BASEketball quotes

View Quote [Coop and Reemer are fighting] Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

View Quote Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out your zipper
Kenny Scolari: Yeah, I could
Doug Remer: No, dude, you're a little bitch
Kenny Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys!
Joe Cooper: ...cause you're a piece of shit
Kenny Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Doug Remer: Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch
Joe Cooper: Sure are!
Kenny Scolari:
Kenny Scolari: God-damnit man! I swear you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I'm outta here!

View Quote Steve Perry. Steeeve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!"

View Quote Yeah. I made it myself, you know. If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels.

View Quote (To Reggie Jackson): I don't have your ****ing ball!

View Quote Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... ****!

View Quote No, it's not like horse.

View Quote Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

View Quote [in Cartman's voice]
Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm ****in' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm ****in' fat as ****.
[with Australian accent] How to speak San Franciscan?

View Quote [He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]
Vagina!
If I had a nickel for every time that ball saved me, I'd have a shitload of nickels!

View Quote I hear your mom's going out with......SQUEAK

View Quote Listen to me little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your ****in' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

View Quote MY NAME ISN'T SQUEAK, ALL RIGHT?! MY NAME IS KENNY!!

View Quote Circulating nurse: This kid's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.
[in song] Your life's spinning out of control, it seems the whole world it's out to get you, but you can't let it bring you down no you've got to fight-eh, CAUSE you try but you can't let gooooo. It's when your down that you gotta get up-a, don't let 'em walk all over your face-eh, stand up for yourself and make everything a-right again. Even when some guy's tryin-a blackmail you, and your girlfriend thinks you suck, it's up to you to let them know that it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan. Look out ahead, there's a truck changing lanes, you got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip, and those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away unless you start using topical cream everyday .....
Singer: [singing] And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away, unless you use topical cream everyday.
Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.
Narrator: The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.
Bob Costas: You're excited? Feel these nipples!

View Quote [standing at the front door]
Joe Cooper: It's Coop and Remer.
Doug Remer: We graduated with Britney.
Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?
Joe Cooper: Of course we graduated, **** - Beer?
[in the house]
Doug Remer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.
Joe Cooper: Oh hey, Stef!
Stephanie: Coop! Remer!
Joe Cooper: You wanna beer?
Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!
Joe Cooper: Oh, cool.
Stephanie: No, it isn't.
Joe Cooper: ****. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
“Skidmark” Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?
Joe Cooper: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. ****.