Multiple Characters quotes
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Title Card: "...and these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through..." - David Bowie
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Richard Vernon: Grab some wood, bub!
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Richard Vernon: [reading from the confidential files] Mr....oh Mr. Tierney. A history of slight mental illness. No wonder he's so ****ed up.
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Claire Standish: [to her father] I can't believe you can't get me out of this. I mean it's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday! It's not like I'm a defective or anything.
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Vernon: Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.
Claire: Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here.
Vernon: It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways. [John spits a loogie in the air and apparently catches it in his mouth.] You may not talk. [Brian starts to move to a different seat.] You will not move from these seats. [And he sits back down.] And you... [pulls the chair out from under John's feet] ...will not sleep. All right people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay...of no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are.
Bender: Is this a test?
Vernon: And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender?
Bender: Crystal.
Vernon: Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.
Brian: You know, I can answer that right now sir. That'd be "No", no for me. 'Cause--
Vernon: Sit down, Johnson.
Brian: Thank you, sir.
Vernon: My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?
Bender: Yeah. I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
Claire: Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but...um...I don't think I belong in here.
Vernon: It is now seven-oh-six. You have exactly eight hours and fifty-four minutes to think about why you're here. To ponder the error of your ways. [John spits a loogie in the air and apparently catches it in his mouth.] You may not talk. [Brian starts to move to a different seat.] You will not move from these seats. [And he sits back down.] And you... [pulls the chair out from under John's feet] ...will not sleep. All right people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay...of no less than a thousand words describing to me who you think you are.
Bender: Is this a test?
Vernon: And when I say essay...I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender?
Bender: Crystal.
Vernon: Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.
Brian: You know, I can answer that right now sir. That'd be "No", no for me. 'Cause--
Vernon: Sit down, Johnson.
Brian: Thank you, sir.
Vernon: My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?
Bender: Yeah. I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.
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Bender: Oh, shit! What're we s'posed to do if we hafta take a piss?
Claire: Please.
Bender: If you gotta go, [unzips fly] you gotta go!
Claire: Oh my God!
Andrew: Hey, you're not urinating in here man!
Bender: Don't talk, don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.
Andrew: You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor!
Bender: You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr!
Claire: Please.
Bender: If you gotta go, [unzips fly] you gotta go!
Claire: Oh my God!
Andrew: Hey, you're not urinating in here man!
Bender: Don't talk, don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.
Andrew: You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor!
Bender: You're pretty sexy when you get angry...grrr!
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Bender: (to Brian) Hey, homeboy, why don't you close that door; we'll get the Prom Queen impregnated.
Andrew: Hey. Hey!
Bender: What?
Andrew: If I lose my temper, you're totaled man!
Bender: Totally?
Andrew: Totally!
Andrew: Hey. Hey!
Bender: What?
Andrew: If I lose my temper, you're totaled man!
Bender: Totally?
Andrew: Totally!
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Andrew: Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass, so knock it off!
Bender: It's a free country.
Claire: He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.
Bender: [to Claire] Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried!
Bender: So...so! Are you guys like boyfriend/girlfriend? Steady dates? Lo-vers?. Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot-beef-injection?
Claire: Go to hell!
Andrew: Enough!
Bender: It's a free country.
Claire: He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.
Bender: [to Claire] Sweets...you couldn't ignore me if you tried!
Bender: So...so! Are you guys like boyfriend/girlfriend? Steady dates? Lo-vers?. Come on Sporto, level with me. Do you slip her the hot-beef-injection?
Claire: Go to hell!
Andrew: Enough!
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Andrew: You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.
[John looks distraught for a second, but shakes it off.]
Bender: Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.
[Andrew and Claire laugh]
Bender: Maybe the prep club too! Student council...
Andrew: Nah, they wouldn't take you.
Bender: I'm hurt.
Claire: You know why guys like you knock everything...
Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire: It's 'cause you're afraid.
Bender: Oh, God! You richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities!
Claire: You're a big coward.
Brian: I'm in the math club.
Claire: See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.
Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it?
Claire: Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.
Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their ****ing clubs.
[John looks distraught for a second, but shakes it off.]
Bender: Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.
[Andrew and Claire laugh]
Bender: Maybe the prep club too! Student council...
Andrew: Nah, they wouldn't take you.
Bender: I'm hurt.
Claire: You know why guys like you knock everything...
Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire: It's 'cause you're afraid.
Bender: Oh, God! You richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities!
Claire: You're a big coward.
Brian: I'm in the math club.
Claire: See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.
Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes...now would it?
Claire: Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.
Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their ****ing clubs.
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Bender: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: That's an academic club.
Bender: So?
Claire: So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: Well, in physics we-we talk about physics, properties of physics.
Bender: So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?
Claire: That's an academic club.
Bender: So?
Claire: So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: Well, in physics we-we talk about physics, properties of physics.
Bender: So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?
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Andrew: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.
Bender: Oh and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!
Andrew: Well you wouldn't know anything about it, ****! You never competed in your whole life!
Bender: Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys.
Andrew: Ahhh, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.
