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Axel Foley: Inspector T, how you doin'?
Inspector Todd: Where the **** you been, Foley? And what the **** is this?
Axel Foley: It's a blue slip.
Inspector Todd: Wh-what in the hell do you need a thousand dollars for?
Axel Foley: A little flash money.
Inspector Todd: Flash money. Well, let's see here - $2,000 for a suit, $200 for a tie, a requisition order for a Ferrari. I'm don't wanna see any more of these blue slips. When am I gonna see some arrest slips?
Axel Foley: I know that you're getting' upset. And I know that you have reason to be upset. But let me tell you something, chief. I am close, I am so close now. I'm closer than I've been, and it-it's makin' me crazy. 'Cause I can smell it, it's in the air. And I smell it. It's... [sniffs] I sm- Do you smell it? 'Cause I smell it.
Inspector Todd: All I smell is your bullshit. For six months, I been pourin' money down a bottomless hole. Where the bad guys at the end of this rainbow?
Axel Foley: Wait a second, look. I just thought, that if there was a problem-
Inspector Todd: Don't think, Axel! It makes my dick itch. The truth is, this department has fronted you a fortune. And my ass is on the line. I okayed all this shit!
Inspector Todd: Where the **** you been, Foley? And what the **** is this?
Axel Foley: It's a blue slip.
Inspector Todd: Wh-what in the hell do you need a thousand dollars for?
Axel Foley: A little flash money.
Inspector Todd: Flash money. Well, let's see here - $2,000 for a suit, $200 for a tie, a requisition order for a Ferrari. I'm don't wanna see any more of these blue slips. When am I gonna see some arrest slips?
Axel Foley: I know that you're getting' upset. And I know that you have reason to be upset. But let me tell you something, chief. I am close, I am so close now. I'm closer than I've been, and it-it's makin' me crazy. 'Cause I can smell it, it's in the air. And I smell it. It's... [sniffs] I sm- Do you smell it? 'Cause I smell it.
Inspector Todd: All I smell is your bullshit. For six months, I been pourin' money down a bottomless hole. Where the bad guys at the end of this rainbow?
Axel Foley: Wait a second, look. I just thought, that if there was a problem-
Inspector Todd: Don't think, Axel! It makes my dick itch. The truth is, this department has fronted you a fortune. And my ass is on the line. I okayed all this shit!
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Axel Foley: Oh, you mean the construction that's going on. Yes, I'm very embarrassed about that. What I'm trying to do, though, is just confine myself to the other five bedrooms. I'm used to compromising my lifestyle.
John Taggart: Bullshit! You've stolen this house!
Axel Foley: How the **** can you steal a house? This...my uncle's house!
John Taggart: Bullshit! You've stolen this house!
Axel Foley: How the **** can you steal a house? This...my uncle's house!
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Carlotta: What the ****ing **** you tryin' to get away with?
Axel Foley: I'm checking you for a wire, man.
Carlotta: Get ****in' outta here.
Vinnie: Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Axel Foley: Why can't I check ya?
Vinnie: Ho, ho, ho! Stop the bullshit. Stop the bullshit! Stop this bullshit. Cut the bullshit. Cut the bullshit right now. Cut the bullshit, man.
Axel Foley: If he ain't a cop, if he ain't wired, why can't I- why can't I frisk him? Why can't- Why won't he let me frisk him, then? Then why can't I frisk him if he ain't got no wire on?
Vinnie: Look, I got 2000 blank American Express cards, right now. Gold. You got the money, you wanna do business or what?
Axel Foley: I have the money and I do wanna do business, but with *you*. I ain't doing nothing in front of this dude, 'cause this dude is a cop. I know when I can smell a pig inside the room. I used to be a Muslim, man. And I know that's pork over here. And th... [sniffs] Yes, pork! It's definitely pork. I ain't doin' shit around this dude, man. You wanna do business, you know where to find me. **** you, man. Allahu Akbar.
Axel Foley: I'm checking you for a wire, man.
Carlotta: Get ****in' outta here.
Vinnie: Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Axel Foley: Why can't I check ya?
Vinnie: Ho, ho, ho! Stop the bullshit. Stop the bullshit! Stop this bullshit. Cut the bullshit. Cut the bullshit right now. Cut the bullshit, man.
Axel Foley: If he ain't a cop, if he ain't wired, why can't I- why can't I frisk him? Why can't- Why won't he let me frisk him, then? Then why can't I frisk him if he ain't got no wire on?
