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Filiba: He said, 'Good evening. I'm the doctor.' I said, 'Doctor?' He said, 'Yes, the doctor. I've come to see about your tonsils....
Hotel Manager: The representative of police would like to know if there is anything wrong with your tonsils, Monsieur Filiba?
Filiba: No...That's what I tried to tell him. Well, one word led to another. He was really a very charming fellow. We talked for about ten minutes...
Hotel Manager: What did you talk about, Monsieur Filiba?
Filiba: About tonsils.
Hotel Manager: Tonsille!
The Chorus of Police: Tonsille!
Filiba: So then I said to myself, all right, if he wants to look at them, let him look at them. There's no harm in that. Then he said, 'Say 'AH!' And so I said, 'Ah!' And that's all I remember. When I woke up, I still had my tonsils, but my pocketbook was gone.
Hotel Manager: The representative of police would like to know if there is anything wrong with your tonsils, Monsieur Filiba?
Filiba: No...That's what I tried to tell him. Well, one word led to another. He was really a very charming fellow. We talked for about ten minutes...
Hotel Manager: What did you talk about, Monsieur Filiba?
Filiba: About tonsils.
Hotel Manager: Tonsille!
The Chorus of Police: Tonsille!
Filiba: So then I said to myself, all right, if he wants to look at them, let him look at them. There's no harm in that. Then he said, 'Say 'AH!' And so I said, 'Ah!' And that's all I remember. When I woke up, I still had my tonsils, but my pocketbook was gone.
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Gaston/LaValle: In times like these when everything is uncertain, every conservative person should have a substantial part of his fortune within arm's reach.
Mme. Colet: Um, hmm. That sounds sensible. Hm, hmm. Yes. Very sensible. Very very clever.
Gaston/LaValle: Madame. I think you deserve a good scolding. First, you lose your bag.
Mme. Colet: Then I mislay my checkbook.
Gaston/LaValle: Then you use the wrong lipstick.
Mme. Colet: And how I handle my money.
Gaston/LaValle: It's disgraceful.
Mme. Colet: Tell me, Monsieur LaValle. What else is wrong?
Gaston/LaValle: Everything! Madame Colet, if I were your father, which fortunately I am not, and you made any attempt to handle your own business affairs, I would give you a good spanking - in a business way, of course.
Mme. Colet: What would you do if you were my secretary?
Gaston/LaValle: The same thing.
Mme. Colet: [She leans back provocatively and smiles sensuously.] You're hired.
Mme. Colet: Um, hmm. That sounds sensible. Hm, hmm. Yes. Very sensible. Very very clever.
Gaston/LaValle: Madame. I think you deserve a good scolding. First, you lose your bag.
Mme. Colet: Then I mislay my checkbook.
Gaston/LaValle: Then you use the wrong lipstick.
Mme. Colet: And how I handle my money.
Gaston/LaValle: It's disgraceful.
Mme. Colet: Tell me, Monsieur LaValle. What else is wrong?
Gaston/LaValle: Everything! Madame Colet, if I were your father, which fortunately I am not, and you made any attempt to handle your own business affairs, I would give you a good spanking - in a business way, of course.
Mme. Colet: What would you do if you were my secretary?
Gaston/LaValle: The same thing.
Mme. Colet: [She leans back provocatively and smiles sensuously.] You're hired.
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Gaston/LaValle: Jacques, dismiss the car, Madame is not going.
Jacques: Yes, Monsieur LaValle.
Mme. Colet: Jacques...don't dismiss the car. I'll be down in a few minutes...
Gaston/LaValle: I want you to stay, Mariette. You've got to stay. You can't go now.
Mme. Colet: I must go.
Gaston/LaValle: I'm crazy about you.
Mme. Colet: I know it.
Gaston/LaValle: I love you.
Mme. Colet: I believe you.
Gaston/LaValle: Then why do you want to go?
Mme. Colet: Because I want to make it tough for you.
Jacques: Yes, Monsieur LaValle.
Mme. Colet: Jacques...don't dismiss the car. I'll be down in a few minutes...
Gaston/LaValle: I want you to stay, Mariette. You've got to stay. You can't go now.
Mme. Colet: I must go.
Gaston/LaValle: I'm crazy about you.
Mme. Colet: I know it.
Gaston/LaValle: I love you.
Mme. Colet: I believe you.
Gaston/LaValle: Then why do you want to go?
Mme. Colet: Because I want to make it tough for you.
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Gaston: A lady as charming as you would and should get love letters.
Mme. Colet: Monsieur LaValle.
Gaston: But one suggestion. Not the Major. I don't mind his grammatical mistakes. I will overlook his bad punctuation. But the letter has no mystery. No bouquet. And one lipstick.
