View Quote
Agent Thompson: Room is secure, Mr President.
President Harris: Or is it?
Agent Thompson: Sir?
President Thompson: I've been thinking, Thompson. What if the aliens could take over human bodies, they'd look just like us? Or almost?
Agent Thompson: I'd never thought of that, sir. We should be on the alert for anything suspicious.
President Harris: They can be anywhere. Even...
Agent Thompson: Right here. My God, we'd never see the attack coming. It's frightening, sir.
President Harris: Don't panic. [quietly] We'll just move slowly toward the exit.
President Harris: Or is it?
Agent Thompson: Sir?
President Thompson: I've been thinking, Thompson. What if the aliens could take over human bodies, they'd look just like us? Or almost?
Agent Thompson: I'd never thought of that, sir. We should be on the alert for anything suspicious.
President Harris: They can be anywhere. Even...
Agent Thompson: Right here. My God, we'd never see the attack coming. It's frightening, sir.
President Harris: Don't panic. [quietly] We'll just move slowly toward the exit.
View Quote
Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery!
Annie: (shouts) No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand. (dies)
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery!
Annie: (shouts) No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand. (dies)
View Quote
Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. (looks down at breasts) Aah! Oh, my God, turn it off!
Kate: It's not working!
Becca: It's backwards!
Kate: What do we do?
Becca: I don't know! Aaahhhh!
(the two run to the TV and shut it off.)
Kate: That was kind of scary.
Becca: I know something even scarier.
Kate: Ooh, what?
Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?
Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-
Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-
Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!
Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! (hits Kate with pillow)
Kate: Oh, yes I was! (hits Becca with chair)
Becca: You ho! (smashes glass vase on Kate's head)
Kate: You know it! (whacks Becca with closed laptop)
Kate: It's not working!
Becca: It's backwards!
Kate: What do we do?
Becca: I don't know! Aaahhhh!
(the two run to the TV and shut it off.)
Kate: That was kind of scary.
Becca: I know something even scarier.
Kate: Ooh, what?
Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?
Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-
Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-
Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!
Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! (hits Kate with pillow)
Kate: Oh, yes I was! (hits Becca with chair)
Becca: You ho! (smashes glass vase on Kate's head)
Kate: You know it! (whacks Becca with closed laptop)
View Quote
Cindy: All you need is a family...
George: And we can be that family.
(Tabitha turns into a little girl)
Tabitha: Thank you all. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again.
Cindy: Really?
(Tabitha turns back into a corpse)
Tabitha: Nah! I'm just screwing with you! (she raises a knife)
(President Harris opens the door and unknowingly hits Tabitha, causing her to fall in the well)
President Harris: I just wanted to tell you both, good luck, we're all counting on you.
George: And we can be that family.
(Tabitha turns into a little girl)
Tabitha: Thank you all. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again.
Cindy: Really?
(Tabitha turns back into a corpse)
Tabitha: Nah! I'm just screwing with you! (she raises a knife)
(President Harris opens the door and unknowingly hits Tabitha, causing her to fall in the well)
President Harris: I just wanted to tell you both, good luck, we're all counting on you.
View Quote
Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the videotape?
The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
Cindy: Sedulant? I, uh...
The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? What about... (holds up dictionary) contingent affirmation? That's gotta mean something.
The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.
Cindy: Sedulant? I, uh...
The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? What about... (holds up dictionary) contingent affirmation? That's gotta mean something.
View Quote
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?
Cindy: Fine.
Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
Cindy: Yeah.
Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
(Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again)
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)
Cindy: (gasps) No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
Cindy: Fine. (writes the message down) Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. (Cindy holds the paper up, which reads SEVEN DAYS) AAAAHHH!!
Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?
Cindy: Fine.
Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?
Cindy: Yeah.
Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?
Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.
Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.
(Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again)
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)
Cindy: (gasps) No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!
Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?
Cindy: Fine. (writes the message down) Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. (Cindy holds the paper up, which reads SEVEN DAYS) AAAAHHH!!
View Quote
CJ: Shit, my Aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.
Mahalik: For what?
CJ: Mice.
Mahalik: I thought she had rats?
CJ: No, rats are outside, mice are inside.
Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?
CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.
Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!
CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!
Mahalik: For what?
CJ: Mice.
Mahalik: I thought she had rats?
CJ: No, rats are outside, mice are inside.
Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?
CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.
Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!
CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!
View Quote
George: [At Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?
Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.
Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.
View Quote
Mahalik: You know Jamal, from 92nd Street? This morning, he woke up dead!
CJ: How in the hell do you wake up dead?
Mahalik: 'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.
CJ: You're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?
Mahalik: You can't go to bed dead! That shit would be redundant.
CJ: No, it wouldn't. 'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die but not be in a bed.
Mahalik: But you are in a bed, man. That's how you wake up dead in the first place, foo'!
CJ: Damn! That's some quantum shit right there, man!
CJ: How in the hell do you wake up dead?
Mahalik: 'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.
CJ: You're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?