Vinnie: Look, I got 2000 blank American Express cards, right now. Gold. You got the money, you wanna do business or what?
Axel Foley: I have the money and I do wanna do business, but with *you*. I ain't doing nothing in front of this dude, 'cause this dude is a cop. I know when I can smell a pig inside the room. I used to be a Muslim, man. And I know that's pork over here. And th... [sniffs] Yes, pork! It's definitely pork. I ain't doin' shit around this dude, man. You wanna do business, you know where to find me. **** you, man. Allahu Akbar.
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Chief Lutz: [Arriving with his assitant Biddle and Mayor Ted Egan] What the hell have you done here? Looks like a goddamn war zone. What in the hell have you done, Taggart? Tell me.
Billy Rosewood: We solved the Alphabet crimes.
Chief Lutz: You shut up! Who the hell is talking to you? I personally solved the Alphabet case up in a body bag over an hour ago. [to Axel] And you, I don't give a goddamn what agency you say you're working for, you're in jail, buddy.
Billy Rosewood: Chief, wait a...
Chief Lutz: SHUT UP! What the hell do you think you're doing, bringing a fire fight in the middle of my city? You're out of the cop business for good, forever!
Billy Rosewood: Will you just listen a minute?
Chief Lutz: Shut up! You shut your mouth once and for all!
Billy Rosewood: NO GODDAMN IT, YOU SHUT UP! This is what the Alphabet crimes are all about... guns!
Chief Lutz: Guns?
Billy Rosewood: [points to Nikos Thomopolis, who is being arrested] That guy sold them, and Dent bought 'em with stolen money from Adriano's at his own racetrack. He was on his way to Central America. And if you'd bothered to take your head out of your ass, YOU'D SEE WE SOLVED THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING! [Simultaneously, Another officer hands Mayor Egan Thomopolis' note book and the Mayor looks at it]
Chief Lutz: You watch yourself.
Mayor Egan: Just a minute. Lutz. [Looks at the notes again] Why didn't I know about this?
John Taggart: Because Chief Lutz doesn't have the guts to hear the truth from real cops. That's why we had to go undercover with Detective Foley to solve this case.
Chief Lutz: That cuts it, Taggart! You're fired!
John Taggart: Yeah? Kiss my ass!
Chief Lutz: KISS MINE! [Turns to Billy] You're fired too!
Mayor Egan: Lutz
Chief Lutz: Isn't that right?
Mayor Egan: I think I've just about had it with your abusive attitude.
Chief Lutz: I'm sorry, I get carried away, I'm sorry.
Mayor Egan: You're fired. Do you understand that?
Chief Lutz: Don't overreact, Ted. Please.
Mayor Egan: You're fired. I want you out of here now. Get out of here! Fired!
Chief Lutz: You'll regret this, Ted.
Mayor Egan: I regret it. Now I've regretted it for the last two months. [Turns to Biddle]
Harold Lutz: You'll regret this! [Simultaneously]
Mayor Egan: You're fired too, You're out of here, get out of here. [Simultaneously]
Biddle: Aw I didn't do anything. I didn't... I didn't do anything. [Simultaneously]
Mayor Egan: Will you get out? Get out! [Simultaneously]
Axel Foley: Are they civilians now?
Mayor Egan: You bet.
Axel Foley: I'm gonna kick your ass later!
Mayor Egan: Axel, thank you so much, really. I've gotta go to a charity meeting, food for the homeless for Beverly Hills. But Tomorrow...
Axel Foley: Oh. Food for the Homeless Wait a second, I'd like to make a donation sir. Here's $200 in the name of Sidney Bernstein. That's my alias. I don't like a lot of publicity.
Mayor Egan: Thank you, Axel... I mean, Sidney Bernstein. Thank you, gentlemen very much.
Detective Billy Rosewood: Thank you, sir.
Mayor Egan: Thank you.
Axel Foley: "If you get your head out of your ass long enough"? "Kiss my ass"? You're getting more and more like me every day. Next thing you know, you're gonna have afros... Big dicks and all.
Billy Rosewood: We solved the Alphabet crimes.
Chief Lutz: You shut up! Who the hell is talking to you? I personally solved the Alphabet case up in a body bag over an hour ago. [to Axel] And you, I don't give a goddamn what agency you say you're working for, you're in jail, buddy.
