Duck Soup quotes

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: I thought you left.
Chicolini (impersonating Firefly): Oh no. I don't leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes.
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Trentino: Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Firefly: That's even a greater pleasure. Now, how about lending this country 20 million dollars, you old skinflint.
Trentino: 20 million dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
Firefly: Well, in the meantime, could you let me have 12 dollars until payday?
Trentino: 12 dollars?
Firefly: Don't be scared. You'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for 90 days. If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.
Trentino: Your Excellency? Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
Firefly: I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. It must be something I ate.
Trentino: Look here Sir, are you trying to...?
Firefly: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency. We've been expecting you. As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the wishes of every man, woman, and child of Freedonia.
Firefly: Never mind that stuff. (pulls a deck of cards from his pocket) Take a card.
Mrs. Teasdale: Card? What will I do with the card?
Firefly: You can keep it. I've got fifty-one left. Now what were you saying?
Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
Mrs. Teasdale: I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Mrs. Teasdale: The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you will follow in the footsteps of my husband.
Firefly: (to audience) How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (to Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly: Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. Teasdale: He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you! (jumps into her arms)
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency!
Firefly: You're not so bad yourself.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.
Firefly: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Trentino: I'm sorry we lost our tempers. I'm willing to forget if you are.
Firefly: Forget? You ask me to forget? A Firefly never forgets. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again. Nothing doing. I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company.
Mrs. Teasdale: Please wait.
Firefly: Let go of me, you bully!
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh!
Trentino: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Firefly: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

View Quote Prosecutor: Chicolini, isn't it true you sold Freedonia's secret war code and plans?
Chicolin: Sure, I sold a code and two pairs o' plans. Hahaha! 'At's-a some joke, eh boss?
Firefly: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.
Chicolini: I tell you what I'll do. I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

View Quote Prosecutor: Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.
Chicolini: I object.
Prosecutor: You object. On what grounds?
Chicolini: I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly: Objection sustained.
Prosecutor: Your Excellency? You sustained the objection?
Firefly: Sure. I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

View Quote Trentino: Do you mean Worm?
Firefly: No, that wasn't it.
Trentino: I know, Swine!
Firefly: ...No, it was a seven letter word.
Trentino: Oh yes, Upstart?
Firefly: That's it! Upstart.
[Firefly slaps Trentino across the face with his gloves.]
Trentino: This means WAR!
Firefly: Go, and never darken my towels again!

View Quote Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?
Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.
Trentino: Oh really?
Chicolini: Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
Trentino: Oh! Now, Chicolini, I want a full detailed report of your investigation.
Chicolini: All right, I tell you. Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us. He no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, and we fool him. We no show up. Thursday was a double-header. Nobody show up. Friday it rained all day. There was no ball game, so we stayed home and we listened to it on-a the radio.
Trentino: Then you didn't shadow Firefly?
Chicolini: Oh, sure we shadow Firefly. We shadow him all day.
Trentino: But what day was that?
Chicolini: Shaderday. Hahaha! That's-a some joke, eh, Boss?

View Quote Trentino: I've given up the idea of a revolution. I have a better plan...I can gain control of Freedonia much easier by marrying Mrs. Teasdale.
Vera: Ha, ha, ha. Maybe that's not going to be so easy...From what I hear, you see, Mrs. Teasdale is rather sweet on this Rufus T. Firefly.
Trentino: Oh, well that's where you come in. I'm going to place him in your hands. And I don't have to tell you what to do or how to...

View Quote Trentino: There's a machine-gun nest near hill twenty-eight. I want it cleaned out.
Chicolini: All right. I'll tell the janitor.

View Quote Trentino: You Swine!...You Worm!...You Upstart!
[Firefly slaps him with his glove]
Trentino: Mrs. Teasdale. I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence may plunge our countries into war.
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, this is terrible!
Trentino: I've said enough. I'm a man of few words.
Firefly: I'm a man of one word: Scram!

View Quote [On the phone] Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!

View Quote [to Chicolini] I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.

View Quote Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.