Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool quotes

View Quote [while singing along to Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa, he notices the camera] What–oh! Oh hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." And let me tell you, [In an Australian accent] he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. [normally] Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and–oh! Bad guys to kill!

View Quote [to Vanessa, who is grabbing the testicles of a man who made a pass at her] Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas.

View Quote Maximum effort!

View Quote [in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?

View Quote [after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.

View Quote [losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! ****! 8! Shit-****!

View Quote You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns.

View Quote [Tries to shoot a motorcycle-riding goon, and fails] Bad Deadpool. [casually] 7. [shoots a wounded goon dead] Good Deadpool.

View Quote A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's, like, sixteen walls!

View Quote [Walks by Blind Al and farts] Hashtag, "#driveby."

View Quote [to Vanessa] Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair" shitshow. And under no cir****stances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me.

View Quote I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

View Quote [before a montage where he asks Ajax's henchpeople where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!

View Quote You're about to be killed... by a Zamboni!

View Quote [when entering a taxi cab] And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up.

View Quote [to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [****s his pistol] blurry!

View Quote TELL ME WHERE YOUR ****ING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!

View Quote [puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow.

View Quote You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants.

View Quote [after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a ****ing kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…

View Quote [after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?

View Quote [to Colossus] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking mother****er, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!

View Quote All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex! [after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms]

View Quote You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]

View Quote [before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-****in'-changas!

View Quote Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

View Quote [after realizing he forgot his guns; he tries calling the cab driver, but gets his voicemail instead] [angrily] Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music.

View Quote [Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.

View Quote [after landing, Angel Dust toward Deadpool] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex.

View Quote [voiceover; while he and Vanessa kiss passionately] See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ♪ I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you. Oh-oh-oh. ♪

View Quote [in a post-credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What were you expecting? Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. [He walks away. Credits resume. Cut back to Deadpool] Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley; she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. [walks away, pops his head back in] Chicka chi-kaah! [End of film]