Multiple Characters quotes
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Old Man: I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum, in a restaurant, it was a Horn and Hardart Cafeteria, and this beautiful girl walked in - [he gestures toward his wife] - and I turned to Arthur and I said, "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her." And two weeks later we were married. And it's over fifty years later and we're still married.
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Man: A man came to me and said, 'I found nice girl for you. She lives in the next village, and she is ready for marriage.' We were not supposed to meet until the wedding. But I wanted to make sure, so I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree, watch her washing the clothes. I think, if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her. But she look really nice to me. So I said OK to the man, we get married. We are married for fifty-five years.
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Harry: Why don't you tell me the story of your life.
Sally: The story of my life?
Harry: We've got eighteen hours to kill before we hit New York.
Sally: The story of my life isn't even going to get us out of Chicago. I mean nothing's happened to me yet. That's why I'm going to New York.
Harry: So something can happen to you?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Like what?
Sally: Like I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter.
Harry: So you can write about things that happen to other people.
Sally: That's one way to look at it.
Harry: Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you lived out your whole life and nothing happens. You never meet anybody, you never become anything, and finally you die in one of those New York deaths which nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway.
Sally: The story of my life?
Harry: We've got eighteen hours to kill before we hit New York.
Sally: The story of my life isn't even going to get us out of Chicago. I mean nothing's happened to me yet. That's why I'm going to New York.
Harry: So something can happen to you?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Like what?
Sally: Like I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter.
Harry: So you can write about things that happen to other people.
Sally: That's one way to look at it.
Harry: Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you lived out your whole life and nothing happens. You never meet anybody, you never become anything, and finally you die in one of those New York deaths which nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway.
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Sally: Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
Harry: That's what drew her to me.
Sally: Your dark side?
Harry: Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dots their "i's" with little hearts.
Sally: I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Harry: Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
Sally: That doesn't mean you're deep or anything. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person...
Harry: So am I.
Sally: ...and I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.
Harry: Of course not. You're too busy being happy. Do you ever think about death?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Sure you do. A fleeting thought that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend hours, I spend days...
Sally: - and you think this makes you a better person?
Harry: Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not, that's all I'm saying.
Sally: And in the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.
Harry: That's what drew her to me.
Sally: Your dark side?
Harry: Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dots their "i's" with little hearts.
Sally: I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Harry: Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
Sally: That doesn't mean you're deep or anything. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person...
Harry: So am I.
Sally: ...and I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.
Harry: Of course not. You're too busy being happy. Do you ever think about death?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Sure you do. A fleeting thought that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend hours, I spend days...
Sally: - and you think this makes you a better person?
Harry: Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not, that's all I'm saying.
Sally: And in the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.
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Harry: [discussing Casablanca's Rick and Ilsa] He wants her to leave. That's why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don't think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don't.
Harry: You'd rather be in a passionless marriage -
Sally: - and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia -
Harry: - than live with the man... you've had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
Sally: I don't think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don't.
Harry: You'd rather be in a passionless marriage -
Sally: - and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia -
Harry: - than live with the man... you've had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
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Harry: Obviously, you haven't had great sex yet...
Sally: It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex... [diner customers all stare at Sally]
Harry: With whom did you have this great sex?
Sally: I'm not going to tell you that!
Harry: Fine. Don't tell me.
Sally: Shel Gordon.
Harry: Shel. Sheldon? No, no. You did not have great sex with Sheldon.
Sally: I did too.
Harry: No, you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man, but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me, Sheldon.' 'You're an animal, Sheldon.' 'Ride me, big Sheldon.' It doesn't work.
Sally: It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex... [diner customers all stare at Sally]
Harry: With whom did you have this great sex?
Sally: I'm not going to tell you that!
Harry: Fine. Don't tell me.
Sally: Shel Gordon.
Harry: Shel. Sheldon? No, no. You did not have great sex with Sheldon.
Sally: I did too.
Harry: No, you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man, but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me, Sheldon.' 'You're an animal, Sheldon.' 'Ride me, big Sheldon.' It doesn't work.
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Waitress: What can I get you?
Harry: I'll have the Number Three.
Sally: I'd like the chef salad, please, with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie a la mode....But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side. And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real. If it's out of a can, then nothing.
Waitress: Not even the pie?
Sally: No, just the pie. But then not heated.
Waitress: Uh-huh.
Harry: I'll have the Number Three.
Sally: I'd like the chef salad, please, with the oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie a la mode....But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side. And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real. If it's out of a can, then nothing.
Waitress: Not even the pie?
Sally: No, just the pie. But then not heated.
Waitress: Uh-huh.
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Harry: So how come you broke up with Sheldon?
Sally: How do you know we broke up?
Harry: Because if you didn't break up, you wouldn't be with me, you'd be off with Sheldon the Wonder Schlong.
Sally: First of all, I am not with you. And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.
Harry: You're right, you're right. I don't want to know.
Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous and I had these Days of the Week underpants.