Mahalik: You can't go to bed dead! That shit would be redundant.
CJ: No, it wouldn't. 'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die but not be in a bed.
Mahalik: But you are in a bed, man. That's how you wake up dead in the first place, foo'!
CJ: Damn! That's some quantum shit right there, man!
View Quote
President Harris: Isn't this great? Humans and aliens working together. We're one big, happy, intergalactic family.
George: Family. Huh. That's just what I've been running away from.
President Harris: Well, that's because you're an idiot.
George: Family. Huh. That's just what I've been running away from.
President Harris: Well, that's because you're an idiot.
View Quote
Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...
(Cindy types new text for the teleprompter)
Ross: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward: [Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard] Oh, no. [Rushes over to Cindy] Campbell, are you insane?!
Ross: It's a horrible fate.
Cindy: Carson, I have to do this!
[Ward shoves Cindy out of the way and types new text; Cindy comes back and the two begin fighting for control of the teleprompter keyboard.]
Ross: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
[The Janitor joins in, making it a three-way fight over the teleprompter's keyboard.]
Ross: O shizl gzngahr BBBBBTTTTTGGGGTGGGGTGGGG shzn blah hary % + 7, , 1 9 3 4 19 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 4 6 9
[The Janitor has won the fight for the keyboard. He smirks as he types, then leaves the studio.]
Ross: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', ****? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
(Cindy types new text for the teleprompter)
Ross: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.
Carson Ward: [Noticing Ross, and Cindy at the teleprompter keyboard] Oh, no. [Rushes over to Cindy] Campbell, are you insane?!
Ross: It's a horrible fate.
Cindy: Carson, I have to do this!
[Ward shoves Cindy out of the way and types new text; Cindy comes back and the two begin fighting for control of the teleprompter keyboard.]
Ross: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.
[The Janitor joins in, making it a three-way fight over the teleprompter's keyboard.]
Ross: O shizl gzngahr BBBBBTTTTTGGGGTGGGGTGGGG shzn blah hary % + 7, , 1 9 3 4 19 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 4 6 9
[The Janitor has won the fight for the keyboard. He smirks as he types, then leaves the studio.]
Ross: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', ****? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outie. Peace.
View Quote
Trooper Champlin: This... is your wife. (snaps a hot dog in half)
Tom: She broke her weiner?
Trooper Champlin: (sighs) Tom, look what happens to the taco. (breaks a taco in half)
Tom: I, I don't understand all this medical lingo. I wanna see Anne!
Trooper Champlin: Your wife is split in half.
Tom: (splitting a sub sandwich down the middle) You mean like, down the middle in half?
Trooper Champlin: (sighs) At the waist. That truck is the only thing keeping her alive.
Tom: You mean, this is the only time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin: Yes.
Tom: Well, let's just say this is her bottom half. (pulls out a donut) Can I spend a little time with that?
Trooper Champlin: I don't understand what you mean.
Tom: (now holding a hot dog) Okay, let me explain.
Trooper Champlin: Just go to her.
Tom: She broke her weiner?
Trooper Champlin: (sighs) Tom, look what happens to the taco. (breaks a taco in half)
Tom: I, I don't understand all this medical lingo. I wanna see Anne!
Trooper Champlin: Your wife is split in half.
Tom: (splitting a sub sandwich down the middle) You mean like, down the middle in half?
Trooper Champlin: (sighs) At the waist. That truck is the only thing keeping her alive.
Tom: You mean, this is the only time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin: Yes.
Tom: Well, let's just say this is her bottom half. (pulls out a donut) Can I spend a little time with that?
Trooper Champlin: I don't understand what you mean.
Tom: (now holding a hot dog) Okay, let me explain.
Trooper Champlin: Just go to her.
View Quote
(Cindy sees George unconscious on the table. He begins to wake up)
Cindy: George, what happened?
George: I don't know. Me and Cody were playing a fun game and... (looks down at gameboard) Yahtzee! (stands up and bangs his head on a shelf, then falls onto the table again)
Cindy: George, what happened?
George: I don't know. Me and Cody were playing a fun game and... (looks down at gameboard) Yahtzee! (stands up and bangs his head on a shelf, then falls onto the table again)
View Quote
(on the phone)
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: What?
Tabitha's Voice: (slightly more clear) Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: (perfectly audible) Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that. [Hangs up]
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: (indistinct) Seven days.
Cindy: What?
Tabitha's Voice: (slightly more clear) Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: (perfectly audible) Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that. [Hangs up]
View Quote
(Tom gets hit in the groin with a plank of wood)
Tom: Argh! My balls!
(George brings him two bowling balls, and hits him in the balls with them again)
Tom: No, not those... Jesus!
(George runs up with a plastic Jesus statue)
Tom: No!
Tom: Argh! My balls!
(George brings him two bowling balls, and hits him in the balls with them again)
Tom: No, not those... Jesus!
(George runs up with a plastic Jesus statue)
Tom: No!