Duck Soup quotes

View Quote Chicolini (to the lemonade vendor): Mister you no understand. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy, he work-a for me. I want him to find out-a something, but he no find out what I wanna find out. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out if he no find out what I gotta find out?

View Quote Mrs. Teasdale: The government has been mismanaged. I will lend the money, but only on condition that His Excellency withdraw and place the government in new hands.

View Quote Chicolini: I wouldn't go out-a there even if I was-a in one o' those big things-a go up and down!
Firefly: Tanks?
Chicolini: You're welcome.

View Quote Firefly: And now members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Minister: I wish to discuss the tariff.
Firefly: Sit down. That's new business. No old business? Very well. Then, we'll take up new business.
Minister: Now about that tariff.
Firefly: Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.

View Quote Firefly: Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chicolini: I've done it already.
Firefly: You've done what?
Chicolini: I've changed to the other side.
Firefly: So, you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini: Well, the food is better over here.

View Quote Firefly: Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.
Chicolini: Eleven.
Firefly: Right.
Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What is it has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in the circus?
Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.
Chicolini: Irr-elephant? Hey, that's the answer! There's a whole lotta irr-elephants in the circus.
Minister/Judge: That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
Chicolini: Thats-a fine. I'll take some.
Minister/Judge: You'll take what?
Chicolini: Eliminate. A nice, cool glass o' lemonade.

View Quote Firefly: I can't give you wealth, but, uh, we can have a little family of our own.
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh Rufus!
Firefly: All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency. I really don't know what to say.
Firefly: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. [To Trentino] Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Trentino: What?!
Firefly: I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

View Quote Firefly: Now listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia and it never rains but it pours? [He chuckles, thinking he has baffled Chicolini]
Chicolini: That's-a good one. I give you three guesses.
Firefly: Now, let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male or female?
Chicolini: No, I don't think so.
Firefly: Is he dead?
Chicolini: Who?
Firefly: I don't know. I give up.
Chicolini: I give up too. Now, I ask you another one. What is it got big black-a moustache, smokes a big black cigar, and is a big pain in the neck?
Firefly: Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the -
Chicolini: Uh -
Firefly: Does he wear glasses?
Chicolini: Ats-a right. You guess it quick.
Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you.
Chicolini: What job?
Firefly: Secretary of War.
Chicolini: All right, I take it.
Firefly: Sold!

View Quote Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?
Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army.
Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

View Quote Firefly: Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
Bob Roland: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Firefly: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda in a half a glass of water.

View Quote Firefly: Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
Mrs. Teasdale: A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea that you...
Firefly: I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.

View Quote Firefly: Take a letter.
Bob Roland: Who to?
Firefly: To my dentist.
Firefly: Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.
Bob Roland: I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.
Firefly: You do and I'll fire you.

View Quote Firefly: Where's my Stradivarius?
Officer: Here, sir.
Firefly: I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with old Firefly!
[he pulls a tommygun out of his violin case and opens fire]
Firefly: Look at them run. Now they know they've been in a war.
Bob Roland: Your Excellency!
Firefly: [making the sound of rat-a-tat-tat] They're fleeing like rats.
Bob Roland: But sir, I've got to tell you.
Firefly: Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this.
Bob Roland: Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men!
Firefly: What?
Bob Roland: You're shooting your own men!
Firefly: Here's $5, keep it under your hat.
[holds out his hat to take the $5 back]
Firefly: Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat.

View Quote Minister of Finance: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.
Minister of Finance: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars.
Chicolini: "Dollahs!" There's-a where my uncle lives! "Dollahs", Taxes!
Minister of Finance: Aww!

View Quote Minister of Labor: The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
Firefly: Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to twenty minutes. And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.
Minister of Labor: But you appointed one last week!
Firefly: That's the one I'm looking for.
Secretary of War: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?
Firefly: How about taking up the carpet?
Secretary of War: I still insist we must take up the tax.
Firefly: He's right. You've got to take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.
Secretary of War: I give all my time and energy to my duties and what do I get?
Firefly: You get awfully tiresome after a while.
Secretary of War: Sir, you try my patience!
Firefly: I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine sometime.
Secretary of War: That's the last straw. I resign! I wash my hands of the whole business.
Firefly: That's a good idea. You can wash your neck, too.