Harry: [He makes a loud buzzer sound] I'm sorry. I need a judge's ruling on this. Days of the Week underpants?
Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny - and then one day, Sheldon says to me, 'You never wear Sunday.' He's all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry: What?
Sally: They don't make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God.
Sally: How do you know we broke up?
Harry: Because if you didn't break up, you wouldn't be with me, you'd be off with Sheldon the Wonder Schlong.
Sally: First of all, I am not with you. And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.
Harry: You're right, you're right. I don't want to know.
Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous and I had these Days of the Week underpants.
Harry: [He makes a loud buzzer sound] I'm sorry. I need a judge's ruling on this. Days of the Week underpants?
Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny - and then one day, Sheldon says to me, 'You never wear Sunday.' He's all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry: What?
Sally: They don't make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God.
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Harry: What? Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on? All right, all right. Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on. What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back.
Sally: You can't take it back.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because it's already out there.
Harry: Oh jeez. What are we supposed to do? Call the cops? It's already out there!
Sally: Just let it lie, OK?
Harry: Great! Let it lie. That's my policy. That's what I always say. Let it lie. Want to spend the night in a motel? You see what I did? I didn't let it lie.
Sally: Harry -
Harry: I said I would and I didn't...I went the other way...What?
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing.
Sally: You can't take it back.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because it's already out there.
Harry: Oh jeez. What are we supposed to do? Call the cops? It's already out there!
Sally: Just let it lie, OK?
Harry: Great! Let it lie. That's my policy. That's what I always say. Let it lie. Want to spend the night in a motel? You see what I did? I didn't let it lie.
Sally: Harry -
Harry: I said I would and I didn't...I went the other way...What?
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing.
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Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
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Woman: We fell in love in high school.
Man: Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.
Woman: But then after our junior year, his parents moved away.
Man: But I never forgot her.
Woman: He never forgot me.
Man: No, her face was burned on my brain. And it was thirty-four years later that I was walking down Broadway and I saw her come out of Toffinetti's.
Woman: And we both looked at each other, and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.
Man: She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.
Woman: He was just the same. He looked exactly the same.
Man: Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.
Woman: But then after our junior year, his parents moved away.
Man: But I never forgot her.
Woman: He never forgot me.
Man: No, her face was burned on my brain. And it was thirty-four years later that I was walking down Broadway and I saw her come out of Toffinetti's.
Woman: And we both looked at each other, and it was just as though not a single day had gone by.
Man: She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.
Woman: He was just the same. He looked exactly the same.
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Sally: Thank God he couldn't place me, I drove from college to New York with him five years ago and it was the longest night of my life.
Joe: What happened?
Sally: He made a pass at me and when I said no - he was going with a girlfriend of mine uh... Oh God I can't even remember her name! Don't get involved with me Joe I am twenty six years old and I can't even remember the name of the girl I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.
Joe: So what happened?
Sally: When?
Joe: When... when he made a pass at you and you said no and...
Sally: Oh, oh. I said we could just be friends. And this part I can remember he said that men and women could never really be friends. Do you think that's true?
Joe: No.
Sally: Do you have any women friends, just friends?
Joe: No. But I will get one if it is important to you.
Joe: What happened?
Sally: He made a pass at me and when I said no - he was going with a girlfriend of mine uh... Oh God I can't even remember her name! Don't get involved with me Joe I am twenty six years old and I can't even remember the name of the girl I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.
Joe: So what happened?
Sally: When?
Joe: When... when he made a pass at you and you said no and...
Sally: Oh, oh. I said we could just be friends. And this part I can remember he said that men and women could never really be friends. Do you think that's true?
Joe: No.
Sally: Do you have any women friends, just friends?
Joe: No. But I will get one if it is important to you.
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Harry: You were a good friend of umm...
Sally: Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name.
Harry: What do you mean? I remember, Amanda right? Amanda Rice.
Sally: Reese.
Harry: Reese, right! That's what I said! What ever happened to her?
Sally: I have no idea.
Harry: You have no idea? You were really good friends with her. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.
Sally: You went with her!
Harry: And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend that you don't even keep in touch with?
Sally: Harry, you might not believe this but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Harry: Fair enough. Fair enough.
Sally: Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name.
Harry: What do you mean? I remember, Amanda right? Amanda Rice.
Sally: Reese.
Harry: Reese, right! That's what I said! What ever happened to her?
Sally: I have no idea.
Harry: You have no idea? You were really good friends with her. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.
Sally: You went with her!
Harry: And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend that you don't even keep in touch with?
Sally: Harry, you might not believe this but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Harry: Fair enough. Fair enough.
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Harry: You were going to be a gymnast.
Sally: A journalist.
Harry: Right, that's what I said. And?
Sally: I am a journalist, I work at The News.
Harry: Great! And you're with Joe. Well that's great, great. You're together, what, three weeks?
Sally: A month, how did you know that?
Harry: You take someone to the airport it's clearly the beginning of a relationship. That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
Sally: Why?
Harry: Because eventually if things move on and you don't take someone to the airport, and I never wanted anyone to say to me, "How come you never take me to the airport anymore?"
