The Other Guys quotes
44 total quotesDetective PK Highsmith
Detective Terry Hoitz
Narrator
Roger Wesley
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(while showing badge) Police shithead!
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(to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff) First things first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.
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Danson: (hanging on to the roof a speeding car) Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof?
Highsmith: I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.
Highsmith: I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.
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Ershon: You could let me go, and i'll give you ten million dollars each. It's not a bribe.
Gamble: Of course it's a bribe! You're offering to pay us money to not do our job.
Ershon: (shakes head) Not a bribe.
Gamble: Of course it's a bribe! You're offering to pay us money to not do our job.
Ershon: (shakes head) Not a bribe.
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Gamble: Excuse me, but you're under arrest, okay?
Ershon: What?
Gamble: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can be used, umm [to Hoitz] What's the next part?
Hoitz: As a floatation device.
Gamble: As a floatation device. You know what? That's very funny. I've never Miranda-ed anyone before.
Hoitz: Really?
Ershon: Are you guys for real? Am I being Punk'd?
Ershon: What?
Gamble: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can be used, umm [to Hoitz] What's the next part?
Hoitz: As a floatation device.
Gamble: As a floatation device. You know what? That's very funny. I've never Miranda-ed anyone before.
Hoitz: Really?
Ershon: Are you guys for real? Am I being Punk'd?
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Gamble: You're mad at us, huh, Gene?
Mauch: First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.
Mauch: Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?
Gamble: Sure.
Mauch: All right. Well, What did you do? What'd you do about it?
Gamble: The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.
Mauch: It's just "Captain." Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene." I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."
Mauch: First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.
Mauch: Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?
Gamble: Sure.
Mauch: All right. Well, What did you do? What'd you do about it?
Gamble: The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.
Mauch: It's just "Captain." Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene." I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."
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Highsmith: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin' partner?
Danson: Aim for the bushes? [Highsmith nods, they fist bump, then both jump to their deaths]
Danson: Aim for the bushes? [Highsmith nods, they fist bump, then both jump to their deaths]
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Hoitz: Alan, listen to me. Danson and Highsmith are gone. Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats. That someone is us, okay? This city's dying for a hero.
Gamble: Is it?
Hoitz: Yeah.
Gamble: What about nine million socially-conscious and unified citizens, all just stepping up and doing their part?
Hoitz: As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?
Gamble: I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school and made my bed. And at age 11, I audited my parents. And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Hoitz: What the hell are you?
Gamble: Is it?
Hoitz: Yeah.
Gamble: What about nine million socially-conscious and unified citizens, all just stepping up and doing their part?
Hoitz: As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?
Gamble: I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school and made my bed. And at age 11, I audited my parents. And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Hoitz: What the hell are you?
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Hoitz: Let's hear it from the top, every detail.
Ershon: I think the best way to tell this story is by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning; then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout. Just to, you know, give it a bit of dynamism . Otherwise it's just sort of a linear story (makes yawning gesture)
Gamble: Just tell us what happened!
Ershon: I lost a bunch of money for some people and now they want it back.
Ershon: I think the best way to tell this story is by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning; then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout. Just to, you know, give it a bit of dynamism . Otherwise it's just sort of a linear story (makes yawning gesture)
Gamble: Just tell us what happened!
Ershon: I lost a bunch of money for some people and now they want it back.
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Hoitz: Well, Christine, this is a lovely house.
Christinith: It's Christinith. Are you stupid or are you deaf?!
Hal: Christinith!! You idiot! You come to our house, you get my wife's name right!
Hoitz: What?
Hal: Christinith!!
Christinith: It's Christinith. Are you stupid or are you deaf?!
Hal: Christinith!! You idiot! You come to our house, you get my wife's name right!
Hoitz: What?
Hal: Christinith!!
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Hoitz: What the hell is this?
Gamble: It's my car. It's a Prius.
Hoitz: I literally feel like I'm driving around in a vagina.
Gamble: It's my car. It's a Prius.
Hoitz: I literally feel like I'm driving around in a vagina.
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Hoitz: You feel that, Allen? Huh? That tingling in your balls? Big metal butterflies fluttering around your stomach?
Gamble: Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?
Gamble: Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?
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Hoitz: You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives, and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back, but I stopped myself, because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.
Gamble: Wow, I actually appreciate that.
Hoitz: Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.
Gamble: No. You don't have to.
Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.
Gamble: Hmm.
Hoitz: If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Gamble: [pause] Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.
Hoitz: Yeah?
Gamble: And said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring...
Hoitz: How you gonna do that?
Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. [goes back to typing] Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope. [Hoitz throws Gamble's hot coffee on his shirt]
Gamble: Wow, I actually appreciate that.
Hoitz: Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.
Gamble: No. You don't have to.
Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.
Gamble: Hmm.
Hoitz: If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Gamble: [pause] Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.
Hoitz: Yeah?
Gamble: And said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring...
Hoitz: How you gonna do that?
Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. [goes back to typing] Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope. [Hoitz throws Gamble's hot coffee on his shirt]
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Sheila: Hi.
Gamble: Hi.
Sheila: You must be Terry. I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey, but this dinner was tricky.
Hoitz: Who are you?
Sheila: I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.
Hoitz: Come on, seriously. Who is that?
Sheila: His old lady.
Gamble: Sweetie, it's a workstation.
Sheila: Got it.
Gamble: And you come in here, dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.
Sheila: I know you're working. I'm so sorry.
Hoitz: Come on, seriously.
Gamble: Come on, what?
Hoitz: Who is that?
Gamble: That's the old... That's the old ball and chain.
Sheila: Get over here. [she tries to kiss him but he pulls away]
Gamble: Not... Not right now.
Sheila: Okay.
Gamble: Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?
Hoitz: Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?
Gamble: Hi.
Sheila: You must be Terry. I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey, but this dinner was tricky.
Hoitz: Who are you?
Sheila: I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.
Hoitz: Come on, seriously. Who is that?
Sheila: His old lady.
Gamble: Sweetie, it's a workstation.
Sheila: Got it.
Gamble: And you come in here, dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.
Sheila: I know you're working. I'm so sorry.
Hoitz: Come on, seriously.
Gamble: Come on, what?
Hoitz: Who is that?
Gamble: That's the old... That's the old ball and chain.
Sheila: Get over here. [she tries to kiss him but he pulls away]
Gamble: Not... Not right now.
Sheila: Okay.
Gamble: Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?
Hoitz: Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?