Mme. Colet: Monsieur LaValle.
Gaston: But one suggestion. Not the Major. I don't mind his grammatical mistakes. I will overlook his bad punctuation. But the letter has no mystery. No bouquet. And one lipstick.
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Gaston: Goodbye.
Mme. Colet: She extends her hand for a handshake.] Goodbye.
Gaston: You could have been marvelous.
Mme. Colet: Divine.
Gaston: Wonderful...But tomorrow morning, if you should wake out of your dreams and hear a knock, and the door opens, and there instead of a maid with a breakfast tray stands a policeman with a warrant, then you'll be glad you are alone.
Mme. Colet: But it could have been glorious.
Gaston: Lovely.
Mme. Colet: Divine...But that terrible policeman.
Gaston: Goodbye. [They kiss] Do you know what you're missing? [She nods] No. [He pulls her string of pearls from his coat pocket.] That's what you're missing. Your gift to her.
Mme. Colet: With the compliments of Colet and Companie.
Mme. Colet: She extends her hand for a handshake.] Goodbye.
Gaston: You could have been marvelous.
Mme. Colet: Divine.
Gaston: Wonderful...But tomorrow morning, if you should wake out of your dreams and hear a knock, and the door opens, and there instead of a maid with a breakfast tray stands a policeman with a warrant, then you'll be glad you are alone.
Mme. Colet: But it could have been glorious.
Gaston: Lovely.
Mme. Colet: Divine...But that terrible policeman.
Gaston: Goodbye. [They kiss] Do you know what you're missing? [She nods] No. [He pulls her string of pearls from his coat pocket.] That's what you're missing. Your gift to her.
Mme. Colet: With the compliments of Colet and Companie.
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Gaston: I see! You have to be in the Social Register to keep out of jail. But when a man starts at the bottom and works his way up, a self-made crook, then you say, 'Call the police! Put him behind bars! Lock him up!' Very well, Madame. I am Gaston Monescu. The police will be delighted to verify my identity. [He offers her the phone to report him, but she declines.]
Mme. Colet: Gaston, did you take the money?
Gaston: Yes.
Mme. Colet: You wanted a hundred thousand francs. And I thought you wanted me.
Gaston: I came here to rob you, but unfortunately I fell in love with you.
Mme. Colet: Gaston, did you take the money?
Gaston: Yes.
Mme. Colet: You wanted a hundred thousand francs. And I thought you wanted me.
Gaston: I came here to rob you, but unfortunately I fell in love with you.
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Gaston: It embarrasses you to offer me the 20,000 francs reward.
Mme. Colet: Yes.
Gaston: Don't be embarrassed. I'll take it. I need the money. I wish I were in a position to ignore the whole matter, but you know Madame, the stock market, a bank crash. To make a long story short, a member of the nouveaux poor.
Mme. Colet: Well, I'm glad I lost the bag. I'll write you a check immediately.
Mme. Colet: Yes.
Gaston: Don't be embarrassed. I'll take it. I need the money. I wish I were in a position to ignore the whole matter, but you know Madame, the stock market, a bank crash. To make a long story short, a member of the nouveaux poor.
Mme. Colet: Well, I'm glad I lost the bag. I'll write you a check immediately.
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Gaston: That's hotel life. In one room, a man loses his wallet, and in another room, a man loses his head.
Lily: Please! When I came here, it was for a little adventure, a little game which you play tonight and forget tomorrow. Something's changed me; and it isn't the champagne. Oh, the whole thing's so new to me. I have a confession to make to you. Baron, you are a crook. You robbed the gentleman in 253, 5, 7, and 9. May I have the salt?
Gaston: [as he passes the salt] Please.
Lily: Thank you.
Gaston: The pepper too?
Lily: No thank you.
Gaston: You're very welcome. Countess, believe me, before you left this room I would have told you everything. And let me say this with love in my heart. Countess, you are a thief. The wallet of the gentleman in 253, 5, 7, and 9 is in your possession. I knew it very well when you took it out of my pocket. In fact, you tickled me. But your embrace was so sweet.
Lily: Please! When I came here, it was for a little adventure, a little game which you play tonight and forget tomorrow. Something's changed me; and it isn't the champagne. Oh, the whole thing's so new to me. I have a confession to make to you. Baron, you are a crook. You robbed the gentleman in 253, 5, 7, and 9. May I have the salt?
Gaston: [as he passes the salt] Please.
Lily: Thank you.
Gaston: The pepper too?
Lily: No thank you.
Gaston: You're very welcome. Countess, believe me, before you left this room I would have told you everything. And let me say this with love in my heart. Countess, you are a thief. The wallet of the gentleman in 253, 5, 7, and 9 is in your possession. I knew it very well when you took it out of my pocket. In fact, you tickled me. But your embrace was so sweet.
