Caddyshack quotes

View Quote Danny: I've just got to win that caddy tournament! I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.
Ty: Why do you want to go to college?
Danny: I don't know.
Ty: Let me tell you a story. I once knew a guy who could've been a great golfer. Could've gone pro. All he needed was a little time and some practice. He decided to go to college instead. He went for four years. Did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester, he was kicked out. You know what for? He was night-putting. Just putting at night...with the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean. You know who that guy was?
Danny: No.
Ty: Take one good guess.
Danny: Bob Hope.
Ty: No, that guy was Mitch ****stein, my roommate. He's a good guy. Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny. The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote: 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a danish'. Funny guy.

View Quote Danny: Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails: Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here. So I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny: I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails: Good. Good. You know, despite what happened I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for. Goodness...or badness.
Danny: I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!
Judge Smails: Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal......"Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
Danny: Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?

View Quote Dr. Beeper: Hold on, Judge! That's my office. I better get going.
Judge Smails: No. You're in for half of $80,000.
Dr. Beeper: Probably just a routine emergency.

View Quote Dr. Beeper: Webb, I didn't see your name on the sign-in sheet for the Club tournament. I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

View Quote Golfer: Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made a deal with the devil!
Bishop: You know, theoretically, I could break the Club record.
Golfer: You better come in until this blows over.
Bishop: So what do you think?
Carl: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[Bishop continues to golf in the rain, hitting amazing shot after amazing shot, with Carl admiring him the entire time. On the last hole, he misses a long putt.]
Bishop: OH RAT FARTS!!!!!
[Bishop is struck by lightning.]

View Quote Judge Smails: Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: It must be a nice change from dreary, old Manhattan.
Lacey: Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.

View Quote Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? In private.
Ty: Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails: Your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this Club, he and I! Let's face it. Some people simply do not belong. Let's not...cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
[Ty and Judge Smails laugh]
Ty: Let's make it $40,000.
Czervik: Great!
Ty: My dad...never liked you.

View Quote Judge Smails: Get dressed Spaulding, you're playing golf today.
Spaulding: No I'm not Grandpa, I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails: No, you're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spaulding: But what about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.

View Quote Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction!
Czervik: Oh, you want satisfaction? I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash! I'll shoot you 18 holes for $10,000.
Judge Smails: [laughs] Why, I could beat you with one arm.
Czervik: How about teams for $20,000? You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."
Dr. Beeper: I beg your pardon!
Czervik: And I'll take Ty.
Ty: Hey, fellows. Don't include me. I don't have time.
Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty: You might say that.

View Quote Judge Smails: I'm having a party at the Yacht Club this Sunday. I'm christening my new sloop. What are you doing this Sunday?
Danny: No plans.
Judge Smails: Great! How would you like to mow my lawn? I figured a college-bound fellow could use a few extra dollars. And when you're finished why don't you drop by the Yacht Club? Eh? Huh? [laughs]

View Quote Judge Smails: The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He's breaking the law!
Danny: I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.
Judge Smails: Really? What areas?
Danny: All areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes....I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: The world needs ditchdiggers, too.
Lacey: Nice try.

View Quote Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty: By height.

View Quote Judge Smails: You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Czervik: Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?
Judge Smails: Bushwood...a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Czervik: Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Judge Smails: Su-su-su-...
Czervik: That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!
Judge Smails: B-b-Buy Bushwood! You...?

View Quote Judge Smails: You know Ty, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

View Quote Lacey: I tried calling, but there is no listing for "Mr. Wonderful."
Ty: What spelling did you use? Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here. I'm getting ready for the season.
Lacey: Duck?
Ty: No, no. Dolphin. Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Lacey: Anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Ty: No, I brought most of that stuff back from Vietnam.
Lacey: You were in the war?
Ty: Uh...no....Homo. Much better now though.