Dracula: Dead and Loving It quotes

View Quote Dr. Seward: Would an enema help?

View Quote Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?

View Quote Nurse: [Upon seeing the unconscious medical students on the floor] Well done, doctor! Ten out of ten!

View Quote '[Jonathan is drenched in blood, while Van Helsing is spotless]
Dr. Van Helsing: I have been to many, many stakings. You have to know where to stand.

View Quote Dr. Seward: Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing: And gynecology.
Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.

View Quote Dr. Seward: Give him an enema.
[Attendant looks taken aback.]
Attendant: An enema, sir?.
Dr. Seward: Yes, it'll give him a feeling of accomplishment.

View Quote Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare.
Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women, heaving and grinding. How to describe it? [pause] Have you ever been to Paris?

View Quote Jonathan Harker: [Entering Lucy's crypt and seeing her body] Oh, God... she's dead now.
Van Helsing: No, she's not!
Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu!
Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?

View Quote Jonathan Harker: [having just been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing: Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and tear off her ears.
Jonathan Harker: ...Give me the stake. No. No, I can't... you do it.
Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life.
Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
Van Helsing: Close enough!
[Jonathan is about to stake Lucy's heart]
Van Helsing: One, two—WAIT! [Van Helsing slinks back behind a pillar] NOW!
[Jonathan drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... I can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
[Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough. Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!

View Quote Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?
Dracula: I never drink... wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

View Quote Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.
Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.
Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.
Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.
...
Jonathan Harker: Please, Lucy! I'm British!
[Lucy opens her cleavage a little]
Lucy Westenra: So are these.

View Quote Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.
Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?

View Quote [Count Dracula meets up with Van Helsing]
Dracula: Van Helsing... a name that is famous even in Translyvania.
Van Helsing: Dracula... are you by any chance descended from Vlad TepeÅŸ, the first Dracula?
Dr. Seward: TepeÅŸ?
Van Helsing: Yes, it means "the Impaler". He used to inflict horrendous tortures on the peasants; he gouged out their eyes, cut off their heads and stuck their bodies on iron spikes.
Dracula: They had it coming!

View Quote [Dracula exits the house, carrying a body]
Dracula: You will be my bride for eternity... we will share the passions of immortal love.
Essie: [Lifts head] I can't wait!
Dracula: Not you!!
[Dracula walks back into the house and dumps Essie on the floor. A few minutes later he comes out carrying Mina]
Dracula: [hurriedly] You-will-be-my-bride-for-eternity, we-will-share-the-passions-of-immortal-love.

View Quote [Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]
Dracula: You will tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
[The valet nods her head, opens the curtain to Seward's chambers, and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
Valet: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir?
Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir? [normally] What is the matter with you, why did you not tell him?
Valet: About what?
Dracula: About the message!
Valet: For whom?
Dracula: Never mind! I will tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
Valet: No tip?
Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!