Billy Rosewood: Chief, wait a...
Chief Lutz: SHUT UP! What the hell do you think you're doing, bringing a fire fight in the middle of my city? You're out of the cop business for good, forever!
Billy Rosewood: Will you just listen a minute?
Chief Lutz: Shut up! You shut your mouth once and for all!
Billy Rosewood: NO GODDAMN IT, YOU SHUT UP! This is what the Alphabet crimes are all about... guns!
Chief Lutz: Guns?
Billy Rosewood: [points to Nikos Thomopolis, who is being arrested] That guy sold them, and Dent bought 'em with stolen money from Adriano's at his own racetrack. He was on his way to Central America. And if you'd bothered to take your head out of your ass, YOU'D SEE WE SOLVED THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING! [Simultaneously, Another officer hands Mayor Egan Thomopolis' note book and the Mayor looks at it]
Chief Lutz: You watch yourself.
Mayor Egan: Just a minute. Lutz. [Looks at the notes again] Why didn't I know about this?
John Taggart: Because Chief Lutz doesn't have the guts to hear the truth from real cops. That's why we had to go undercover with Detective Foley to solve this case.
Chief Lutz: That cuts it, Taggart! You're fired!
John Taggart: Yeah? Kiss my ass!
Chief Lutz: KISS MINE! [Turns to Billy] You're fired too!
Mayor Egan: Lutz
Chief Lutz: Isn't that right?
Mayor Egan: I think I've just about had it with your abusive attitude.
Chief Lutz: I'm sorry, I get carried away, I'm sorry.
Mayor Egan: You're fired. Do you understand that?
Chief Lutz: Don't overreact, Ted. Please.
Mayor Egan: You're fired. I want you out of here now. Get out of here! Fired!
Chief Lutz: You'll regret this, Ted.
Mayor Egan: I regret it. Now I've regretted it for the last two months. [Turns to Biddle]
Harold Lutz: You'll regret this! [Simultaneously]
Mayor Egan: You're fired too, You're out of here, get out of here. [Simultaneously]
Biddle: Aw I didn't do anything. I didn't... I didn't do anything. [Simultaneously]
Mayor Egan: Will you get out? Get out! [Simultaneously]
Axel Foley: Are they civilians now?
Mayor Egan: You bet.
Axel Foley: I'm gonna kick your ass later!
Mayor Egan: Axel, thank you so much, really. I've gotta go to a charity meeting, food for the homeless for Beverly Hills. But Tomorrow...
Axel Foley: Oh. Food for the Homeless Wait a second, I'd like to make a donation sir. Here's $200 in the name of Sidney Bernstein. That's my alias. I don't like a lot of publicity.
Mayor Egan: Thank you, Axel... I mean, Sidney Bernstein. Thank you, gentlemen very much.
Detective Billy Rosewood: Thank you, sir.
Mayor Egan: Thank you.
Axel Foley: "If you get your head out of your ass long enough"? "Kiss my ass"? You're getting more and more like me every day. Next thing you know, you're gonna have afros... Big dicks and all.
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Chief Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Axel Foley: Uh, my name is Johnny Wish-Wishbone. Johnny Wishbone. And I am a psychic from the island of St. Croix. Yes, I am psychic from the island of St. Croix. And I read in the St. Croix Gazette that the Beverly Hills Police Department having some trouble figuring out crimes. So, what I did was come to Beverly Hills to help the police out. They tell me they don't want my help, they don't *need* my help, so I'm gonna go on my merry way. I'm a psychic! I am a psychic phenomenon. Watch this. I don't know who you are, but watch this. Ummm... Your name is, ummmm, Lutz! Right? Chief Lutz. That's your name. See? The name pop inside my head like that. And your name is, ummmmm, ummmmm...
Biddle: Biddle?
Axel Foley: Biddle! Yes, see? I- You- Two more seconds I would have said it myself. I don't need no help from no one, because I'm Johnny Wishbone, psychic extraordinaire. And if you need me, just think "Johnny Wishbone" and I come running. Lutz and Biddle, it's like Kibbles n' Bits, but different.
