow , please. [ the centurions do so ] Now, Jewish wapscallion ... Brian: I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman. Pontius Pilate: A Woman ? Brian: No no, Roman . [ the lead centurion slaps him one more time ] Pontius Pilate: So! Youw fathew was a Woman . Who was he? Brian: He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons. Pontius Pilate: Weally ? What was his name? Brian: Naughtius Maximus. [ the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused ] Pontius Pilate: Centuwion , do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison ? Centurion: Well, no sir. Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy suwe . Have you checked? Centurion: Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [ someone snickers in the background ] Pontius Pilate: ...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus? Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir. Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [ one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him ] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that! Brian: Can I go now, sir? [ the lead centurion slaps him once more ] Pontius Pilate: Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [ the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore ] Wight ! Take him away! Centurion: Oh, sir, he... Pontius Pilate: No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week! Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you. [ leads the laughing centurion out ] Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy ! [ turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in ] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend ... [ Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh ] Biggus... Dickus? [ Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing ] What about you? Do you find it... wisible ... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [ the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian ] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [ the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining ] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [ the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud ] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy , webel , sniggewing behaviouw ! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds ! [ notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion ] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!