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Susan: [on phone speaker] Hey, guys. Manny’s sick, and we’re on our way home. See you in an hour.
[Greg and Rodrick wake up, horrified]
Rodrick: Holy...
Greg: Moly! [gets up from the sofa and he and brother look around the messy house; to Rodrick] You are in so much trouble.
[A cartoon drawing shows Frank and Susan standing in front of Rodrick’s grave]
Rodrick: Me? You lied to Mom just as much as I did, and you know how she feels about lying. She’s gonna kill both of us!
[Another drawing shows Greg’s grave lying next to Rodrick’s and a vulture lands on the headstone]
Greg: You do the living room, I’ll start the kitchen, go!
[Greg and Rodrick wake up, horrified]
Rodrick: Holy...
Greg: Moly! [gets up from the sofa and he and brother look around the messy house; to Rodrick] You are in so much trouble.
[A cartoon drawing shows Frank and Susan standing in front of Rodrick’s grave]
Rodrick: Me? You lied to Mom just as much as I did, and you know how she feels about lying. She’s gonna kill both of us!
[Another drawing shows Greg’s grave lying next to Rodrick’s and a vulture lands on the headstone]
Greg: You do the living room, I’ll start the kitchen, go!
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Susan: [sternly enters Greg’s room] Greg, two words. Bathroom. Door.
[Greg anxiously hesitates to reply; Susan gives him a "Well?" look on her face]
Greg: [bursting out] IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!
Susan: I knew it. I knew it. [starts to leave the room]
Greg: [gets up from his desk and runs to the door and closes it] No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn’t a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That’s all it was.
Susan: We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.
[Greg anxiously hesitates to reply; Susan gives him a "Well?" look on her face]
Greg: [bursting out] IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!
Susan: I knew it. I knew it. [starts to leave the room]
Greg: [gets up from his desk and runs to the door and closes it] No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn’t a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That’s all it was.
Susan: We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.
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Susan: Greg, is there something you want to say to Rowley and his father?
Greg: [to Rowley and Mr Jefferson] I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover. At least nobody got hurt this time.
[Cuts to a flashback of Greg and rowley's sleepover]
Rowley: I'm a little birdy! I'm a little birdy! (falls of the bed and injures himself) My Kneebone!
[Cuts to the present, where Rowley and his father leave the Heffley house]
Greg: What?
Greg: [to Rowley and Mr Jefferson] I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover. At least nobody got hurt this time.
[Cuts to a flashback of Greg and rowley's sleepover]
Rowley: I'm a little birdy! I'm a little birdy! (falls of the bed and injures himself) My Kneebone!
[Cuts to the present, where Rowley and his father leave the Heffley house]
Greg: What?
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Susan: Well, you brought this on yourselves. You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye. You two will stay here together all weekend and work out your differences. And if you don't, I will... and trust me, you don't want any part of that. Do you understand?
Rodrick: Yes.
Greg: Yes.
Rodrick: Yes.
Greg: Yes.
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Taylor: POOP! HE'S POOPED HIS PANTS!
Greg: No, it isn't what it looks like! It isn't! It's chocolate! Chocolate, see? [eats a bit of it, then everyone in the church gets grossed out, so humiliated; Rodrick laughs] Hyah! [lunges at Rodrick as they have a scuffle on the floor]
Greg: No, it isn't what it looks like! It isn't! It's chocolate! Chocolate, see? [eats a bit of it, then everyone in the church gets grossed out, so humiliated; Rodrick laughs] Hyah! [lunges at Rodrick as they have a scuffle on the floor]
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Teacher: What's going on?
Patty: Greg Heffley [shows note] is passing me notes.
Greg: No, I wasn't!
Patty: Greg Heffley [shows note] is passing me notes.
Greg: No, I wasn't!
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[Frank and Susan wait unhappily in the hallway as Greg and Rodrick slowly come down the stairs]
Susan: Your father I have talked, and we've decided on your punishment.
Frank: Greg, you're grounded for two weeks. Also, no video games for two weeks.
Susan: Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month. As the ringleader, you are also grounded for a month.
Rodrick: Mom, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again.