Sally: It's amazing, you look like a normal person but actually you are the Angel of Death.
Sally: A journalist.
Harry: Right, that's what I said. And?
Sally: I am a journalist, I work at The News.
Harry: Great! And you're with Joe. Well that's great, great. You're together, what, three weeks?
Sally: A month, how did you know that?
Harry: You take someone to the airport it's clearly the beginning of a relationship. That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
Sally: Why?
Harry: Because eventually if things move on and you don't take someone to the airport, and I never wanted anyone to say to me, "How come you never take me to the airport anymore?"
Sally: It's amazing, you look like a normal person but actually you are the Angel of Death.
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Harry: You know you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.
Sally: What "whole thing"?
Harry: The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite, go back to her place, you have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home. Is thirty seconds enough?
Sally: That's what you're thinking? Is that true?
Harry: Sure! All men think that. How long do you want to be held afterwards? All night, right? See there's your problem, somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem.
Sally: I don't have a problem!
Harry: Yeah you do.
Sally: What "whole thing"?
Harry: The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite, go back to her place, you have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home. Is thirty seconds enough?
Sally: That's what you're thinking? Is that true?
Harry: Sure! All men think that. How long do you want to be held afterwards? All night, right? See there's your problem, somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem.
Sally: I don't have a problem!
Harry: Yeah you do.
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Harry: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No, no, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no, no, it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.
Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No, no, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no, no, it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.
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Man: We were married forty years ago. We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Margerie.
Woman: But first you lived with Barbara.
Man: Right, Barbara. But I didn't marry Barbara I married Margerie.
Woman: Then he got a divorce.
Man: Right, then I married Kitty.
Woman: Another divorce.
Man: Then a couple of years later at Atticalicio's funeral, I ran into her. I was with some girl I don't even remember.
Woman: Roberta.
Man: Right, Roberta. But I couldn't take my eyes off you. I remember I snuck over to her and I said... What did I say?
Woman: You said, "What are you doing after?"
Man: Right. So I ditched Roberta, we go for a coffee, a month later we were married.
Woman: Thirty five years today after our first marriage.
Woman: But first you lived with Barbara.
Man: Right, Barbara. But I didn't marry Barbara I married Margerie.
Woman: Then he got a divorce.
Man: Right, then I married Kitty.
Woman: Another divorce.
Man: Then a couple of years later at Atticalicio's funeral, I ran into her. I was with some girl I don't even remember.
Woman: Roberta.
Man: Right, Roberta. But I couldn't take my eyes off you. I remember I snuck over to her and I said... What did I say?
Woman: You said, "What are you doing after?"
Man: Right. So I ditched Roberta, we go for a coffee, a month later we were married.
Woman: Thirty five years today after our first marriage.
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Sally: Joe and I broke up.
Alice: What?
Marie: When?
Sally: Monday.
Alice: You waited three days to tell us?
Marie: You mean Joe's available?
Alice: Oh for God's sakes Marie don't you have any feelings about this? She's obviously upset.
Sally: I'm not that upset, we've been growing apart for quite a while.
Marie: But you guys were a couple, you had someone to go places with, you had a date on national holidays.
Sally: I said to myself, "You deserve more than this, you're thirty one years old..."
Marie: And the clock is ticking.
Sally: No, the clock doesn't really start to tick until you're thirty six.
Alice: God you're in such great shape.
Sally: Well, I've had a few days to get use to it, and uh...I feel OK.
Marie: Good. Then you're ready. [takes out a rolodex]
Alice: What?
Marie: When?
Sally: Monday.
Alice: You waited three days to tell us?
Marie: You mean Joe's available?
Alice: Oh for God's sakes Marie don't you have any feelings about this? She's obviously upset.
Sally: I'm not that upset, we've been growing apart for quite a while.
Marie: But you guys were a couple, you had someone to go places with, you had a date on national holidays.
Sally: I said to myself, "You deserve more than this, you're thirty one years old..."
Marie: And the clock is ticking.
Sally: No, the clock doesn't really start to tick until you're thirty six.
Alice: God you're in such great shape.
Sally: Well, I've had a few days to get use to it, and uh...I feel OK.
Marie: Good. Then you're ready. [takes out a rolodex]
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Sally: Look, there is no point in my going out with someone I might really like if I met him at the right time, but who right now has no chance of being anything to me but a transitional man.
Marie: OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened to David Walsaw? His wife left him and everyone said, "Give him some time, don't move in too fast." Six months later he was dead.
Sally: What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he's about to die?
Alice: At least you could say you were married.
Marie: I'm saying, that the right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don't grab him someone else will and you'll have spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.
Marie: OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened to David Walsaw? His wife left him and everyone said, "Give him some time, don't move in too fast." Six months later he was dead.
Sally: What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he's about to die?
Alice: At least you could say you were married.
Marie: I'm saying, that the right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don't grab him someone else will and you'll have spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.
