Muppet Treasure Island quotes

View Quote Mr. Arrow: Roll call? [Reads from list] Long John Silver?
Long John Silver: Aye aye, sir!
Mr. Arrow: Short Stack Stevens?
Short Stack Stevens: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: One-Eyed Jack?
One-Eyed Jack: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Black Eye Pete?
Black Eye Pete: Yeah.
Mr. Arrow: Walleyed Pike?
Walleyed Pike: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Polly Lobster?
Polly Lobster: [Whistles]
Mr. Arrow: Mad Monty?
Mad Monty: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Sweetums?
Sweetums: [From behind them] AYE.
[The captain and Mr. Arrow jump]
Mr. Arrow: ...Old Tom?
Old Tom: Aye aye.
Mr. Arrow: Real Old Tom?
[Puppet controls Real Old Tom]
Real Old Tom: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: Dead Tom.
[Same puppet controls a skeleton]
Dead Tom: Aye aye!!
[Captain Smollett whimpers]
Gonzo: Cool.
Mr. Arrow: Clueless Morgan?
Clueless Morgan: Huh?
Mr. Arrow: Headless Bill. Headless Bill. [Mr. Arrow leans to the side and sees a headless puppet saluting in acknowledgment]
Mr. Arrow: Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating O'Brien?
Big-Fat-Ugly-Bug-Face-Baby-Eating O'Brien: [A pretty woman walks into view] [With a deep voice] Aye.
Mr. Arrow: [Stands in aghast momentarily before reading off the final name] Angel Marie.
Angel Marie: [An ugly monster shows up] [With a deep voice] Aye, aye.
Captain Smollett: Hmm... hmm... Gentlemen, may I see you in my cabin? Immediately?
Captain Smollett: Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen! So, who hired 'em? [whimpers, sniffles] [Jim, Rizzo, Gonzo, and officers point at Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] Your finger hired the crew?
Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who lives in my finger hired the crew - Mr. Bimbo. What? [listens through finger] Ah. Yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of our excellent cook, Long John Silver.
[Smollett sighs back in his chair]
Captain Smollett: A cook, and a guy who lives in a bear's finger?
Trelawney: Exactly!
[Mr. Arrow faceplams]
Captain Smollett: I'm starting to worry about this voyage.
Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by the young pigs and sacrificed hideously before the piglets alter.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?
Gonzo: One leg, Dorothy. Count 'em, one.
Benjamina Gunn: Of all the backwater, no-class piles of sand in the ocean, you had to wash up on mine.
Captain Smollett: Benjamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Benjamina Gunn: Sorry? No, no sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the altar!
Captain Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet! My mother came all the way from France. I was wearing her white lace dress. The cake was filled with lemon custard!
Captain Smollett: Benjamina? Fate has brought us together again. Well, actually, buried treasure and pirates brought us together--
Benjamina Gunn: Don't you start with me about pirates! After you jilted me, I took up with this Bernie Flint. The man was totally co-dependent!
Captain Smollett: You and Captain Flint?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, he was a pirate, I was a lady. You know the story. Smollett? He marooned me! Me! (Benjamina Gunn sobbing)
Captain Smollett: Oh, this it all my fault? What have I done to you?
Benjamina Gunn: All right! Not Scarecrow! No one maroons me and gets away with it!
(Smollett is tickling Long John Silver, and has been able to cut off parts of his clothing during it; Smollett contently tickling while casually chuckling)
Long John Silver: I'm sorry.
Captain Smollett: Pardon? [Distracted, he loses his sword] Uh...I'm a frog. You know, slippery hands? [Long John Silver laughs and points his sword at Captain Smollett's throat] Erm... Y'know, I never really believed violence solved anything.
Long John Silver: Oh, really? Allow me to disagree with you, Captain.
Jim Hawkins: (Appears with sword) Kill Captain Smollett and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: (Also appears) Kill Jim and you'll have to kill me.
Trelawney: (Also appears) Kill Gonzo and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: (Also appears) Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.
(Jim Hawkins catches Long John Silver in the lifeboat)
Jim Hawkins: Long John?
Long John Silver: I suppose you'll be blowing the whistle on me now, won't you, Jim?
Jim Hawkins: I suppose I will. You have to return to Bristol to stand trial. (raises his whistle)
Long John Silver: Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. (Aims his pistol at him) I got a terrible fear of hanging. We're shipmates, aren't we, Jim? Gentlemen of fortune, together. Give us one more chance? (Jim does not drop his whistle, Long John lowers his pistol) Oh, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.
Jim Hawkins: I learned it from my friends, Mr Silver. Now take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again, ever.
Long John Silver: Oh, Jim? (He throws Jim Hawkins his compass and rows off) 'Tis a shame, really. We'd have made a great team, Jim
Benjamina Gunn: Well hello, Loooong John.

View Quote When you're not a professional pirate...

View Quote [To Gonzo] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose-nose!

View Quote Beware running with scissors, or any other pointy objects!

View Quote Beware, lads, beware!

View Quote He DIED? And this is supposed to be a kids movie!

View Quote Here they go again.

View Quote Sing it, lads! Show 'em you've been practicing!

View Quote The bar's closed.

View Quote There's not Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl.

View Quote Upstage lads, this is my only number!

View Quote Wherever the wind may take us!