Fletch quotes
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I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
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Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
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[to a Doberman Pinscher] Look, defenseless babies!
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It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine.
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If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an affable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.
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You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
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...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack [mimes door hitting him in the face] blood...
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For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
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[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
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I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Gawdawful mess. You should see my shoes.
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[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door] Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
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Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet.
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Tierra Del Fuego.
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In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one. To me.
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[singing] Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...
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Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.
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Hey! I think all of our problems may have just been solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeahhahhah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Again. Sorry.
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[Corrupt Police Chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint - said in the dryest manner possible] Thank God. The police.
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Hey that's you and Tommy Lasorda... [smashes picture] I hate Tommy Lasorda.
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Can I call my mother? Tell her how much I love her?
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Love your body, Larry.
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[narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance.
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Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk: Alan Stanwyk.
Fletch: Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk: Alan Stanwyk.
Fletch: Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...
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Fletch: You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.
Alan Stanwyk: Who?
Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.
Alan Stanwyk: What, are you doped up now?
Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.
Alan Stanwyk: Who?
Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.
Alan Stanwyk: What, are you doped up now?
Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.
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Alan Stanwyk: Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.
Fletch: I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.
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Waiter: Excuse me sir, you are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills.
Waiter: The Underhills? They are left, Señor.
Fletch: Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like to order something, sir? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.
Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills.
Waiter: The Underhills? They are left, Señor.
Fletch: Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like to order something, sir? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.
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Fletch: I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who?
Fletch: John ****... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: It's Scotch-Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: So were my parents.
...
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah
Fletch: I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
...
Gail Stanwyck: You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You ARE a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyck: See what I mean?
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who?
Fletch: John ****... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: It's Scotch-Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: So were my parents.
...
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah
Fletch: I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
...
Gail Stanwyck: You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You ARE a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyck: See what I mean?
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Fletch: Do you have caviar?
Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch: Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.
Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch: Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.
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Gail Stanwyk: You ordered lunch to my room.
Fletch: Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.
Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?
Fletch: Only with wet, married women.
Fletch: Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.
Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?
Fletch: Only with wet, married women.
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Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.
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Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? The California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two bs?
Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register.
Fletch: Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Your Aunt?
Fletch: Yes. Mrs. Smith.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: June or Margaret?
Fletch: Uh-huh, right.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Ahh, he was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was really... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks!
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Drop your shorts and bend over.
Fletch: No...we don't have to, I mean, maybe I just haven't been doing enough calisthenics...you know, my kidneys feel a lot better now, maybe if I just bent over like this every morning......
[Dolan inserts his finger into Fletch's anus with an audible "pop" sound]
Fletch: [singing] Moon River......[talking] Whew...ever serve time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Breathe easy.
Fletch: Yeah...breathe easy... Ahh!! Using the whole fist, Doc?!
...
[After the proctological exam]
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.
Fletch: We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? The California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two bs?
Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register.
Fletch: Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Your Aunt?
Fletch: Yes. Mrs. Smith.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: June or Margaret?
Fletch: Uh-huh, right.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Ahh, he was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was really... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks!
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Drop your shorts and bend over.
Fletch: No...we don't have to, I mean, maybe I just haven't been doing enough calisthenics...you know, my kidneys feel a lot better now, maybe if I just bent over like this every morning......
[Dolan inserts his finger into Fletch's anus with an audible "pop" sound]
Fletch: [singing] Moon River......[talking] Whew...ever serve time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Breathe easy.
Fletch: Yeah...breathe easy... Ahh!! Using the whole fist, Doc?!
...
[After the proctological exam]
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.
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Receptionist: Can I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I just need to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?
Fletch: Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I just need to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?
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Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.
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Kid: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Kid: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Kid: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
...
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Kid: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.
Fletch: As far as you know.
Kid: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Kid: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
...
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Kid: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.
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[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Fletch: Aren't you gonna read me my rights?
Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
Fletch: I think I'll waive my rights.
...
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Why don't you two leave us alone?
Fletch: Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.
...
Chief Karlin: What's your name?
Fletch: Fletch.
Chief Karlin: What's your full name?
Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
Fletch: Aren't you gonna read me my rights?
Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
Fletch: I think I'll waive my rights.
...
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Why don't you two leave us alone?
Fletch: Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.
...
Chief Karlin: What's your name?
Fletch: Fletch.
Chief Karlin: What's your full name?
Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
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Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but... I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but... I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
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Gail Stanwyk: [Looking at photos of her husband and another woman] Look at her! Would you look at her?! She looks like a hooker! Could you love someone who looked like that!?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! ...five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! ...five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
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Gummy: [after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch] Fletch! Are you all right?
Fletch: Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.
Fletch: Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.
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Frank Walker: What about this guy, 'Fat Sam'? You said you had pictures of him.
Fletch: I do have pictures of him. Dealing.
Frank Walker: Well let's go! We'll run the pictures!
Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who's the source?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal?
Fletch: I do have pictures of him. Dealing.
Frank Walker: Well let's go! We'll run the pictures!
Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who's the source?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal?
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Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. [leans arm on hot engine part, then jumps away] Heyya! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. [leans arm on hot engine part, then jumps away] Heyya! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
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Fletch: [Talking to the PanAm Reservations Agent at LAX] I hope there's no-one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class and I take up both seats. I'm in bridge construction and these fold outs take up a tremendous amount of space!
Reservation Agent: I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you...
Fletch: Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?!
Reservation Agent: No, the name is Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre?
Reservation Agent: It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo.
Fletch: Ah...Provo, Spain?
Reservation Agent: Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?
Reservation Agent: I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you...
Fletch: Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?!
Reservation Agent: No, the name is Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre?
Reservation Agent: It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo.
Fletch: Ah...Provo, Spain?
Reservation Agent: Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?