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Strip club DJ (Stan Lee): You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!
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TELL ME WHERE YOUR ****ING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!
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Weapon X recruiter (Agent Smith): Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "**** it"!
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Ajax: Wade Wilson! What's my name?!
Deadpool: [To himself] Oh, I'm gonna ****ing spell it out for ya!
[Later]
Deadpool: Yoo-hoo!
[Ajax looks down and sees that "FRANCIS" is spelled out by all the dead henchmen Deadpool has killed]
Deadpool: [To himself] Oh, I'm gonna ****ing spell it out for ya!
[Later]
Deadpool: Yoo-hoo!
[Ajax looks down and sees that "FRANCIS" is spelled out by all the dead henchmen Deadpool has killed]
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Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade: Let's recap! The ****thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. [Looks at his bloody stump of a left hand] Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. [walks out while holding a toy unicorn and farting on Blind Al] Hashtag, #driveby.
Wade: Let's recap! The ****thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. [Looks at his bloody stump of a left hand] Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. [walks out while holding a toy unicorn and farting on Blind Al] Hashtag, #driveby.
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Colossus: [handcuffing Deadpool] Let us go talk to the Professor.
Wade: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. [groans as Colossus drags him along] "Dead or alive, you are coming with me!"
Colossus: You'll recover, Wade. You always do.
Wade: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. [groans as Colossus drags him along] "Dead or alive, you are coming with me!"
Colossus: You'll recover, Wade. You always do.
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Deadpool: [on Negasonic Teenage Warhead's shaved head] Ripley, from Alien³!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ****, you're old.
Deadpool: HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [from inside the X-Mansion] Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like... the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead looks both annoyed and confused]
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ****, you're old.
Deadpool: HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [from inside the X-Mansion] Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like... the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead looks both annoyed and confused]
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Deadpool: And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage wwwWHAT THE SHIT?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
Colossus: No, trainee.
Deadpool: Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, shit detail?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: What does that make you?
Deadpool: Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Can we go?
Deadpool: "Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences!" So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [deadpan] You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: AH-HA!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage wwwWHAT THE SHIT?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
Colossus: No, trainee.
Deadpool: Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, shit detail?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: What does that make you?
Deadpool: Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Can we go?
Deadpool: "Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences!" So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [deadpan] You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: AH-HA!
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Deadpool: Finish ****ing her the **** up!
Colossus: [annoyed] Language, please!
Deadpool: [angrily] Suck a ****!
Colossus: [annoyed] Language, please!
Deadpool: [angrily] Suck a ****!
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Deadpool: Well, I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve - 'cause I'mma go lookin'!
Ajax: I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow you back.
Deadpool: Good one. [to camera] Yup, that was a good one. [to Ajax] Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other!
Ajax: I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow you back.
Deadpool: Good one. [to camera] Yup, that was a good one. [to Ajax] Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other!
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Deadpool: Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
Colossus: You know I can hear you?
Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them!
Colossus: You know I can hear you?
Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them!
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Dopinder: Who brought this twinkly man?
Deadpool: Twinkly... but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.
Colossus: Is not boy-band!
Deadpool: Sure it's not.
Deadpool: Twinkly... but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.
Colossus: Is not boy-band!
Deadpool: Sure it's not.
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Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Wade Wilson: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh... [checking his Adventure Time themed watch] fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Wade: This shit... [lifts his mask, showing his scarred face] Boo!
Wade Wilson: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh... [checking his Adventure Time themed watch] fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Wade: This shit... [lifts his mask, showing his scarred face] Boo!
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Francis: Jeez, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
Deadpool: Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it? [wiggles his katana] Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. [raises his fist to punch Francis, but is stopped by a loud clang, and feels something metallic, which is Colossus' crotch] [confused] Dad?
Deadpool: Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it? [wiggles his katana] Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. [raises his fist to punch Francis, but is stopped by a loud clang, and feels something metallic, which is Colossus' crotch] [confused] Dad?
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Vanessa: [after Angel Dust rips the tape off her mouth] Thanks, dickless. [to Ajax] And I mean you.
Ajax: Wow, you're a talker, too. You and Wade.
Vanessa: I've been trying to tell you assholes, you got the wrong girl! My old boyfriend, he's dead.
Ajax: See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a ****roach, but uglier. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.
Ajax: Wow, you're a talker, too. You and Wade.
Vanessa: I've been trying to tell you assholes, you got the wrong girl! My old boyfriend, he's dead.
Ajax: See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a ****roach, but uglier. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.