As Good as It Gets quotes

View Quote Carol: I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever.
Melvin: I'm sorry, but, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9am.
Carol: I'm not kidding.
Melvin: Okay. Anything else?

View Quote Carol: ****ing HMO! Bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly: Carol.
Carol: I'm Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.

View Quote Carol: So what are you doing with a dog?
Melvin: Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.
Carol: You're not worried someone might take it?
Melvin: Well not until now for Christ sake!

View Quote Melvin: [answering the door] Is he dead yet?
Nora: No! I was wondering, would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him.
Melvin: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time, and here is the key in case he is asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work. And he'll know that, even things like this, happen for the best.
Melvin: Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

View Quote Melvin: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon: Sure.
Melvin: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon: Melvin.
Melvin: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you--
Simon: You consider your life easy?
Melvin: Alright. I give you that one.

View Quote Melvin: I'm trying to keep emotion out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me, and I have very strong feelings on the subject.
Carol: What subject?! That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You sick? You don't look sick, just tired and bitter.

View Quote Simon: I love you.
Melvin: I tell ya, buddy, I'd be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.

View Quote Zoe: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

View Quote [To Melvin] Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

View Quote As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap when or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

View Quote Carol the waitress, meet Simon the f**.

View Quote Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! C'mere ya little piss-ant mop!

View Quote Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?

View Quote How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?

View Quote I like Simon! And I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him, or so much as touch that dog again. In the meantime, I'm gonna try to think of some way you can make it up to him. I hate doin' this! I'm an art dealer! Have a nice day.