Bender: Oh, but I do!
Andrew: Yeah?
Bender: I wanna be just--like--you. I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!
Brian: You wear tights?
Andrew: No I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform.
Brian: Tights.
Andrew: Shut up!
Bender: Oh and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!
Andrew: Well you wouldn't know anything about it, ****! You never competed in your whole life!
Bender: Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys.
Andrew: Ahhh, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.
Bender: Oh, but I do!
Andrew: Yeah?
Bender: I wanna be just--like--you. I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!
Brian: You wear tights?
Andrew: No I don't wear tights, I wear the required uniform.
Brian: Tights.
Andrew: Shut up!
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Vernon: [to Bender] Give me that screw.
Bender: I don't have it.
Vernon: You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
Bender: I don't have it. Screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place.
Bender: Give it to me, Bender.
Claire: Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?
Vernon: Watch it, young lady.
[Vernon tries to hold the door open by putting a folding chair in front of it.]
Bender: The door's way too heavy, sir.
[The door slams shut despite the chair.]
Vernon: Dammit!
[Vernon comes back in.]
Vernon: Andrew Clark! Get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go.
[Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon]
Bender: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
[Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door.]
Vernon: Okay, now, watch the magazines!
Bender: It's out of my hands. [Andrew tries to get back into the Library, but has difficulty getting over the rack.] That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
Vernon: All right, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on!
Brian: You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.
Bender: Show Dick some respect!
Vernon: Let's go. Go, get back into your seat. I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. [to Bender] You're not fooling anybody, Bender. The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.
Bender: (mumbling) Eat my shorts.
Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat...my...shorts!
Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!
Bender: (scoffs) I'm crushed.
Vernon: You just bought one more right there!
Bender: Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar!
Vernon: Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled! We'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?
Bender: No!
Vernon: I'm doing society a favor!
Bender: So?
Vernon: That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
Bender: Yes!
Vernon: You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal!
Claire: Cut it out! (mouthing) Stop!
Vernon: You through?
Bender: Not even close, bud!
Vernon: Good! You got one more, right there!
Bender: Do you really think I give a shit?
Vernon: Another. [Vernon and John stare angrily at each other.] You through?
Bender: How many is that?
Brian: That's seven, including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Vernon: Now it's eight. [to Brian] You stay out of it!
Brian: Excuse me, sir, it's seven.
Vernon: Shut up, Peewee! You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha!
Bender: What can I say? I'm thrilled!
Vernon: Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. All right, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here, I'm cracking skulls!
Bender: I don't have it.
Vernon: You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
Bender: I don't have it. Screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place.
Bender: Give it to me, Bender.
Claire: Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?
Vernon: Watch it, young lady.
[Vernon tries to hold the door open by putting a folding chair in front of it.]
Bender: The door's way too heavy, sir.
[The door slams shut despite the chair.]
Vernon: Dammit!
[Vernon comes back in.]
Vernon: Andrew Clark! Get up here. Come on, front and center, let's go.
[Andrew gets up and walks over to Vernon]
Bender: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy!
[Vernon and Andrew are now attempting to move the steel magazine rack in front of the door.]
Vernon: Okay, now, watch the magazines!
Bender: It's out of my hands. [Andrew tries to get back into the Library, but has difficulty getting over the rack.] That's very clever sir, but what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.
Vernon: All right, what are you doing with this? Get this outta here for God's sake! What's the matter with you? Come on!
Brian: You know the school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.
Bender: Show Dick some respect!
Vernon: Let's go. Go, get back into your seat. I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. [to Bender] You're not fooling anybody, Bender. The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.
Bender: (mumbling) Eat my shorts.
Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat...my...shorts!
Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister!
Bender: (scoffs) I'm crushed.
Vernon: You just bought one more right there!
Bender: Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar!
Vernon: Good! 'Cause it's gonna be filled! We'll keep goin'! You want another one? Say the word, just say the word! Instead of going to prison, you'll come here! Are you through?
Bender: No!
Vernon: I'm doing society a favor!
Bender: So?
Vernon: That's another one, right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
Bender: Yes!
Vernon: You got it! You got another one, right there! That's another one pal!
Claire: Cut it out! (mouthing) Stop!
Vernon: You through?
Bender: Not even close, bud!
Vernon: Good! You got one more, right there!
Bender: Do you really think I give a shit?
Vernon: Another. [Vernon and John stare angrily at each other.] You through?
Bender: How many is that?
Brian: That's seven, including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Vernon: Now it's eight. [to Brian] You stay out of it!
Brian: Excuse me, sir, it's seven.
Vernon: Shut up, Peewee! You're mine Bender...for two months I gotcha! I gotcha!
Bender: What can I say? I'm thrilled!
Vernon: Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. All right, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here, I'm cracking skulls!
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Bender: Big deal. Nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.
Andrew: Speak for yourself.
Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language.
Andrew: Speak for yourself.
Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language.
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Bender: Sporto...
Andrew: What?
Bender: You get along with your parents?
Andrew: Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?
Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too.
[John walks off, but Andrew follows him and pushes him.]