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Harry: Helen comes home from and she said, "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." Like it's the institution, you know, like it's nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about... in a casual way. I'm calm, I say, "Why don't we take some time to think about it, you know, don't rush into anything."
Jess: Yeah, right.
Harry: Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you, which is what I'm saying to you, that's when it occurs to me that maybe...she doesn't. So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" You know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you."
Jess: Ooo that's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away.
Harry: Thanks Jess.
Jess: No, I'm a writer, I know dialogue and that's particularly harsh.
Harry: Then she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America and she can sub-let his apartment. I can't believe this, and the doorbell rings, 'I can sub-let his apartment', the words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth.
Jess: Like in the cartoon.
Harry: Right. So I go to the door, and there were moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, "Helen when did you call these movers?", and she doesn't say anything. So I asked the movers, "When did this woman book you for this gig?". And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them was wearing a T-shirt that says, "Don't **** with Mr. Zero." So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?". She says, "A week ago." I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?". And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday."
Jess: You're say Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
Harry: Mr. Zero knew.
Jess: I can't believe this!
Harry: I haven't told you the worst part yet.
Jess: What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?
Harry: It's all a lie. She's in love with somebody else, some tax attorney. She moved in with him.
Jess: How did you find out?
Harry: I followed her, I stood outside the building.
Jess: That's so humiliating.
Harry: Tell me about it. And do you know I knew? I knew the whole time that even though we were happy it was just an illusion and that one day she will kick the shit out of me.
Jess: Marriages don't break up on a count of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry: Oh really? Well that symptom is ****ing my wife.
Jess: Yeah, right.
Harry: Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you, which is what I'm saying to you, that's when it occurs to me that maybe...she doesn't. So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" You know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you."
Jess: Ooo that's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away.
Harry: Thanks Jess.
Jess: No, I'm a writer, I know dialogue and that's particularly harsh.
Harry: Then she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America and she can sub-let his apartment. I can't believe this, and the doorbell rings, 'I can sub-let his apartment', the words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth.
Jess: Like in the cartoon.
Harry: Right. So I go to the door, and there were moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, "Helen when did you call these movers?", and she doesn't say anything. So I asked the movers, "When did this woman book you for this gig?". And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them was wearing a T-shirt that says, "Don't **** with Mr. Zero." So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?". She says, "A week ago." I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?". And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday."
Jess: You're say Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
Harry: Mr. Zero knew.
Jess: I can't believe this!
Harry: I haven't told you the worst part yet.
Jess: What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?
Harry: It's all a lie. She's in love with somebody else, some tax attorney. She moved in with him.
Jess: How did you find out?
Harry: I followed her, I stood outside the building.
Jess: That's so humiliating.
Harry: Tell me about it. And do you know I knew? I knew the whole time that even though we were happy it was just an illusion and that one day she will kick the shit out of me.
Jess: Marriages don't break up on a count of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry: Oh really? Well that symptom is ****ing my wife.
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Sally: When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids — and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice — and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" — I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post — and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
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Sally: At least I got the apartment.
Harry: That's what everybody says to me too. But really what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is, you read the obituary column. Yeah, you find out who died, and go to the building and then you tip the doorman. What they can do to make it easier is to combine the obituaries with the real estate section. Say, then you'd have Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace.
Harry: That's what everybody says to me too. But really what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is, you read the obituary column. Yeah, you find out who died, and go to the building and then you tip the doorman. What they can do to make it easier is to combine the obituaries with the real estate section. Say, then you'd have Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace.
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Harry: You know the first time I met I really didn't like you that much.
Sally: I didn't like you.
Harry: Yeah you did, you were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.
Sally: You know I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a complement but really it's an insult.
Harry: OK, you're still as hard as nails.
Sally: I just didn't want to sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you.
Harry: What's the statute of limitation on apologies?
Sally: Ten years.
Harry: Ooo, I can just get it in under the wire.
Sally: Would you like to have dinner with me some time?
Harry: Are we becoming friends now?
Sally: Well... [Pause] yeah.
Harry: Great! A woman friend... You know you may be the first attractive woman I have not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
Sally: That's wonderful Harry.
Sally: I didn't like you.
Harry: Yeah you did, you were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.
Sally: You know I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a complement but really it's an insult.
Harry: OK, you're still as hard as nails.
Sally: I just didn't want to sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you.
Harry: What's the statute of limitation on apologies?
Sally: Ten years.
Harry: Ooo, I can just get it in under the wire.
Sally: Would you like to have dinner with me some time?
Harry: Are we becoming friends now?
Sally: Well... [Pause] yeah.
Harry: Great! A woman friend... You know you may be the first attractive woman I have not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
Sally: That's wonderful Harry.
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Harry: Please, to repeat after me. Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
Sally: Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
Harry: But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Pepper.
Sally: Pepper.
Harry: Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
Sally: Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
Harry: But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.
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Man: We were both born in the same hospital.
Woman: Nineteen twenty one.
Man: Seven days apart.
Woman: In the same hospital.
Man: We both grew up one block away from each other.
