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All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDPA!!
Grandpa: Next year, I want a chocolate cake!
Greg: That is if you're alive next year.
[Grandpa looks hurt]
Susan: [angrily] Greg!
Greg: Honesty, Mom!
Grandpa: Next year, I want a chocolate cake!
Greg: That is if you're alive next year.
[Grandpa looks hurt]
Susan: [angrily] Greg!
Greg: Honesty, Mom!
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Greg: [notices that it is almost 8:00] I'm going in. [to Rowley] Cover me!
[Greg scooches towards Holly; Just then, the lights dim, and "Always" by Atlantic Starr begins playing]
Bill: [over P.A.] All rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're lookin' for love. It's time for Couples Skate!
Greg: I'm making my move. [prepares to tap Holly on the shoulder]
Bill: [over P.A.] STOP!!!! [The music stops; Greg turns around] Enough of that total lameness! Who's ready to ROCK?! Yeah! [plays the intro to "Cut Throat" by Kittie]
Rodrick: [makes the "Double Horns" sign with both hands] Whoo!
[Greg stares at Rodrick in disbelief. Rodrick smiles evilly]
Holly: Come on, let's get outta here. Come on. [she and her friends exit the rink]
[A crowd of violent teenagers enter the rink. They brutally bump into others knocking them over]
Rowley: [panicking] What're we gonna do?!
Greg: Stay calm. All we have to do is just stay here.
[Two teenagers grab Rowley and start dragging him along. Rowley screams]
Greg: Rowley! Hang on!
Rowley: [screaming] WHOOOOOOOA!!!
[Greg tries to rescue Rowley, but another teenager knocks him flat on his face. As Greg picks himself up, the sound of a record scratching is heard and the music comes to an abrupt stop]
Susan: [over P.A.] GREG HEFFLEY! This is your mother! Everything is going to be okay. Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you. I repeat, everything is going to be okay. Okay, here he comes. Here comes Frank. I see him. He's on his way. Okay.
[Dad struts out into the middle of the rink and picks Greg up, carrying him off]
Greg: Dad!
Frank: I know, I know.
[Holly's friends giggle, but Holly isn't amused]
Susan: [over P.A.] Okay. Alright. Everyone, go back to skating!
[As Dad sets Greg back on his feet, everyone resumes skating]
Frank: You all right?
Greg: Yeah.
[Rodrick approaches]
Rodrick: Hey, Romeo. How'd it go with the new girl?
Greg: [grunts and lunges at Rodrick, screaming] WHOOOA!!!!
[Greg lands onto Taylor's birthday cake. Rodrick laughs. Greg picks himself up off the smashed cake, his face covered in frosting]
Taylor: [lividly; to Greg] You ruined my birthday! You jerk!
[Greg scooches towards Holly; Just then, the lights dim, and "Always" by Atlantic Starr begins playing]
Bill: [over P.A.] All rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're lookin' for love. It's time for Couples Skate!
Greg: I'm making my move. [prepares to tap Holly on the shoulder]
Bill: [over P.A.] STOP!!!! [The music stops; Greg turns around] Enough of that total lameness! Who's ready to ROCK?! Yeah! [plays the intro to "Cut Throat" by Kittie]
Rodrick: [makes the "Double Horns" sign with both hands] Whoo!
[Greg stares at Rodrick in disbelief. Rodrick smiles evilly]
Holly: Come on, let's get outta here. Come on. [she and her friends exit the rink]
[A crowd of violent teenagers enter the rink. They brutally bump into others knocking them over]
Rowley: [panicking] What're we gonna do?!
Greg: Stay calm. All we have to do is just stay here.
[Two teenagers grab Rowley and start dragging him along. Rowley screams]
Greg: Rowley! Hang on!
Rowley: [screaming] WHOOOOOOOA!!!
[Greg tries to rescue Rowley, but another teenager knocks him flat on his face. As Greg picks himself up, the sound of a record scratching is heard and the music comes to an abrupt stop]
Susan: [over P.A.] GREG HEFFLEY! This is your mother! Everything is going to be okay. Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you. I repeat, everything is going to be okay. Okay, here he comes. Here comes Frank. I see him. He's on his way. Okay.
[Dad struts out into the middle of the rink and picks Greg up, carrying him off]
Greg: Dad!
Frank: I know, I know.
[Holly's friends giggle, but Holly isn't amused]
Susan: [over P.A.] Okay. Alright. Everyone, go back to skating!
[As Dad sets Greg back on his feet, everyone resumes skating]
Frank: You all right?
Greg: Yeah.
[Rodrick approaches]
Rodrick: Hey, Romeo. How'd it go with the new girl?
Greg: [grunts and lunges at Rodrick, screaming] WHOOOA!!!!
[Greg lands onto Taylor's birthday cake. Rodrick laughs. Greg picks himself up off the smashed cake, his face covered in frosting]
Taylor: [lividly; to Greg] You ruined my birthday! You jerk!
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Greg: It looks fake. It has to look real.
Rowley: But how do I fake it if I'm actually falling backwards?
Greg: Maybe you need a gimmick so people notice you. Oh. [gives Rowley a pair of underwear] Wear this on your head. [Rowley puts his underwear on his head] Now do it again.
Rowley: Why can't you be the one that falls backwards in the chair?
Greg: Because. I'm not the one wearing the underwear on my head.
Rowley: But how do I fake it if I'm actually falling backwards?
Greg: Maybe you need a gimmick so people notice you. Oh. [gives Rowley a pair of underwear] Wear this on your head. [Rowley puts his underwear on his head] Now do it again.
Rowley: Why can't you be the one that falls backwards in the chair?
Greg: Because. I'm not the one wearing the underwear on my head.
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Greg: It's unbelievable. Even at school, Rodrick is ruining my life.