Andrew: You know something, man? If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you.
[Bender points his middle finger at the floor]
Bender: Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up?
[Bender flips his hand around so he is now giving Andrew the bird.]
Brian: Hey fellas... [Brian puts his hands on their shoulders, but they both simultaneously knock them off.] I mean...I don't like my parents either, I don't--I don't get along with them. Their idea of parental compassion is just, you know, wacko.
Bender: Dork?
Brian: Yeah?
Bender: You are a parent's wet dream, okay?
[John pats Brian on his shoulder forcing him to sit down.]
Brian: Well, that's a problem.
Bender: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
Bender: I'm being honest, asshole! I would expect you to know the difference!
Andrew: What?
Bender: You get along with your parents?
Andrew: Well if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?
Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents well you're a liar too.
[John walks off, but Andrew follows him and pushes him.]
Andrew: You know something, man? If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you.
[Bender points his middle finger at the floor]
Bender: Can you hear this? Want me to turn it up?
[Bender flips his hand around so he is now giving Andrew the bird.]
Brian: Hey fellas... [Brian puts his hands on their shoulders, but they both simultaneously knock them off.] I mean...I don't like my parents either, I don't--I don't get along with them. Their idea of parental compassion is just, you know, wacko.
Bender: Dork?
Brian: Yeah?
Bender: You are a parent's wet dream, okay?
[John pats Brian on his shoulder forcing him to sit down.]
Brian: Well, that's a problem.
Bender: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie! What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
Bender: I'm being honest, asshole! I would expect you to know the difference!
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Claire: What's your name?
Bender: What's yours?
Claire: Claire.
Bender: Ka-Laire?
Claire: Claire. It's a family name.
Bender: Oh, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire: Well, thank you.
Bender: You're welcome.
Claire: I'm not fat!
Bender: Well, not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh...
[He mimes becoming fat, making noises. Claire gives him the finger.]
Bender: Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!
Claire: I'm not that pristine!
Bender: Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be...a white wedding?
Claire: Why don't you just shut up?
Bender: Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire: Do you want me to puke?
Bender: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?
Bender: What's yours?
Claire: Claire.
Bender: Ka-Laire?
Claire: Claire. It's a family name.
Bender: Oh, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire: Well, thank you.
Bender: You're welcome.
Claire: I'm not fat!
Bender: Well, not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh...
[He mimes becoming fat, making noises. Claire gives him the finger.]
Bender: Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!
Claire: I'm not that pristine!
Bender: Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be...a white wedding?
Claire: Why don't you just shut up?
Bender: Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire: Do you want me to puke?
Bender: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?
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Andrew: Leave her alone. I said leave her alone!
Bender: You gonna make me?
Andrew: Yeah.
Bender: You and how many of your friends?
Andrew: Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal!
[John lightly pushes Andrew, but Andrew catches his hand and forces John to the ground.]
Bender: I don't wanna get into to this with you, man.
Andrew: (letting John go and rising up) Why not?
Bender: (getting up as well) 'Cause I'd kill you. It's real simple. I'd kill you and your ****ing parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.
Andrew: Chicken shit...
[Bender takes out a switchblade and stabs it into a chair.]
Andrew: Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her, you don't look at her [Meanwhile, Allison steals the switchblade.] and you don't even think about her! You understand me?
Bender: I'm trying to help her.
Bender: You gonna make me?
Andrew: Yeah.
Bender: You and how many of your friends?
Andrew: Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal!
[John lightly pushes Andrew, but Andrew catches his hand and forces John to the ground.]
Bender: I don't wanna get into to this with you, man.
Andrew: (letting John go and rising up) Why not?
Bender: (getting up as well) 'Cause I'd kill you. It's real simple. I'd kill you and your ****ing parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother.
Andrew: Chicken shit...
[Bender takes out a switchblade and stabs it into a chair.]
Andrew: Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her, you don't look at her [Meanwhile, Allison steals the switchblade.] and you don't even think about her! You understand me?
Bender: I'm trying to help her.
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Bender: How does one become a janitor?
Carl: You wanna be a janitor?
Bender: No, I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here, is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.
Carl: Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things; look through your letters, I look through your lockers...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast.
Carl: You wanna be a janitor?
Bender: No, I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here, is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.
Carl: Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon? Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things; look through your letters, I look through your lockers...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast.
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Vernon: All right girls, that's 30 minutes for lunch.
Andrew: Here? Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.
Vernon: Well I don't care what you think Andrew.
Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?
Andrew: We're extremely thirsty, sir.
Claire: I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew: I've seen her dehydrate sir. It's pretty gross.
Bender: Relax, I'll get it.
Vernon: Uh-Uh-Uh...Grab some wood there bub. What do you think I was born yesterday? You think I'm going to have you roaming these halls? [to Andrew] You. [Andrew motions to Claire, but Vernon points to Allison] And you. Hey! What's her name? Wake her. Wake her up. Hey! Come on, on your feet 'Missy,' let's go! This is no rest home. There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Let's go!
Andrew: Here? Well I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.