Woman: We both lived in tenements.
Man: On the lower east side.
Woman: On Delancey Street.
Man: My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten.
Woman: He lived on Fordham Road.
Man: Hers moved when she was eleven.
Woman: I lived on a hundred and eighty third Street.
Man: For six years she worked on the fifteenth floor as a nurse where I had a practice on the fourteenth floor in the very same building.
Woman: I worked for a very prominent neurologist. We never met.
Man: Never met.
Woman: Can you imagine that?
Man: You know where we met? In an elevator. In the Ambassador Hotel, in Chicago, Illinois.
Woman: I was visiting family. He was on the third floor I was on the twelve.
Man: I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.
Woman: Nine extra floors.
Woman: Nineteen twenty one.
Man: Seven days apart.
Woman: In the same hospital.
Man: We both grew up one block away from each other.
Woman: We both lived in tenements.
Man: On the lower east side.
Woman: On Delancey Street.
Man: My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten.
Woman: He lived on Fordham Road.
Man: Hers moved when she was eleven.
Woman: I lived on a hundred and eighty third Street.
Man: For six years she worked on the fifteenth floor as a nurse where I had a practice on the fourteenth floor in the very same building.
Woman: I worked for a very prominent neurologist. We never met.
Man: Never met.
Woman: Can you imagine that?
Man: You know where we met? In an elevator. In the Ambassador Hotel, in Chicago, Illinois.
Woman: I was visiting family. He was on the third floor I was on the twelve.
Man: I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.
Woman: Nine extra floors.
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Harry: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally: And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?
Harry: An L.M. Definitely.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sally: I don't see that.
Harry: You don't see that? "Waiter, I'll begin with the house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side, and then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side." 'On the side' is a very big thing for you.
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry: I know, high maintenance.
Sally: And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?
Harry: An L.M. Definitely.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sally: I don't see that.
Harry: You don't see that? "Waiter, I'll begin with the house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side, and then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side." 'On the side' is a very big thing for you.
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry: I know, high maintenance.
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Harry: I had my dream again, where I'm making love and the Olympic judges are watching. I've nailed the compulsories so this is it, the finals. I got a nine eight from the Canadian, a perfect ten from the American, and my mother disguised as a East German judge gave me a five six. Must've been the dismount.
Sally: Well, basically it's the same one I've been having since I was twelve.
Harry: What happens?
Sally: It's too embarrassing.
Harry: Don't tell me.
Sally: Okay, there's this guy...
Harry: What does he look like?
Sally: I don't know, he's just kind of faceless.
Harry: Faceless guy, okay. Then what?
Sally: He rips off my clothes.
Harry: Then what happens?
Sally: That's it.
Harry: That's it? The faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve? Exactly the same.
Sally: Well sometimes I vary it a little.
Harry: Which part?
Sally: What I'm wearing.
Sally: Well, basically it's the same one I've been having since I was twelve.
Harry: What happens?
Sally: It's too embarrassing.
Harry: Don't tell me.
Sally: Okay, there's this guy...
Harry: What does he look like?
Sally: I don't know, he's just kind of faceless.
Harry: Faceless guy, okay. Then what?
Sally: He rips off my clothes.
Harry: Then what happens?
Sally: That's it.
Harry: That's it? The faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve? Exactly the same.
Sally: Well sometimes I vary it a little.
Harry: Which part?
Sally: What I'm wearing.
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Harry: It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.
Sally: Oh...The first day back is always the toughest Harry.
Harry: We only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?
Sally: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner having him reaching over pull a hair out of my head and starts flossing with it at the table?
Harry: We're talking dream dates compared to my horror. It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."
[Sally laughs]
Harry: Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile. So I down shift into small talk, and I asked her where she went to school and she said. "Michigan State", and this reminds me of Helen. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of this mess of an anxiety attack, my heart is beating like a wild man and I start sweating like a pig.
Sally: Helen went to Michigan State?
Harry: No she went to Northwestern, but they're both Big-Ten schools. I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.
Sally: Harry I think this takes a long time. It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy going out with someone new.
Harry: Yah...
Sally: And maybe longer, before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new.
Harry: Oh I went to bed with her.
Sally: You went to bed with her?
Harry: Sure.
Sally: Oh.
Sally: Oh...The first day back is always the toughest Harry.
Harry: We only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?
Sally: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner having him reaching over pull a hair out of my head and starts flossing with it at the table?
Harry: We're talking dream dates compared to my horror. It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."
[Sally laughs]
Harry: Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile. So I down shift into small talk, and I asked her where she went to school and she said. "Michigan State", and this reminds me of Helen. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of this mess of an anxiety attack, my heart is beating like a wild man and I start sweating like a pig.
Sally: Helen went to Michigan State?
Harry: No she went to Northwestern, but they're both Big-Ten schools. I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.
Sally: Harry I think this takes a long time. It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy going out with someone new.
Harry: Yah...
Sally: And maybe longer, before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new.
Harry: Oh I went to bed with her.