Susan: I know you won't. And to make sure, we're also not allowing you to perform in the talent show.
Rodrick: [shocked] What? No. No, you can't do that, ground me for a year, I don't care, but you have to let me play in that show! This could be my big break.
Susan: I'm sorry.
Rodrick: [upset] Dad, come on, this isn't fair. I just got Bill in the band!
Frank: Actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help your case. Bill's kind of a jerk.
[Rodrick gives a silent "What?"]
Susan: Our decision is final.
[Greg looks silently at Rodrick; upset with his punishment, goes upstairs, and Greg follows along]
Rodrick: [whispers to Greg] You are so dead.
Susan: Your father I have talked, and we've decided on your punishment.
Frank: Greg, you're grounded for two weeks. Also, no video games for two weeks.
Susan: Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month. As the ringleader, you are also grounded for a month.
Rodrick: Mom, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again.
Susan: I know you won't. And to make sure, we're also not allowing you to perform in the talent show.
Rodrick: [shocked] What? No. No, you can't do that, ground me for a year, I don't care, but you have to let me play in that show! This could be my big break.
Susan: I'm sorry.
Rodrick: [upset] Dad, come on, this isn't fair. I just got Bill in the band!
Frank: Actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help your case. Bill's kind of a jerk.
[Rodrick gives a silent "What?"]
Susan: Our decision is final.
[Greg looks silently at Rodrick; upset with his punishment, goes upstairs, and Greg follows along]
Rodrick: [whispers to Greg] You are so dead.
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[Frank turns on the camera and the TV screen shows a photo of Rodrick pouring soda in a cup fountain with his party friends watching and is surprised]
Susan: Oh my God.
Frank: [turns to Rodrick, curious] Rodrick, can you explain what you're doing in this photo?
Rodrick: That's not me.
Frank: That's not you?
Rodrick: Nope.
Frank: Okay. How 'bout these? [scrolls through his camera showing more photos of Rodrick's house party; Susan is shocked and horrified as she puts her hand over her heart; then sets the camera down as it stops on the last photo of Greg and Rowley; angrily to Rodrick] I can't believe that you had a PARTY!
Susan: Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids, a band rehearsal!
Frank: Wait, Susan, you knew about this?
Susan: Yes. Yes, I knew.
Rodrick: [shocked, to Greg] Wha...? You told Mom?!
Frank: I knew they had a party!
Greg: It slipped out, but I took it back!
Susan: My instincts told me you weren't being honest! I should've trusted my instincts!
Frank: Wait! You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?
Greg: I still protected you! I threw Mom off your scent!
Rodrick: Great job. She has no idea!
Frank: We are supposed to be a team against them!
Susan: They were getting along so well I let it blind me to the truth!
Rodrick: Why were you taking pictures?!
Greg: It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures.
Susan: So I let it slide. And I am so sorry. Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out. [points to the bathroom door] I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for 2 weeks!
Frank: I knew that door had a lock on it! And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!
[Mr. Salz & Mrs. Kohan walk to the front door, about to leave]
Mr. Salz: We’re- We’re just gonna let ourselves out. I wouldn’t wanna write a column about this. [closes the door]
Frank: I'm going upstairs. To a bathroom that has a lock on it, and no one can tell me that it doesn't. [walks away]
Susan: [to her sons] I have to go talk to your father. [sighs] I will deal with you boys, later. [walks off]
Greg: Rodrick, I really didn't tell her! I mean maybe, sort of, but I made a deal with her and we had a really good time and...
Rodrick: You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend. [walks upstairs]
Susan: Oh my God.
Frank: [turns to Rodrick, curious] Rodrick, can you explain what you're doing in this photo?
Rodrick: That's not me.
Frank: That's not you?
Rodrick: Nope.
Frank: Okay. How 'bout these? [scrolls through his camera showing more photos of Rodrick's house party; Susan is shocked and horrified as she puts her hand over her heart; then sets the camera down as it stops on the last photo of Greg and Rowley; angrily to Rodrick] I can't believe that you had a PARTY!
Susan: Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids, a band rehearsal!
Frank: Wait, Susan, you knew about this?
Susan: Yes. Yes, I knew.