Vernon: Well I don't care what you think Andrew.
Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?
Andrew: We're extremely thirsty, sir.
Claire: I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew: I've seen her dehydrate sir. It's pretty gross.
Bender: Relax, I'll get it.
Vernon: Uh-Uh-Uh...Grab some wood there bub. What do you think I was born yesterday? You think I'm going to have you roaming these halls? [to Andrew] You. [Andrew motions to Claire, but Vernon points to Allison] And you. Hey! What's her name? Wake her. Wake her up. Hey! Come on, on your feet 'Missy,' let's go! This is no rest home. There's a soft drink machine in the teacher's lounge. Let's go!
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[Andrew and Allison are walking down the hall to the teacher's lounge.]
Andrew: So...what's your poison? [Allison doesn't respond.] What do you drink? [No response again.] Okay...forget I asked.
Allison: Vodka.
Andrew: Vodka. When do you drink Vodka?
Allison: Whenever.
Andrew: Do you drink it a lot?
Allison: Tons.
Andrew: Is that why you're here today? Why are you here--
Allison: Why are you here?
Andrew: I'm...here because my coach and my old man don't want me to blow my ride. You see, the coach thinks I'm a winner. My old man thinks I'm a winner. I'm not a winner 'cause I wanna be a winner. I'm a winner 'cause I have strength and speed, kinda like a race horse. Shows you how involved I am in everything that's happening to me.
Allison: Yeah? That's very...interesting. Now, why don't you tell me why you're really in here.
Andrew: Forget it.
Allison: Vodka.
Andrew: Vodka. When do you drink Vodka?
Allison: Whenever.
Andrew: Do you drink it a lot?
Allison: Tons.
Andrew: Is that why you're here today? Why are you here--
Allison: Why are you here?
Andrew: I'm...here because my coach and my old man don't want me to blow my ride. You see, the coach thinks I'm a winner. My old man thinks I'm a winner. I'm not a winner 'cause I wanna be a winner. I'm a winner 'cause I have strength and speed, kinda like a race horse. Shows you how involved I am in everything that's happening to me.
Allison: Yeah? That's very...interesting. Now, why don't you tell me why you're really in here.
Andrew: Forget it.
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Bender: Claire, you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty.
Claire: No thank you.
Bender: How do you think he rides a bike? Oh, and Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy like this?
Claire: Can't you just leave me alone?
Bender: I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car. Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.
Claire: You know what I wish I was doing right now...?
Bender: Uh-uh, watch what you say; Brian here's a cherry.
Brian: A cherry?
Claire: I wish I was on a plane...to France...
Brian: [quietly, to John only] I'm not a cherry.
Bender: When have you ever gotten laid?
Brian: I've laid lots of times.
Bender: Name-one.
Brian: She lives in Canada. I met her at Niagra Falls; you wouldn't know her.
Bender: You ever laid anyone around here? [Brian, nervous that Claire might hear, motions for John to quiet down.] Oh...you and Claire did it...
Claire: What are you talking about?
Brian: Nothing, nothing. [to John] Let's just talk about it later, just drop it--
Claire: --No, drop what? What are you talking about?
Bender: Well, in addition the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that currently you and he are riding the hobby horse.
Claire: Little pig!
Brian: No, I'm not, I'm--John said I was I cherry, I said I wasn't! That's it! That's all that was said!
Bender: Well, then what were you motioning to Claire for?
Claire: You know, I don't appreciate this, Brian.
Brian: He is lying!
Bender: Oh, you weren't motioning to Claire?
Brian: [hesitantly] You know he's lying, right?
Bender: Were you, or were you not, motioning to Claire?
Brian: Yeah, but it's...it's because I didn't want her to know I was a virgin. [John and Claire stare at him for a moment.] Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry!
Claire: Why didn't you to want me to know you were a virgin?
Brian: 'Cause it's personal business! It's my personal, private business!
Bender: Well, Brian, it doesn't look like you have any business.
Claire: I think it's OK for a guy to be a virgin.
[John and Brian stare at Claire]
Brian: Really?
[Claire nods yes]
Claire: No thank you.
Bender: How do you think he rides a bike? Oh, and Claire, would you ever consider dating a guy like this?
Claire: Can't you just leave me alone?
Bender: I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car. Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun.
Claire: You know what I wish I was doing right now...?
Bender: Uh-uh, watch what you say; Brian here's a cherry.
Brian: A cherry?
Claire: I wish I was on a plane...to France...
Brian: [quietly, to John only] I'm not a cherry.
Bender: When have you ever gotten laid?
Brian: I've laid lots of times.
Bender: Name-one.
Brian: She lives in Canada. I met her at Niagra Falls; you wouldn't know her.
Bender: You ever laid anyone around here? [Brian, nervous that Claire might hear, motions for John to quiet down.] Oh...you and Claire did it...
Claire: What are you talking about?
Brian: Nothing, nothing. [to John] Let's just talk about it later, just drop it--
Claire: --No, drop what? What are you talking about?
Bender: Well, in addition the number of girls in the Niagra Falls area, that currently you and he are riding the hobby horse.