Sally: You went to bed with her?
Harry: Sure.
Sally: Oh.
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Jess: I don't understand this relationship.
Harry: What do you mean?
Jess: You enjoy being with her?
Harry: Yeah.
Jess: You find her attractive?
Harry: Yeah.
Jess: And you're not sleeping with her.
Harry: No.
Jess: You're afraid to let yourself be happy.
Harry: Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing.
...
Harry: It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.
Jess: Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?
Harry: Nah, it's just different. It's a whole new perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she goes out with and I can talk to her about the women that I see.
Jess: You tell her about other women.
Harry: Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human, she actually meowed.
Jess: You made a woman meow?
Harry: Yeah. That's the point, I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself.
Jess: You made a woman meow?
Harry: What do you mean?
Jess: You enjoy being with her?
Harry: Yeah.
Jess: You find her attractive?
Harry: Yeah.
Jess: And you're not sleeping with her.
Harry: No.
Jess: You're afraid to let yourself be happy.
Harry: Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing.
...
Harry: It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.
Jess: Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?
Harry: Nah, it's just different. It's a whole new perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she goes out with and I can talk to her about the women that I see.
Jess: You tell her about other women.
Harry: Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human, she actually meowed.
Jess: You made a woman meow?
Harry: Yeah. That's the point, I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself.
Jess: You made a woman meow?
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Sally: So what do you do with these women, you just get up out of bed and leave?
Harry: Sure.
Sally: Well explain to me how you do it. What do you say?
Harry: You'd say you have an early meeting, early haircut or a squash game.
Sally: You don't play squash.
Harry: They don't know that they just met me.
Sally: That's disgusting.
Harry: I know, I feel terrible.
Sally: You know I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would know this.
Harry: Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.
Sally: Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.
Harry: Hey I don't feel great about this but I don't hear anyone complaining.
Sally: Of course not, you're out of the door too fast.
Harry: Sure.
Sally: Well explain to me how you do it. What do you say?
Harry: You'd say you have an early meeting, early haircut or a squash game.
Sally: You don't play squash.
Harry: They don't know that they just met me.
Sally: That's disgusting.
Harry: I know, I feel terrible.
Sally: You know I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would know this.
Harry: Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.
Sally: Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.
Harry: Hey I don't feel great about this but I don't hear anyone complaining.
Sally: Of course not, you're out of the door too fast.
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Harry: I think they have an OK time.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: What do you mean how do I know? I know.
Sally: Because they...
Harry: Yes, because they...
Sally: And how do you know that they really...
Harry: What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?
Sally: It's possible.
Harry: Get outta here!
Sally: Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry: Well they haven't faked it with me.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because I know.
Sally: Oh, right, that's right, I forgot, you're a man.
Harry: What is that supposed to mean?
Sally: Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and that most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.
Harry: You don't think that I could tell the difference?
Sally: No.
Harry: Get outta here.
Sally: Ooo...Oh...Ooo...
Harry: Are you OK?
Sally: Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh yeah right there Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh...Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh...
Older Woman Customer: [to waiter] I'll have what she's having. Note: the bolded line is ranked #33 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: What do you mean how do I know? I know.
Sally: Because they...
Harry: Yes, because they...
Sally: And how do you know that they really...
Harry: What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?
Sally: It's possible.
Harry: Get outta here!
Sally: Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry: Well they haven't faked it with me.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because I know.
Sally: Oh, right, that's right, I forgot, you're a man.
Harry: What is that supposed to mean?
Sally: Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and that most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.
Harry: You don't think that I could tell the difference?
Sally: No.
Harry: Get outta here.
Sally: Ooo...Oh...Ooo...
Harry: Are you OK?
Sally: Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh yeah right there Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh...Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh...
Older Woman Customer: [to waiter] I'll have what she's having. Note: the bolded line is ranked #33 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
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Woman: He was a head counselor at the boys' camp, and I was a head counselor at the girls' camp. And they had a social one night. And he walked across the room. I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine, because people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine, but he was coming to talk to me. And he said -
Man: I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls.
Woman: At that moment, I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon.
Man: I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls.
Woman: At that moment, I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon.
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Jess: If she's so great why aren't you taking her out?
Harry: How many times do I have to tell you, we're just friends.
Jess: So you're saying she's not that attractive.
Harry: No, I told you she is attractive.
Jess: Yeah but you also said she has a good personality.
Harry: She has a good personality.
[Jess stops walking, turns to Harry, raises his arms in the air]
Harry: What?
Jess: When someone's not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality.
Harry: Look, if you had asked me what does she look like and I said, she has a good personality, that means she's not attractive. But just because I happen to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.
Jess: So which one is she?
Harry: Attractive.
Jess: But not beautiful, right?
Harry: How many times do I have to tell you, we're just friends.
Jess: So you're saying she's not that attractive.
Harry: No, I told you she is attractive.
Jess: Yeah but you also said she has a good personality.
Harry: She has a good personality.
[Jess stops walking, turns to Harry, raises his arms in the air]
Harry: What?
