Fletch quotes

View Quote ...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack [mimes door hitting him in the face] blood...

View Quote Alan Stanwyk: Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.

View Quote Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk: Alan Stanwyk.
Fletch: Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...

View Quote Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? The California Racquet Club?
Fletch: Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two bs?
Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register.
Fletch: Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Your Aunt?
Fletch: Yes. Mrs. Smith.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: June or Margaret?
Fletch: Uh-huh, right.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Ahh, he was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was really... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks!
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Drop your shorts and bend over.
Fletch: No...we don't have to, I mean, maybe I just haven't been doing enough calisthenics...you know, my kidneys feel a lot better now, maybe if I just bent over like this every morning......
[Dolan inserts his finger into Fletch's anus with an audible "pop" sound]
Fletch: [singing] Moon River......[talking] Whew...ever serve time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Breathe easy.
Fletch: Yeah...breathe easy... Ahh!! Using the whole fist, Doc?!
...
[After the proctological exam]
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.
Fletch: Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.

View Quote Fat Sam: I've got some reds.
Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you Sammy?

View Quote Fletch: [Talking to the PanAm Reservations Agent at LAX] I hope there's no-one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class and I take up both seats. I'm in bridge construction and these fold outs take up a tremendous amount of space!
Reservation Agent: I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you...
Fletch: Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?!
Reservation Agent: No, the name is Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre?
Reservation Agent: It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo.
Fletch: Ah...Provo, Spain?
Reservation Agent: Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.
Fletch: Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?

View Quote Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but... I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

View Quote Fletch: Do you have caviar?
Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch: Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.

View Quote Fletch: I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who?
Fletch: John ****... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: It's Scotch-Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: So were my parents.
...
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah
Fletch: I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
...
Gail Stanwyck: You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You ARE a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyck: See what I mean?

View Quote Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.

View Quote Fletch: You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.
Alan Stanwyk: Who?
Fletch: Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.
Alan Stanwyk: What, are you doped up now?
Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.

View Quote Frank Walker: What about this guy, 'Fat Sam'? You said you had pictures of him.
Fletch: I do have pictures of him. Dealing.
Frank Walker: Well let's go! We'll run the pictures!
Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who's the source?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Charcoal?

View Quote Gail Stanwyk: [Looking at photos of her husband and another woman] Look at her! Would you look at her?! She looks like a hooker! Could you love someone who looked like that!?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! ...five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

View Quote Gail Stanwyk: You ordered lunch to my room.
Fletch: Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.
Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?
Fletch: Only with wet, married women.

View Quote Gummy: [after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch] Fletch! Are you all right?
Fletch: Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.