Claire: Little pig!
Brian: No, I'm not, I'm--John said I was I cherry, I said I wasn't! That's it! That's all that was said!
Bender: Well, then what were you motioning to Claire for?
Claire: You know, I don't appreciate this, Brian.
Brian: He is lying!
Bender: Oh, you weren't motioning to Claire?
Brian: [hesitantly] You know he's lying, right?
Bender: Were you, or were you not, motioning to Claire?
Brian: Yeah, but it's...it's because I didn't want her to know I was a virgin. [John and Claire stare at him for a moment.] Excuse me for being a virgin, I'm sorry!
Claire: Why didn't you to want me to know you were a virgin?
Brian: 'Cause it's personal business! It's my personal, private business!
Bender: Well, Brian, it doesn't look like you have any business.
Claire: I think it's OK for a guy to be a virgin.
[John and Brian stare at Claire]
Brian: Really?
[Claire nods yes]
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Bender: What's that?
Claire: Sushi.
Bender: Sushi?
Claire: Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.
Bender: You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that?
Claire: Can I eat?
Bender: I don't know...give it a try.
Claire: Sushi.
Bender: Sushi?
Claire: Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.
Bender: You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that?
Claire: Can I eat?
Bender: I don't know...give it a try.
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Bender: PB & J with the crusts cut off... Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch; all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian: Uh, no, Mr. Johnson...
Bender: Ah. Here's my impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, pal?" "Great, Dad! How's yours?" "Super! Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Dear, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" [kiss, then mimes punching]
Andrew: All right, what about your family?
Bender: My family? Oh, that's easy. "Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned free loading son-of-a-bitch! ****ed, big mouth, know-it-all asshole jerk!" "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful!" "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!" "What about you, Dad?" "**** you!" "No, Dad, what about you?" "**** you!" "No, Dad, what about you?!" "**** you!" [mimes punching]
Brian: Is that for real?
Bender: You wanna come over some time?
Andrew: That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it.
Bender: You don't believe me?
Andrew: No.
Bender: No?
Andrew: Did I stutter?
[John approaches Andrew and lifts his sleeve to show a burn on his arm. Claire and Andrew look away afterwards.]
Bender: Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. See I don't think that I need to sit here with you ****in' dildos anymore!
Brian: Uh, no, Mr. Johnson...
Bender: Ah. Here's my impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, pal?" "Great, Dad! How's yours?" "Super! Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Dear, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" [kiss, then mimes punching]
Andrew: All right, what about your family?
Bender: My family? Oh, that's easy. "Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned free loading son-of-a-bitch! ****ed, big mouth, know-it-all asshole jerk!" "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful!" "Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!" "What about you, Dad?" "**** you!" "No, Dad, what about you?" "**** you!" "No, Dad, what about you?!" "**** you!" [mimes punching]
Brian: Is that for real?
Bender: You wanna come over some time?
Andrew: That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it.
Bender: You don't believe me?
Andrew: No.
Bender: No?
Andrew: Did I stutter?
[John approaches Andrew and lifts his sleeve to show a burn on his arm. Claire and Andrew look away afterwards.]
Bender: Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. See I don't think that I need to sit here with you ****in' dildos anymore!
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Vernon: Mr. Wiseguy here has taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium. I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day.
Bender: B-O-O H-O-O.
Vernon: Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they? What if your home, what if your family--what if your dope was on fire?
Bender: Impossible, sir; it's in Johnson's underwear.
[Andrew laughs.]
Vernon: You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years! You'll see how goddamn funny he is! What's the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let's go...
[Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder.]
Bender: Hey, keep your ****in' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick!
Bender: B-O-O H-O-O.
Vernon: Everything's a big joke, huh Bender? The false alarm you pulled, Friday, false alarms are really funny, aren't they? What if your home, what if your family--what if your dope was on fire?
Bender: Impossible, sir; it's in Johnson's underwear.
[Andrew laughs.]
Vernon: You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin', is that it? Lemme tell you something. Look at him, he's a bum. You wanna see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years! You'll see how goddamn funny he is! What's the matter, John? You gonna cry? Let's go...
[Vernon grabs Bender's shoulder.]
Bender: Hey, keep your ****in' hands off me! I expect better manners from you, Dick!
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Vernon: That's the last time, Bender. That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids, do you hear me? I make $31,000 dollars a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you, but someday, man, someday. When you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place, and they've forgotten all about you and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you, man, I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt!
Bender: Are you threatening me?
Vernon: What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy; you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy--come on, come on, get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing... [Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes a punch and Bender flinches.] That's what I though...you're a gutless turd!
Bender: Are you threatening me?
Vernon: What're you gonna do about it? You think anybody's gonna believe you? You think anybody's gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here, I'm a swell guy; you're a lying sack of shit! And everybody knows it. Oh, you're a real tough guy--come on, come on, get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are! I wanna know right now how tough you are! Come on! I'll give you the first punch, let's go! Come on, right here, just take the first shot! Please, I'm begging you, take a shot! Come on, just take one shot, that's all I need, just one swing... [Bender just sits there staring at Vernon. Vernon fakes a punch and Bender flinches.] That's what I though...you're a gutless turd!