Jess: When someone's not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality.
Harry: Look, if you had asked me what does she look like and I said, she has a good personality, that means she's not attractive. But just because I happen to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.
Jess: So which one is she?
Harry: Attractive.
Jess: But not beautiful, right?
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Marie: "Restaurants are to people in the 80s what theater was to people in the 60s." I read that in a magazine.
Jess: I wrote that.
Marie: Get out of here.
Jess: No, I did. I wrote that.
Marie: I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life! That's amazing. Don't you think it's amazing? And you wrote it?
Jess: I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the 80s."
Marie: Get over yourself.
Jess: I did!
Marie: Where did I read that?
Jess: New York magazine.
Harry: Sally writes for New York magazine.
Marie: You know that piece had a real impact on me, I mean I, I don't know that much about writing but...
Jess: Well, well, it spoke to you, and that pleases me.
Marie: I.. I mean I really.. have.. you have to admire people who can be as... that articulate.
[Harry and Sally share a look]
Jess: Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.
Jess: I wrote that.
Marie: Get out of here.
Jess: No, I did. I wrote that.
Marie: I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life! That's amazing. Don't you think it's amazing? And you wrote it?
Jess: I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the 80s."
Marie: Get over yourself.
Jess: I did!
Marie: Where did I read that?
Jess: New York magazine.
Harry: Sally writes for New York magazine.
Marie: You know that piece had a real impact on me, I mean I, I don't know that much about writing but...
Jess: Well, well, it spoke to you, and that pleases me.
Marie: I.. I mean I really.. have.. you have to admire people who can be as... that articulate.
[Harry and Sally share a look]
Jess: Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.
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Harry: [after he has run into his ex-wife] She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird. She looked very weird.
Sally: I've never seen her before.
Harry: Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything.
Sally: I've never seen her before.
Harry: Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must be retaining water.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything.
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Sally: You sure you're OK?
Harry: Oh, I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point. In a city of eight million people, you're bound to run into your ex-wife. So boom, it happened. And now I'm fine.
Harry: Oh, I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point. In a city of eight million people, you're bound to run into your ex-wife. So boom, it happened. And now I'm fine.
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Harry: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that's wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. Because someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry: I was being nice!
Marie: Harry.
Harry: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. Because someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry: I was being nice!
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Sally: I don't have to take this crap from you.
Harry: If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?
Sally: I see people.
Harry: See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?
Sally: What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I'm over Joe? Because I **** somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something.
Harry: Are you finished now?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Can I say something?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Harry: If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?
Sally: I see people.
Harry: See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?
Sally: What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I'm over Joe? Because I **** somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something.
Harry: Are you finished now?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Can I say something?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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[Playing "Pictionary."]
Jess: "Baby talk?" What's that? That's not a saying.
Harry: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.
Jess: "Baby talk?" What's that? That's not a saying.
Harry: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.
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Jess: Emily is terrific.
Harry: Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
Jess: No.
Harry: Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
Jess: No.
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Sally: She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly. He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the one. All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. And I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like this big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.
Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. And I'm gonna be forty.
Harry: When?
Sally: Someday.
Harry: In eight years.
Sally: But it's there. It's just sitting there, like this big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.
Harry: Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.
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Marie: [on the phone with Sally] That's great Sally.
Jess: [on the phone with Harry] We've been praying for it.
Marie: You should have done it in the first place.
Jess: For months, we've been saying you should do it.
Marie: You guys belong together.
Jess: It's like killing two birds with one stone.
Marie: It's like two wrongs make a right.
...
[They both hang up]
Marie: Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.
Jess: You'll never have to be out there again.
Jess: [on the phone with Harry] We've been praying for it.
Marie: You should have done it in the first place.
Jess: For months, we've been saying you should do it.
Marie: You guys belong together.
Jess: It's like killing two birds with one stone.
Marie: It's like two wrongs make a right.
...
[They both hang up]
Marie: Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.
Jess: You'll never have to be out there again.
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Harry: It's just like most of the time you go to bed with someone, she tells you her stories, you tell her your stories. But with Sally and me, we've already heard each other's stories, so once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were suppose to do, you know?
Jess: Sure Harry.
Harry: I don't know. May be you get to a certain point in the relationship where it's just too late to have sex, you know?
Jess: Sure Harry.
Harry: I don't know. May be you get to a certain point in the relationship where it's just too late to have sex, you know?
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Sally: Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?
Marie: I don't think so.
Sally: Is he seeing anyone?
Marie: He was seeing this anthropologist, but...
Sally: What does she look like?
Marie: Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.
Marie: I don't think so.
Sally: Is he seeing anyone?
Marie: He was seeing this anthropologist, but...
Sally: What does she look like?
Marie: Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.
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Harry: Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?
Sally: Forever? It just happened.
Harry: It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Yes.
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
Harry: Yes.
Sally: Who is the dog?
Harry: You are.
Sally: I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?
Harry: Um-hmm.
