Napoleon Dynamite quotes

View Quote Dave: Hey, Napoleon. I hear you're in a club for girls.
Napoleon: Shut up, I am not.
Dave: Yeah? Why are you in the Happy Hands Club then?
Napoleon: 'Cause I didn't have a freakin' choice. All the other sweet clubs were filled up. Gosh!

View Quote Deb: And here we have some boondoggle keychains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon: I already made, like, infinity of those at scout camp.
Deb: Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: [in the background] Your mom goes to college!
[Deb shoves the case into Napoleon's hands and runs away]

View Quote Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

View Quote Don: [playing kickball] Hey, Napoleon. Did you wet the bed last night?
Napoleon: Hey, Don. Did you take a dump in your bed last night?
Don: I could kick your butt, Napoleon, so I'd shut up.
Napoleon: Why don't you go tell your mom to shut up?
Don: What did you just say?
Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I wanna say!
Don: Did you just say something about my mom?
Napoleon: Maybe I did, maybe I didn't!
Don: Do you wanna die, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Yeah, right. Who's the only one here knows illegal ninja moves from the government?
Don: [steps up to Napoleon] Step up, Napoleon.
[Napoleon slaps him, then runs away.]

View Quote Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon: A frickin' twelve-gauge, what do you think?

View Quote Don: Vote for Summer.
Napoleon: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.
Don: Then who you gonna vote for?
Napoleon: I'm votin' for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think? [Don scoffs and starts to walk away]
Napoleon: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
[Don hands Napoleon a "Vote 4 Summer" button; Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, then runs away.]

View Quote Grandma: How was school today, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Worst day of my life, what do you think?

View Quote Kip: So how long are we talking about working?
Uncle Rico: What,are you already losing your steam?
Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?
Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3 or 4 hours maybe... maybe not...
Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.

View Quote Napoleon: [drinks a glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
Napoleon: Yessssss.
Napoleon: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
Napoleon: Yessssss.

View Quote Napoleon: [entering convenience store] Hey, how's it goin'? Those egg rolls are looking pretty good. I might get me some later, I don't have any money right now. You know, I think I'm just gonna get me one of them lotto tickets. My wife says I gotta stop but I'm just feeling real positive today and I wanted to try out my luck and —
Cashier: I think you'd better get back to class. I don't sell lotto tickets to minors.
Napoleon: I'm just gonna go get my ID. [bumps into cooler]
...
Napoleon: [outside, to Pedro] Gosh! They wouldn't sell me one. I don't look old enough. Dang!
Pedro: Do you think I look old enough?
...
Pedro: [in store] Un lotto ticket, por favor.
[the Cashier looks at Pedro's mustache, then sells him a ticket.]
...
Napoleon: [outside, scratching ticket] Yes! Three spuds! You picked a good one! That's ten dollars! Yes!

View Quote Napoleon: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
Pedro: That girl over there.
Napoleon: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Pedro: Build her a cake or something.

View Quote Napoleon: Are you guys are, like, Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hook-ups?
Cholo #1: Si món. [translates from Spanish to "Heck yeah"]

View Quote Napoleon: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Pedro: Why?
Napoleon: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon: No. Not unless she likes fish.

View Quote Napoleon: Do you ride the bus to school?
Pedro: No, I ride my bike.
Napoleon: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a Sledgehammer.
Napoleon: Dang! You got shocks... pegs... Lucky! You ever taken off any sweet jumps?

View Quote Napoleon: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon: Too bad. She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon: Maybe I will, GOSH!