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Brian: Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?
Allison: Yeah, I always carry this much shit in my bag. You never know when you may have to jam.
Brian: Are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You know like, sit in alleyways and like talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing?
Allison: I'll do what I have to do.
Brian: Why do you have to do anything?
Allison: My home life is un-satisfying...
Brian: So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of the Chicago streets because your home life is unsatisfying?
Allison: I don't have to run away and live in the street; I can run away and, go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan...
Brian: Andy...you wanna get in on this? Allison here says, she wants to run away, because her home life is unsatisfying.
Andrew: Well everyone's home lives are unsatisfying. If it wasn't, people would live with there parents forever.
Brian: Yeah, yeah I understand. But I think that hers goes beyond, you know, what guys like you and me consider normal unsatisfying.
Allison: Never mind, forget it, everything's cool.
Andrew: What's the deal?
Allison: No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone.
Andrew: Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away.
Allison: Eat shit!
Brian: The girl is an island, with herself.
Allison: Yeah, I always carry this much shit in my bag. You never know when you may have to jam.
Brian: Are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You know like, sit in alleyways and like talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing?
Allison: I'll do what I have to do.
Brian: Why do you have to do anything?
Allison: My home life is un-satisfying...
Brian: So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of the Chicago streets because your home life is unsatisfying?
Allison: I don't have to run away and live in the street; I can run away and, go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I can go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan...
Brian: Andy...you wanna get in on this? Allison here says, she wants to run away, because her home life is unsatisfying.
Andrew: Well everyone's home lives are unsatisfying. If it wasn't, people would live with there parents forever.
Brian: Yeah, yeah I understand. But I think that hers goes beyond, you know, what guys like you and me consider normal unsatisfying.
Allison: Never mind, forget it, everything's cool.
Andrew: What's the deal?
Allison: No! There's no deal, Sporto. Forget it, leave me alone.
Andrew: Wait a minute, now you're carrying all that crap around in your purse. Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away.
Allison: Eat shit!
Brian: The girl is an island, with herself.
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[Andrew approaches Allison.]
Andrew: Hey, what's wrong? You wanna talk about it?
Allison: No.
Andrew: Why not?
Allison: Go away.
Andrew: Where do you want me to go?
Allison: Go away! [Andrew hesitantly leaves her be.] You have problems.
Andrew: Oh, I have problems?
Allison: You do everything everyone ever tells you to do! That is a problem!
Andrew: Okay, fine. But I didn't dump my bag on the couch and invite everyone into my problems. [He begins to approach her again.] Did I? Now, tell me. What's wrong? Is it bad? Really bad? Parents?
[A moment passes silently.]
Allison: (softly) Yeah.
Andrew: What do they do to you?
Allison: (hesitantly) They ignore me.
Andrew: Hey, what's wrong? You wanna talk about it?
Allison: No.
Andrew: Why not?
Allison: Go away.
Andrew: Where do you want me to go?
Allison: Go away! [Andrew hesitantly leaves her be.] You have problems.
Andrew: Oh, I have problems?
Allison: You do everything everyone ever tells you to do! That is a problem!
Andrew: Okay, fine. But I didn't dump my bag on the couch and invite everyone into my problems. [He begins to approach her again.] Did I? Now, tell me. What's wrong? Is it bad? Really bad? Parents?
[A moment passes silently.]
Allison: (softly) Yeah.
Andrew: What do they do to you?
Allison: (hesitantly) They ignore me.
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Vernon: What did you want to be when you were young?
Carl: When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.
Vernon: Carl, don't be a goof. I'm trying to make a serious point here. I've been teaching, for twenty two years, and each year, these kids get more and more arrogant.
Carl: Aw bullshit, man. Come on Vern, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off and then you found out it was actually work and that really bummed you out.
Vernon: These kids turned on me. They think I'm a big ****in' joke.
Carl: Come on...listen Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh?
Vernon: Hey, Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?
Carl: Yes, I do.
Vernon: You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be runnin' the country.
Carl: Yeah?
Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night; that when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.
Carl: I wouldn't count on it.
Carl: When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.
Vernon: Carl, don't be a goof. I'm trying to make a serious point here. I've been teaching, for twenty two years, and each year, these kids get more and more arrogant.
Carl: Aw bullshit, man. Come on Vern, the kids haven't changed, you have! You took a teaching position, 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right? Thought you could have summer vacations off and then you found out it was actually work and that really bummed you out.
Vernon: These kids turned on me. They think I'm a big ****in' joke.
Carl: Come on...listen Vern, if you were sixteen, what would you think of you, huh?
Vernon: Hey, Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?
Carl: Yes, I do.
Vernon: You think about this...when you get old, these kids; when I get old, they're gonna be runnin' the country.
Carl: Yeah?
Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night; that when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.
Carl: I wouldn't count on it.
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Allison: I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.
Claire: You're lying.