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Gaston: You're talking like a child. You know exactly what we're here for and what it's all about.
Lily: This woman has more than jewelry.
Gaston: Oh!
Lily: Did you ever take a good look at her, uhm.
Gaston: Certainly.
Lily: They're all right, aren't they?
Gaston: Beautiful. What of it? Let me tell you something. As far as I'm concerned, her whole sex appeal is in that safe.
Lily: Oh, Gaston. Let's open it right now. Let's get away from here. I don't like this place.
Gaston: No, no, sweetheart. There's more sex appeal coming on the first of the month. It's only ten days - 850,000 francs.
Lily: Darling, remember. You are Gaston Monescu. You are a crook. I want you as a crook. I love you as a crook. I worship you as a crook. Steal, swindle, rob. Oh, but don't become one of those useless, good-for-nothing gigolos.
Lily: This woman has more than jewelry.
Gaston: Oh!
Lily: Did you ever take a good look at her, uhm.
Gaston: Certainly.
Lily: They're all right, aren't they?
Gaston: Beautiful. What of it? Let me tell you something. As far as I'm concerned, her whole sex appeal is in that safe.
Lily: Oh, Gaston. Let's open it right now. Let's get away from here. I don't like this place.
Gaston: No, no, sweetheart. There's more sex appeal coming on the first of the month. It's only ten days - 850,000 francs.
Lily: Darling, remember. You are Gaston Monescu. You are a crook. I want you as a crook. I love you as a crook. I worship you as a crook. Steal, swindle, rob. Oh, but don't become one of those useless, good-for-nothing gigolos.
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Jacques: The car is waiting, Madame.
Mme. Colet: I won't need the car. I'm not going.
Gaston/LaValle: Jacques...Madame has changed her mind. She'll be down in a minute...
Mme. Colet: But I told you I don't want to go.
Gaston/LaValle: But you have an engagement, and I don't want people to talk.
Mme. Colet: Talk, about me? About us?
Gaston/LaValle: Precisely.
Mme. Colet: Afraid I'm ruining your reputation, Monsieur LaValle?
Gaston/LaValle: No, yours Madame.
Mme. Colet: Monsieur LaValle, I have a confession to make to you. You like me. In fact, you're crazy about me. Otherwise, you wouldn't think about my reputation. Isn't that so? But incidently, I don't like you. I don't like you at all! And I wouldn't hesitate one instant to ruin your reputation - [She snaps her fingers] - like that!
Gaston/LaValle: You wouldn't?
Mme. Colet: No, I wouldn't!
Gaston/LaValle: [snapping his fingers] Like that?
Mme. Colet: [snapping her fingers again] Like that!
Gaston/LaValle: I know all your tricks.
Mme. Colet: And you're going to fall for them.
Gaston/LaValle: So you think you can get me?
Mme. Colet: Any minute I want.
Gaston/LaValle: You're conceited.
Mme. Colet: But attractive.
Gaston/LaValle: Now let me tell you...
Mme. Colet: Shut up - kiss me! [They kiss] Wasting all this marvelous time with arguments...[They kiss again)]
Mme. Colet: I won't need the car. I'm not going.
Gaston/LaValle: Jacques...Madame has changed her mind. She'll be down in a minute...
Mme. Colet: But I told you I don't want to go.
Gaston/LaValle: But you have an engagement, and I don't want people to talk.
Mme. Colet: Talk, about me? About us?
Gaston/LaValle: Precisely.
Mme. Colet: Afraid I'm ruining your reputation, Monsieur LaValle?
Gaston/LaValle: No, yours Madame.
Mme. Colet: Monsieur LaValle, I have a confession to make to you. You like me. In fact, you're crazy about me. Otherwise, you wouldn't think about my reputation. Isn't that so? But incidently, I don't like you. I don't like you at all! And I wouldn't hesitate one instant to ruin your reputation - [She snaps her fingers] - like that!
Gaston/LaValle: You wouldn't?
Mme. Colet: No, I wouldn't!
Gaston/LaValle: [snapping his fingers] Like that?
Mme. Colet: [snapping her fingers again] Like that!
Gaston/LaValle: I know all your tricks.
Mme. Colet: And you're going to fall for them.
Gaston/LaValle: So you think you can get me?
Mme. Colet: Any minute I want.
Gaston/LaValle: You're conceited.
Mme. Colet: But attractive.
Gaston/LaValle: Now let me tell you...
Mme. Colet: Shut up - kiss me! [They kiss] Wasting all this marvelous time with arguments...[They kiss again)]
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Lily: [about her appearance in his room] By tomorrow, it'll be Grand Canal gossip!
Gaston: Don't stop. Keep right on complaining. It's beautiful.
