BASEketball quotes

View Quote Joe Cooper: With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!
Jenna Reed: That's kidneys, Coop.

View Quote Doug Remer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Kenny Scolari: Dude, that is so ****in' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny Scolari: Yeah I could.
Doug Remer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joe Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
Kenny Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Doug Remer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

View Quote Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?
Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?
[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]
Dale Earnhardt: HANG ON!

View Quote Joe Cooper: Who's this guy?
Doug Remer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.
Joe Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? ****ing sellout.

View Quote Joe Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally ****ed me there!
Doug Remer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.
Joe Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!
Doug Remer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.
Kenny Scolari: Hey, you think?
Joe Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.
Kenny Scolari: Why is that low?
Doug Remer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

View Quote Referee 1: What's the matter with Coop?
Referee 2: I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater!

View Quote Joe Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.
Kenny Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!
Joe Cooper: Right, so just shoot for it. And if you get it in, you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.
Kenny Scolari: Or bitch.
Doug Remer & Joe Cooper: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.
Kenny Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.
Joe Cooper: Steve Perry.
Kenny Scolari: Huh?
[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]
Doug Remer: Tough break, Squeak.
Joe Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.
[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

View Quote Joe Cooper: What is something you really want?
Joey: Chelsea Clinton.
Joe Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.
Doug Remer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

View Quote Joe Cooper: I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!
Doug Remer: Dude!
Joe Cooper: Dude!
Doug Remer: Dude!
Joe Cooper: Dude!
Doug Remer: Dude!
[Coop looks shocked]
Doug Remer: Dude.
Joe Cooper: I guess you have a point.

View Quote [Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]
Doug Remer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!
Kenny Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

View Quote Doug Remer: He's flat-lining!
Joe Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!
Kenny Scolari: No! Not those!
Joe Cooper: Clear!
Kenny Scolari: Clear!
Kenny Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]
Kenny Scolari: No pulse!
Joe Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!
Doug Remer: 10,000 volts!
Joe Cooper: Clear!
Kenny Scolari: Clear!
[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]
Doug Remer: Dude, it's not working!
Joe Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!
Doug Remer: 15,000 volts!
Kenny Scolari: [ears smoking] No...
[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]
Doug Remer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?
Joe Cooper: What does it look like?
Doug Remer: An execution?
Joe Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!
Doug Remer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!
Joe Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.
Doug Remer: Heh.
Joe Cooper: CLEAR!

View Quote Doug Remer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
Joe Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

View Quote Joe Cooper: Hey pig****er, can I call you pig****er?
Doug Remer: No, only my friends can call me pig****er.

View Quote Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.
Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.
Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.
Dan Patrick: Right,

View Quote Robert Stack: The police have pieced together numerous theories on Coop's whereabouts.
Doug Remer: I have no ****ing clue where the hell he is. For all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his ****ing closet!
Robert Stack: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his ****ing closet.
Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for where the most heinous, vile, horrible exploitation of children takes place.
Robert Stack: Scenario Two: Coop is at Disney Land.