Allison: I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Claire: Lie.
Brian: Are your parents aware of this?
Allison: The only person I told was my shrink.
Andrew: And what'd he do when you told him?
Allison: He nailed me.
Claire: Very nice.
Allison: I don't think it can be construed as rape since I paid him.
Claire: He's an adult!
Allison: Yeah. He's married, too.
Claire: Ugh, do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison: Well, the first few times--
Claire: The first few times?! You mean, you've done it more than once?! Are you crazy?!
Brian: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Allison: Have you ever done it?
Claire: I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Allison: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire: Didn't we already cover this?
Bender: You never answered the question.
Claire: Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.
Allison: It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Claire: A what?
Allison: Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Claire: Wrong.
Allison: ...Or, are you a tease?
Andrew: She's a tease.
Claire: Why don't you just drop it?
Andrew: You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!
Bender: She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
Claire: I don't do anything!
Allison: That's why you're a tease.
Claire: Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.
Allison: I've already told you everything!
Claire: No, doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean don't you want any respect?
Allison: I don't screw to get respect; that's the difference between you and me.
Claire: Not the only difference, I hope.
Bender: Face it, you're a tease.
Claire: I'm not a tease!
Bender: Sure you are! Sex is a weapon! You said it yourself; you use it to get respect!
Claire: No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.
Bender: Oh, then what do you use it for?
Claire: I don't use it period!
Bender: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
Claire: I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!
Bender: Well if you'd just answer the question...
Brian: Why don't you just answer the question?
Andrew: Be honest...
Bender: No big deal...
Brian: Yeah, answer it!
Andrew: Answer the question, Claire!
Bender: Talk to us!
Andrew and Brian: Come on, answer the question!
Bender: It's easy, it's only one question!
Claire: No! I never did it!
Allison: I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar.
Claire: You're lying.
Allison: I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Claire: Lie.
Brian: Are your parents aware of this?
Allison: The only person I told was my shrink.
Andrew: And what'd he do when you told him?
Allison: He nailed me.
Claire: Very nice.
Allison: I don't think it can be construed as rape since I paid him.
Claire: He's an adult!
Allison: Yeah. He's married, too.
Claire: Ugh, do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison: Well, the first few times--
Claire: The first few times?! You mean, you've done it more than once?! Are you crazy?!
Brian: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Allison: Have you ever done it?
Claire: I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Allison: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire: Didn't we already cover this?
Bender: You never answered the question.
Claire: Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.
Allison: It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Claire: A what?
Allison: Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Claire: Wrong.
Allison: ...Or, are you a tease?
Andrew: She's a tease.
Claire: Why don't you just drop it?
Andrew: You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases!
Bender: She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
Claire: I don't do anything!
Allison: That's why you're a tease.
Claire: Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.
Allison: I've already told you everything!
Claire: No, doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? I mean don't you want any respect?
Allison: I don't screw to get respect; that's the difference between you and me.
Claire: Not the only difference, I hope.
Bender: Face it, you're a tease.
Claire: I'm not a tease!
Bender: Sure you are! Sex is a weapon! You said it yourself; you use it to get respect!
Claire: No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.
Bender: Oh, then what do you use it for?
Claire: I don't use it period!
Bender: Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
Claire: I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth!
Bender: Well if you'd just answer the question...
Brian: Why don't you just answer the question?
Andrew: Be honest...
Bender: No big deal...
Brian: Yeah, answer it!
Andrew: Answer the question, Claire!
Bender: Talk to us!
Andrew and Brian: Come on, answer the question!
Bender: It's easy, it's only one question!
Claire: No! I never did it!
Allison: I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar.
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Andrew [referring to his act of taping a classmate's buttocks together]: The bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda...he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...****ing humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean, I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I ****ing hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.
Bender: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
Brian: It's like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
Claire: What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?
Brian: 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um--and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on. My light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average.
Bender: Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Brian: Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
Bender: I take shop. You must be a ****in' idiot!
Brian: I'm a ****in' idiot because I can't make a lamp?
Bender: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
Brian: What do you know about Trigonometry?
Bender: I could care less about Trigonometry.
Brian: Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?
Bender: Without lamps, there'd be no light.
Bender: I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
Brian: It's like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.
Claire: What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?
Brian: 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um--and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on. My light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average.
Bender: Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Brian: Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
Bender: I take shop. You must be a ****in' idiot!
Brian: I'm a ****in' idiot because I can't make a lamp?
Bender: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
Brian: What do you know about Trigonometry?
Bender: I could care less about Trigonometry.
Brian: Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?
Bender: Without lamps, there'd be no light.
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Bender: That was great, Claire. My image of you is totally blown.
Allison: You're a shit! Don't do that to her you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!
Bender: Am I laughing?
Andrew: You ****ing prick!
Bender: What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? [to Claire] And you...don't like me anyway.
Claire: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them!
Bender: God, you're so pathetic! Don't you ever, ever compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! ****in' Rapunzel, right? School would probably ****ing shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire.
Claire: Shut up.
Bender: Are those real diamonds, Claire?