Rodrick: [shocked, to Greg] Wha...? You told Mom?!
Frank: I knew they had a party!
Greg: It slipped out, but I took it back!
Susan: My instincts told me you weren't being honest! I should've trusted my instincts!
Frank: Wait! You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?
Greg: I still protected you! I threw Mom off your scent!
Rodrick: Great job. She has no idea!
Frank: We are supposed to be a team against them!
Susan: They were getting along so well I let it blind me to the truth!
Rodrick: Why were you taking pictures?!
Greg: It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures.
Susan: So I let it slide. And I am so sorry. Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out. [points to the bathroom door] I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for 2 weeks!
Frank: I knew that door had a lock on it! And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!
[Mr. Salz & Mrs. Kohan walk to the front door, about to leave]
Mr. Salz: We’re- We’re just gonna let ourselves out. I wouldn’t wanna write a column about this. [closes the door]
Frank: I'm going upstairs. To a bathroom that has a lock on it, and no one can tell me that it doesn't. [walks away]
Susan: [to her sons] I have to go talk to your father. [sighs] I will deal with you boys, later. [walks off]
Greg: Rodrick, I really didn't tell her! I mean maybe, sort of, but I made a deal with her and we had a really good time and...
Rodrick: You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend. [walks upstairs]
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[Greg opens his Xbox 360 game system to put a video game in, and finds a huge chocolate chip cookie stuffed in the disc tray]
Greg: WHAT?!!
Rowley: Hey! A cookie.
Greg: Manny, what have you done?
Manny: I'm onwy thwee.
Susan: [walks in] What's going on? What'd you do to him?
Greg: Nothing, he ruined my video game.
Susan: [gasps] He didn't anything on purpose, did you honey?
Manny: No, I didn't.
Susan: No, he didn't. He's only three.
Manny: I'm onwy thwee.
[Manny pokes his tongue out at Greg as Susan takes him away]
Greg: WHAT?!!
Rowley: Hey! A cookie.
Greg: Manny, what have you done?
Manny: I'm onwy thwee.
Susan: [walks in] What's going on? What'd you do to him?
Greg: Nothing, he ruined my video game.
Susan: [gasps] He didn't anything on purpose, did you honey?
Manny: No, I didn't.
Susan: No, he didn't. He's only three.
Manny: I'm onwy thwee.
[Manny pokes his tongue out at Greg as Susan takes him away]
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[Last lines]
All: [singing] Exploded Diper! All over the place! Exploded Diper!
Greg: Okay, there! It's uploaded.
All: [singing] In your face! Exploded Diper!
Rowley: Holy cow!
Greg: This is huge! We're an internet sensation!
Rodrick: [furiously, off-screen] GREG, YOU ARE SO DEAD!!
All: [singing] Exploded Diper! All over the place! Exploded Diper!
Greg: Okay, there! It's uploaded.
All: [singing] In your face! Exploded Diper!
Rowley: Holy cow!
Greg: This is huge! We're an internet sensation!
Rodrick: [furiously, off-screen] GREG, YOU ARE SO DEAD!!
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[Plainview Talent Show, The Heffleys walk in; Scotty Douglas, Rowley's assistant, runs through the hall to the bathroom]
Rowley: [chases after Scotty] Scotty! Come on! [Scotty locks himself into the bathroom] Scotty, come on! You don't wanna let the magic fans down, do you?
Scotty: [from inside] Go away!
Susan: Rowley, what's wrong?
Rowley: My assistant, Scotty, got stage fright. Now he doesn't want to do the show.
Susan: Maybe Greg would help out. He can be your assistant. What? No way.
Susan: What? Rowley is your best friend. This is important to him. You need to do this.
Rowley: It's okay, Mrs. Heffley. Greg is just afraid that Holly Hills will think less of him.
Greg: [defensive] Rowley. [turns to Susan] Mom, can we talk in private?
Susan: Sure.
Rowley: [desperate] Scotty, please.
Rowley: [chases after Scotty] Scotty! Come on! [Scotty locks himself into the bathroom] Scotty, come on! You don't wanna let the magic fans down, do you?
Scotty: [from inside] Go away!
Susan: Rowley, what's wrong?