Rowley: Shh. [whispers, pointing to Rodrick who is sleeping on the couch] He might hear you.
Greg: Nah! Watch.
[Greg drums loudly on Manny's toy drum in Rodrick's face. He remains asleep]
Rowley: Holy cow!
Greg: He once slept through an entire day.
Rowley: Shh. [whispers, pointing to Rodrick who is sleeping on the couch] He might hear you.
Greg: Nah! Watch.
[Greg drums loudly on Manny's toy drum in Rodrick's face. He remains asleep]
Rowley: Holy cow!
Greg: He once slept through an entire day.
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Greg: Rodrick, help! The door's closed!
Rodrick: Yeah and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle schooler ruining my party.
Greg: What? I thought it was our party.
Rodrick: It's my party. Now keep quiet or I'll lock you in the dryer!
Greg: RODRICK!!!
Rodrick: [mockingly] Greg!!
Rodrick: Yeah and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle schooler ruining my party.
Greg: What? I thought it was our party.
Rodrick: It's my party. Now keep quiet or I'll lock you in the dryer!
Greg: RODRICK!!!
Rodrick: [mockingly] Greg!!
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Holly Hills: Excuse me.
Greg: What?
Holly Hills: I said, "Excuse me". You're blocking the exit.
Greg: Oh, uh, [laughing] sorry.
Holly Hills: That's okay.
Greg: What?
Holly Hills: I said, "Excuse me". You're blocking the exit.
Greg: Oh, uh, [laughing] sorry.
Holly Hills: That's okay.
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Manny: Mommy! Look!
Susan: Mommy is looking. Mommy's looked a thousand times. Mommy just needs to go to the potty for one minute, okay?
Greg: No! NO!
Susan: Mommy is looking. Mommy's looked a thousand times. Mommy just needs to go to the potty for one minute, okay?
Greg: No! NO!
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Manny: Poopy.
[Greg looks down and sees he has chocolate on his pants]
Susan: Oh, Greg! It looks like he has a candy bar on there.
Greg: MANNY!
[Greg looks down and sees he has chocolate on his pants]
Susan: Oh, Greg! It looks like he has a candy bar on there.
Greg: MANNY!
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Patty: [to Greg] Your performance was pathetic, Greg Heffley! Only a moron would find humor in bird poop! [bird poops on Patty's hair] You stupid bird! [storms off furiously]
Holly: [to Greg] Oh, my gosh. You guys did great. That was really funny.
Greg: The unitard or the performance?
Holly: Both.
Holly: [to Greg] Oh, my gosh. You guys did great. That was really funny.
Greg: The unitard or the performance?
Holly: Both.
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Rodrick: [to Greg and Rowley about to pick up the phone] REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead.
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Rodrick: [whispering] We've got to keep them away from the bathroom.
Greg: For the next 10 years?
Rodrick: Listen to me. No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny; even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny, deny. Got it?
Greg: Got it. Deny, deny, deny.
[At school]
Rowley: It sounds to me like, "Lie, lie, lie." I kind of wish you hadn't told me.
Greg: Don't you understand? Rodrick isn't beating me up anymore.
Rowley: But how are they not going to notice that the lock's gone?
Greg: Please. They're like, 40.
Greg: For the next 10 years?
Rodrick: Listen to me. No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny; even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny, deny. Got it?
Greg: Got it. Deny, deny, deny.
[At school]
Rowley: It sounds to me like, "Lie, lie, lie." I kind of wish you hadn't told me.
Greg: Don't you understand? Rodrick isn't beating me up anymore.
Rowley: But how are they not going to notice that the lock's gone?
Greg: Please. They're like, 40.
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Rodrick: Hey, Greg. Can you break a leg or something so we can leave?
[Greg laughs and sighs. Rodrick realizes Greg is staring at Holly Hills]
Rodrick: Oh. [laughs] That'll never happen. Not a chance. There's no way that girl will EVER talk to you.
[Greg laughs and sighs. Rodrick realizes Greg is staring at Holly Hills]
Rodrick: Oh. [laughs] That'll never happen. Not a chance. There's no way that girl will EVER talk to you.
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Rodrick: Okay. Everything's cool here, right, Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Mom, and I have your number if I need you.
Susan: [on the phone] Okay, sweeties. We'll see you tomorrow. Good night.
Rodrick: [whispering angrily to the boys] Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-
Greg: You will what?
Rodrick: Just, stay out of my way... nerds.
Greg: Yeah, Mom, and I have your number if I need you.
Susan: [on the phone] Okay, sweeties. We'll see you tomorrow. Good night.
Rodrick: [whispering angrily to the boys] Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-
Greg: You will what?
Rodrick: Just, stay out of my way... nerds.
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Rodrick: This is huge, I've gotta call the band. W-We've gotta practice. THIS COULD BE OUR BIG BREAK!!!
Susan: Ah, ah, ah, wait a second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Rodrick: What? I showered yesterday. Smell.
Susan: Okay, okay, okay, okay. We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg.
Greg: You were serious?
Susan: Who knows? Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band. [gasps]
[The whole scene shifts over to the entire Heffley family, wearing matching outfits and performing with musical instruments]
Recorded music: [song: "Get Happy"] Hello, world. Here's a song that we're singin'. Come on, get happy! A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringin'. We'll make you happy!
Susan: Ah, ah, ah, wait a second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Rodrick: What? I showered yesterday. Smell.
Susan: Okay, okay, okay, okay. We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg.
Greg: You were serious?
Susan: Who knows? Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band. [gasps]
[The whole scene shifts over to the entire Heffley family, wearing matching outfits and performing with musical instruments]
Recorded music: [song: "Get Happy"] Hello, world. Here's a song that we're singin'. Come on, get happy! A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringin'. We'll make you happy!