Claire: Shut up!
Bender: I bet they are. Did you work, for the money, for those earrings?
Claire: Shut your mouth!
Bender: Or did your daddy buy those?
Claire: Shut up!
Bender: I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner ****in' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?
Allison: You're a shit! Don't do that to her you swore to God you wouldn't laugh!
Bender: Am I laughing?
Andrew: You ****ing prick!
Bender: What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? [to Claire] And you...don't like me anyway.
Claire: You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them!
Bender: God, you're so pathetic! Don't you ever, ever compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! ****in' Rapunzel, right? School would probably ****ing shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire.
Claire: Shut up.
Bender: Are those real diamonds, Claire?
Claire: Shut up!
Bender: I bet they are. Did you work, for the money, for those earrings?
Claire: Shut your mouth!
Bender: Or did your daddy buy those?
Claire: Shut up!
Bender: I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner ****in' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay?
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Andrew: My God, are we gonna be like our parents?
Claire: (teary) Not me...ever
Allison: It's unavoidable, it just happens.
Claire: What happens?
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
Claire: (teary) Not me...ever
Allison: It's unavoidable, it just happens.
Claire: What happens?
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
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Brian: So, so on Monday...what happens?
Claire: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
Brian: Yeah.
Claire: Do you want the truth?
Brian: Yeah, I want the truth.
Claire: I don't think so.
Allison: With all of us, or just John?
Claire: All of us...
Andrew: That's a real nice attitude, Claire!
Claire: Oh, be honest, Andy. If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sportos. I know exactly what you'd do; you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!
Andrew: No way...
Allison: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?
Claire: Same exact thing.
Bender: You are a bitch!
Claire: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
Bender: No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
Claire: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Bender: Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends, so you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor-rich-drunk mother in the Caribbean!
Claire: SHUT UP!!!
Bender: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand, and wait for your ****in' prom!
Claire: I hate you!
Bender: Yeah? Good!
Claire: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
Brian: Yeah.
Claire: Do you want the truth?
Brian: Yeah, I want the truth.
Claire: I don't think so.
Allison: With all of us, or just John?
Claire: All of us...
Andrew: That's a real nice attitude, Claire!
Claire: Oh, be honest, Andy. If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sportos. I know exactly what you'd do; you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!
Andrew: No way...
Allison: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?
Claire: Same exact thing.
Bender: You are a bitch!
Claire: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
Bender: No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
Claire: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Bender: Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends, so you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor-rich-drunk mother in the Caribbean!
Claire: SHUT UP!!!
Bender: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand, and wait for your ****in' prom!
Claire: I hate you!
Bender: Yeah? Good!
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Brian: I just wanna tell each of you that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty.
Claire: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.
Brian: You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself; why are you like that?
Claire: (teary) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!
Brian: Well then why do you do it?
Claire: I don't know, I don't--you don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!
Brian: I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well **** you! **** you! [Brian breaks down and begins to cry.] Know why I'm here today? Do you?! I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker.
Andrew: Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
Brian: I tried. You pull the ****in' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I...
Andrew: What's the gun for Brian?
Brian: Just forget it.
Andrew: You brought it up, man!
Brian: I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me.
Claire: Oh, Brian...
Brian: ****! So I considered my options, you know?
Claire: No! Killing yourself is not an option!
Brian: Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!
Allison: It was a hand gun?
Brian: No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker.
Andrew: Really? [starts to laugh]
Brian: It's not funny...
[Andrew tries to stop, but he continues laughing and everyone else begins to laugh.]
Brian: (laughing as well) Yes it is. ****in' elephant was destroyed!
Allison: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing; I didn't have anything better to do.
[Everyone continues to laugh, now at Allison.]
Allison: (still laughing from earlier) You're laughing at me!
Andrew: No...!
Allison: Yes, you are!
[Everyone, feeling better, continues to laugh.]
Claire: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.
Brian: You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself; why are you like that?
Claire: (teary) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!
Brian: Well then why do you do it?
Claire: I don't know, I don't--you don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!
Brian: I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well **** you! **** you! [Brian breaks down and begins to cry.] Know why I'm here today? Do you?! I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker.
Andrew: Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
Brian: I tried. You pull the ****in' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I...
Andrew: What's the gun for Brian?
Brian: Just forget it.
Andrew: You brought it up, man!
Brian: I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me.
Claire: Oh, Brian...
Brian: ****! So I considered my options, you know?
Claire: No! Killing yourself is not an option!
Brian: Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!
Allison: It was a hand gun?
Brian: No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker.
Andrew: Really? [starts to laugh]
Brian: It's not funny...
[Andrew tries to stop, but he continues laughing and everyone else begins to laugh.]
Brian: (laughing as well) Yes it is. ****in' elephant was destroyed!
Allison: You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing; I didn't have anything better to do.
[Everyone continues to laugh, now at Allison.]
Allison: (still laughing from earlier) You're laughing at me!
Andrew: No...!
Allison: Yes, you are!
[Everyone, feeling better, continues to laugh.]