Sally: I am the dog. I-I don't see that Harry. If anybody is the dog, you are the dog. You want to act like what happened didn't mean anything.
Harry: I'm not saying it didn't mean anything. I am saying why does it have to mean everything?
Sally: Because it does, and you should know that better than anybody because the minute that it happens, you walk right out the door.
Harry: I didn't walk out.
Sally: No, sprinted is more like it.
Harry: We both agreed it was a mistake.
Sally: The worst mistake I've ever made.
Harry: What do you want from me?
Sally: I don't want anything from you!
Harry: Fine. Fine, but let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there that night to make love to you, that is not why I went there. But you looked up at me with these big weepy eyes, don't go home night Harry, hold me a little longer Harry. What was I supposed to do?
Sally: What are you saying, you took pity on me?
Harry: No, I was...
Sally: **** you! [she slaps Harry]
Sally: Forever? It just happened.
Harry: It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally: Yes.
Sally: Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?
Harry: Yes.
Sally: Who is the dog?
Harry: You are.
Sally: I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?
Harry: Um-hmm.
Sally: I am the dog. I-I don't see that Harry. If anybody is the dog, you are the dog. You want to act like what happened didn't mean anything.
Harry: I'm not saying it didn't mean anything. I am saying why does it have to mean everything?
Sally: Because it does, and you should know that better than anybody because the minute that it happens, you walk right out the door.
Harry: I didn't walk out.
Sally: No, sprinted is more like it.
Harry: We both agreed it was a mistake.
Sally: The worst mistake I've ever made.
Harry: What do you want from me?
Sally: I don't want anything from you!
Harry: Fine. Fine, but let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there that night to make love to you, that is not why I went there. But you looked up at me with these big weepy eyes, don't go home night Harry, hold me a little longer Harry. What was I supposed to do?
Sally: What are you saying, you took pity on me?
Harry: No, I was...
Sally: **** you! [she slaps Harry]
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Sally: [on the phone] What do you want Harry?
Harry: Nothing, nothing. I... just called to say I'm sorry.
Sally: OK.
[long pause]
Sally: I gotta go.
Harry: Wait a second, wait a, wait a second. What are you doing for New Year's? Are you going to the Tyler's party? 'Cos I don't have a date, and if you don't have a date, we always said that if neither one of us had a date, we could be together for New Years. And we... could... you know.... why don't...
Sally: I can't do this anymore, I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye.
Harry: Nothing, nothing. I... just called to say I'm sorry.
Sally: OK.
[long pause]
Sally: I gotta go.
Harry: Wait a second, wait a, wait a second. What are you doing for New Year's? Are you going to the Tyler's party? 'Cos I don't have a date, and if you don't have a date, we always said that if neither one of us had a date, we could be together for New Years. And we... could... you know.... why don't...
Sally: I can't do this anymore, I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye.
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Harry: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally: What?
Harry: I love you.
Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry: How about, you love me too.
Sally: How about, I'm leaving.
Harry: Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?
Sally: I'm sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve. I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me, and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work this way.
Harry: Well, how does it work?
Sally: I don't know, but not this way.
Harry: How about this way? I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Sally: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.
[They kiss]
Sally: What?
Harry: I love you.
Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry: How about, you love me too.
Sally: How about, I'm leaving.
Harry: Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?
Sally: I'm sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve. I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me, and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work this way.
Harry: Well, how does it work?
Sally: I don't know, but not this way.
Harry: How about this way? I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Sally: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.
[They kiss]
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Harry: [about Auld Lang Syne] What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know what this song means. I mean, 'Should old acquaintance be forgot'? Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances, or does it mean if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot?
Sally: Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway, it's about old friends.
Sally: Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway, it's about old friends.
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Harry: The first time we met, we hated each other.
Sally: No, you didn't hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn't even remember me.
Harry: I did too, I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends.
Sally: We were friends for a long time.
Harry: And then we weren't.
Sally: And then we fell in love.
Sally: No, you didn't hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met, you didn't even remember me.
Harry: I did too, I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends.
Sally: We were friends for a long time.
Harry: And then we weren't.
Sally: And then we fell in love.
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Sally: Three months later, we got married.
Harry: It only took three months.
Sally: Twelve years and three months.
Harry: We had this - we had a really wonderful wedding.
Sally: It really was.
Harry: It was great. We had this enormous coconut cake.
Sally: Huge coconut cake with the tiers, and there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.
Harry: Right. Because not everybody likes it on the cake, because it makes it very soggy.
Sally: Particularly the coconut soaks up a lot of that stuff so you really - it's important to keep it on the side.
Harry: Right...
Harry: It only took three months.
Sally: Twelve years and three months.
Harry: We had this - we had a really wonderful wedding.
Sally: It really was.
Harry: It was great. We had this enormous coconut cake.
Sally: Huge coconut cake with the tiers, and there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.
Harry: Right. Because not everybody likes it on the cake, because it makes it very soggy.
Sally: Particularly the coconut soaks up a lot of that stuff so you really - it's important to keep it on the side.
Harry: Right...