Rowley: My assistant, Scotty, got stage fright. Now he doesn't want to do the show.
Susan: Maybe Greg would help out. He can be your assistant. What? No way.
Susan: What? Rowley is your best friend. This is important to him. You need to do this.
Rowley: It's okay, Mrs. Heffley. Greg is just afraid that Holly Hills will think less of him.
Greg: [defensive] Rowley. [turns to Susan] Mom, can we talk in private?
Susan: Sure.
Rowley: [desperate] Scotty, please.
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[Rodrick pulls up in front of Greg and Rowley in his van]
Rodrick: Get in.
Greg: Why? What are you doing here?
Rodrick: Mom said she'd pay "Mom Bucks" if I drove you home from school. [he and his friend laugh and high-five]
Greg: We'd rather walk.
Rodrick: Get in. Now! [gets out and opens the back door for Greg and Rowley. Greg immediately notices that the back seats are gone]
Greg: What happened to the seats?
Rodrick:: Oh, I needed the room for my new equipment.
[Greg and Rowley hop into the van]
Greg: How'd you have the money for that?
Rodrick: Oh, you know..."Mom Bucks". [shuts the door]
Greg: There's no way. You only earned like... five.
[As Greg and Rowley sit down on the floor, Rodrick starts the van and floors it]
Greg and Rowley: [screaming] WHHHHHOOOOOOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!!!!!!!
Rodrick: Get in.
Greg: Why? What are you doing here?
Rodrick: Mom said she'd pay "Mom Bucks" if I drove you home from school. [he and his friend laugh and high-five]
Greg: We'd rather walk.
Rodrick: Get in. Now! [gets out and opens the back door for Greg and Rowley. Greg immediately notices that the back seats are gone]
Greg: What happened to the seats?
Rodrick:: Oh, I needed the room for my new equipment.
[Greg and Rowley hop into the van]
Greg: How'd you have the money for that?
Rodrick: Oh, you know..."Mom Bucks". [shuts the door]
Greg: There's no way. You only earned like... five.
[As Greg and Rowley sit down on the floor, Rodrick starts the van and floors it]
Greg and Rowley: [screaming] WHHHHHOOOOOOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!!!!!!!
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[The Heffley family in their cartoon drawings pull up in their car in the Rocket Rollers Roller Rink's parking lot]
Greg: [steps out, looks up at the sign] Seventh grader. Sounds a lot better than sixth grader.
Rodrick: [steps out of the car and closes the door; sighs] This is a "Greg thing." I don't see why I had to come.
Susan: Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the Heffley family.
Frank: Yeah. That and we already paid for your ticket.
Greg: [steps out, looks up at the sign] Seventh grader. Sounds a lot better than sixth grader.
Rodrick: [steps out of the car and closes the door; sighs] This is a "Greg thing." I don't see why I had to come.
Susan: Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the Heffley family.
Frank: Yeah. That and we already paid for your ticket.
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[The Leisure Village Retirement Community, Frank pulls up in front of the entrance, leaving Greg and Rodrick there, where their grandfather comes to see them, mostly Greg]
Greg: [narrating] Things have never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my Grandpa's boring retirement community. Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an all-time low. So, he's made it his mission to ruin my life. [walks with Rodrick and their grandfather towards his retirement hotel room, Rodrick kicks him from behind him, still sore about his punishment, angrily turns to Rodrick] Quit it!
Rodrick: [annoyed] Why don't you tell Mom? You're good at that.
Greg: [narrating] Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.
Rodrick: I should be rehearsing right now.
Greg: Please, Grandpa. Please, can we watch a real TV show now?
Grandpa: TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life.
Greg: [narrating] Things have never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my Grandpa's boring retirement community. Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an all-time low. So, he's made it his mission to ruin my life. [walks with Rodrick and their grandfather towards his retirement hotel room, Rodrick kicks him from behind him, still sore about his punishment, angrily turns to Rodrick] Quit it!
Rodrick: [annoyed] Why don't you tell Mom? You're good at that.
Greg: [narrating] Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.
Rodrick: I should be rehearsing right now.
Greg: Please, Grandpa. Please, can we watch a real TV show now?
Grandpa: TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life.