Axel Foley: Uh, my name is Johnny Wish-Wishbone. Johnny Wishbone. And I am a psychic from the island of St. Croix. Yes, I am psychic from the island of St. Croix. And I read in the St. Croix Gazette that the Beverly Hills Police Department having some trouble figuring out crimes. So, what I did was come to Beverly Hills to help the police out. They tell me they don't want my help, they don't *need* my help, so I'm gonna go on my merry way. I'm a psychic! I am a psychic phenomenon. Watch this. I don't know who you are, but watch this. Ummm... Your name is, ummmm, Lutz! Right? Chief Lutz. That's your name. See? The name pop inside my head like that. And your name is, ummmmm, ummmmm...
Biddle: Biddle?
Axel Foley: Biddle! Yes, see? I- You- Two more seconds I would have said it myself. I don't need no help from no one, because I'm Johnny Wishbone, psychic extraordinaire. And if you need me, just think "Johnny Wishbone" and I come running. Lutz and Biddle, it's like Kibbles n' Bits, but different.
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Sidney Bernstein: Oh, oh, oh. Come right in. Don't let the fact that my door's closed dissuade you in any way from entering my office.
Axel Foley: Sir, we're with the Beverly Hills Police Department. Are you Mr. Sidney Bernstein?
Sidney Bernstein: Yes. Lucky guess.
Axel Foley: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.
Sidney Bernstein: 25? What 25?
Axel Foley: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.
Sidney Bernstein: I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.
Axel Foley: Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates number CRL-507?
Sidney Bernstein: 507? That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-
Axel Foley: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.
Sidney Bernstein: I mean, it's under my name. But, it's my wife's car! No! No! No! [picks up phone; yells] Bitch!
Axel Foley: Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable. [to Taggart & Rosewood] Can you cuff Mr. Bernstein, please?
Sidney Bernstein: Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!
Axel Foley: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.
Sidney Bernstein: Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in this office that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?
Axel Foley: Sir, we're with the Beverly Hills Police Department. Are you Mr. Sidney Bernstein?
Sidney Bernstein: Yes. Lucky guess.
Axel Foley: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.
Sidney Bernstein: 25? What 25?
Axel Foley: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.
Sidney Bernstein: I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.
Axel Foley: Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates number CRL-507?
Sidney Bernstein: 507? That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-
Axel Foley: You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.
Sidney Bernstein: I mean, it's under my name. But, it's my wife's car! No! No! No! [picks up phone; yells] Bitch!
Axel Foley: Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable. [to Taggart & Rosewood] Can you cuff Mr. Bernstein, please?
Sidney Bernstein: Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!
Axel Foley: Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.
Sidney Bernstein: Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in this office that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?
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[Axel pulls a gun on a man smoking next to an 18 wheeler]
Axel Foley: Hey...do you like rap music?
Man: (mumbles in agreement)
Axel Foley: You like rap music? Well turn around real slow then. I'm from the Rap Coalition of America. Take that gun off and throw it over there. Throw the gun over there! If you like rap music so much, how come you ain't smiling?
Man: I'm smiling.
Axel Foley: Smile real big. Now, let's do a rap together. Yo baby, yo baby, yo!
Man: Yo baby, yo baby, yo!
Axel Foley: Say "owww!"
Man: Owww!
[Billy knocks the man out with the butt of his gun]
Axel Foley: Hey...do you like rap music?
Man: (mumbles in agreement)
Axel Foley: You like rap music? Well turn around real slow then. I'm from the Rap Coalition of America. Take that gun off and throw it over there. Throw the gun over there! If you like rap music so much, how come you ain't smiling?
Man: I'm smiling.
Axel Foley: Smile real big. Now, let's do a rap together. Yo baby, yo baby, yo!
Man: Yo baby, yo baby, yo!
Axel Foley: Say "owww!"
Man: Owww!
[Billy knocks the man out with the butt of his gun]
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[Axel sees Rosewood with a huge pistol]
Axel Foley: Yo, man! What's that for?
Billy Rosewood: After the shootout at the club, I figured I needed more firepower.
Axel Foley: Yo man, we gotta talk, seriously. Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood? Dirty Rosewood?
Axel Foley: Yo, man! What's that for?
Billy Rosewood: After the shootout at the club, I figured I needed more firepower.
Axel Foley: Yo man, we gotta talk, seriously. Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood? Dirty Rosewood?
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[Upon entering the pool area on the Playboy mansion] Jesus Christ! [Then to his crotch] Wake up! This is what we've always talked about! Look alive! You may never see it again! [to Billy and Taggert as he takes a large step] I don't wanna step on your tongues, excuse me.
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Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using "the force"?