Fletch quotes

View Quote Hispanic Housekeeper: Buenos días.
Fletch: Pop 'n' Taco.

View Quote Kid: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Kid: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Kid: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
...
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Kid: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

View Quote Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.

View Quote Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

View Quote Receptionist: Can I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I just need to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?

View Quote Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch: Comanche Indian.

View Quote Waiter: Excuse me sir, you are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm here with the Underhills.
Waiter: The Underhills? They are left, Señor.
Fletch: Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like to order something, sir? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.

View Quote Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. [leans arm on hot engine part, then jumps away] Heyya! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

View Quote [Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Fletch: Aren't you gonna read me my rights?
Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
Fletch: I think I'll waive my rights.
...
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Why don't you two leave us alone?
Fletch: Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.
...
Chief Karlin: What's your name?
Fletch: Fletch.
Chief Karlin: What's your full name?
Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

View Quote [after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door] Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.

View Quote [Corrupt Police Chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint - said in the dryest manner possible] Thank God. The police.

View Quote [narrating] As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance.

View Quote [singing] Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...

View Quote [to a Doberman Pinscher] Look, defenseless babies!

View Quote [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel] Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.