Lily: You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were an American.
Gaston: Thank you.
Lily: Someone from another world - so entirely different. Oh! One gets so tired of one's own class - princes and counts and dukes and kings! Everybody talking shop. Always trying to sell jewelry. Then I heard your name and found out you were just one of us.
Gaston: Disappointed?
Lily: No, proud. Very proud.
[He descends to her lips for a kiss]
Gaston: Don't stop. Keep right on complaining. It's beautiful.
Lily: You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were an American.
Gaston: Thank you.
Lily: Someone from another world - so entirely different. Oh! One gets so tired of one's own class - princes and counts and dukes and kings! Everybody talking shop. Always trying to sell jewelry. Then I heard your name and found out you were just one of us.
Gaston: Disappointed?
Lily: No, proud. Very proud.
[He descends to her lips for a kiss]
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Lily: Goodbye, Gaston darling.
Gaston: Goodbye, sweetheart.
Lily: Well, I'll leave you alone with that lady. But if you behave like a gentleman, I'll break your neck.
Gaston: Goodbye, sweetheart.
Lily: Well, I'll leave you alone with that lady. But if you behave like a gentleman, I'll break your neck.
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Lily: I like you, Baron.
Gaston: I'm crazy about you. By the way, your pin. [He returns her brooch pin - after appraising it.]
Lily: [after suddenly noticing she's missing it] Thank you, Baron.
Gaston: Not at all. There's one very good stone in it.
Lily: What time is it? [She allows him to search for his pocket watch before looking startled. She hands it to him from her purse - after resetting it.] It was five minutes slow but I regulated it for you. [He pockets the watch with a smile.]
Gaston: I hope you don't mind if I keep your garter. [She checks her leg, under the table, and then Gaston holds the garter up high and kisses it to prove his expertise.]
Lily: Darling! [excitedly, she rises and kisses him, flinging herself into his arms] Oh now, darling. Tell me, tell me all about yourself. Who are you?
Gaston: You remember the man who walked into the Bank of Constantinople, and walked out with the Bank of Constantinople?
Lily: Monescu.
Gaston: Gaston Monescu.
Lily: Gaston!
[they begin passionately kissing]
Gaston: I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you. I'm mad about you. My little shoplifter. My sweet little pickpocket. My darling.
Gaston: I'm crazy about you. By the way, your pin. [He returns her brooch pin - after appraising it.]
Lily: [after suddenly noticing she's missing it] Thank you, Baron.
Gaston: Not at all. There's one very good stone in it.
Lily: What time is it? [She allows him to search for his pocket watch before looking startled. She hands it to him from her purse - after resetting it.] It was five minutes slow but I regulated it for you. [He pockets the watch with a smile.]
Gaston: I hope you don't mind if I keep your garter. [She checks her leg, under the table, and then Gaston holds the garter up high and kisses it to prove his expertise.]
Lily: Darling! [excitedly, she rises and kisses him, flinging herself into his arms] Oh now, darling. Tell me, tell me all about yourself. Who are you?
Gaston: You remember the man who walked into the Bank of Constantinople, and walked out with the Bank of Constantinople?
Lily: Monescu.
Gaston: Gaston Monescu.
Lily: Gaston!
[they begin passionately kissing]
Gaston: I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you. I'm mad about you. My little shoplifter. My sweet little pickpocket. My darling.
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Lily: You see, Mother is dead.
Mme. Colet: Yes, that's the trouble with Mothers. First you get to like them, and then they die.
Mme. Colet: Yes, that's the trouble with Mothers. First you get to like them, and then they die.
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Major: No doubt about it. It's that secretary.
Filiba: Funny the kind of men women fall for.
Major: No color, no sparkle, but dependable.
Filiba: The type they marry.
Major: You know, I'm not the marrying type. I like to take my fun and leave it....
Filiba: You know, he's really not such a bad fellow.
Major: No, just dull.
Filiba: Insignificant. He's a secretary. He always was a secretary, always will be.
Major: That's funny, heh, heh. The first time I saw him, I thought he was a doctor.
[Filiba suddenly remembers]
Filiba: [to Mme. Colet] Tonsils! Positively tonsils!
Filiba: Funny the kind of men women fall for.
Major: No color, no sparkle, but dependable.
Filiba: The type they marry.
Major: You know, I'm not the marrying type. I like to take my fun and leave it....
Filiba: You know, he's really not such a bad fellow.
Major: No, just dull.
Filiba: Insignificant. He's a secretary. He always was a secretary, always will be.
Major: That's funny, heh, heh. The first time I saw him, I thought he was a doctor.
[Filiba suddenly remembers]
Filiba: [to Mme. Colet] Tonsils! Positively tonsils!